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Saturday, October 23, 2010

Just Read My Recent Blogs

...and now I have no idea what to write about!  Freelance Whales is my soundtrack tonight, I'm on my second beer and I've already aired my apartment out from the smell of pot, but I now I'm stuck!  I was of course going to write some self-realization piece but then I came across my old blogs and now I'm not sure if I'm feeling quizzical or just plain silly.  I cannot seem to write a blog to save my life.  In some way I always seem to sound so...constipated!  (LOL that's probably proof right there.)

Anyway, I keep remembering and forgetting my point.  I feel less tense.  Not just today but the past week now.  I think Pastor Scott's...oh wait that was Chris leading that service.  Nice one Chris!  He has gotten so much better in the past couple of years.   :D
So yeah he preached about remembering to have a soft heart -- like a child's -- in order to keep a healthy mind. Kids are new to this world, so they have a lot of patience and humility (well, they should at least).  So perhaps if we, as adults, can keep that fresh mindset, we'll have an easier time with the ups and downs in life.  Lately I've been forgetting to think about the week's sermon, so I made sure to think about this one as often as I could.  And I have!...mostly.  I've been calming my anger and my attitude this week and although it is a lot of work, I do feel...softer.

:)  Hm good.

I still think about work every night and every weekend...on a semi-hourly basis.  Maybe I need to work longer/later?  Ugh oh well, don't want to think about it right now.

So what else to write about?  It'd be a good night for the bridge tonight, but I'm too tired/lazy.

Oh dude I finally talked to Yanel.  Not sure if I've been writing about that, but yeah the fact that Nathan and I messed around really bothered Yanel.  She of course handled that situation with poise and heart, but not before giving it a good week or two to mull it over.  I'm so very blessed to have such a conscientious friend.  I just sent her a funny text right now.  I love her.  But yeah that was not a fun conversation at all.  I can honestly say I am just sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiightly slightly surprised that she took it that hard.  As for everything else, she should've said exactly what she said.  I'm glad she was honest with me and I'm glad I have so much to learn from all that.  Definitely a good lesson there.

Ho hum.  What next?  Deanna should be here soon.  And with cigarettes.  Bad girl.  I'm smoking with her.  BAD BOY!  But yeah.  I want a cigarette and chocolate.  So healthy.

Alright bye lovely!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Good Job

Hey nice one, Vegas! I enjoyed my time with my family and my precious little niece on her 1st birthday this weekend, but I really didn't think I'd be leaving with this sense of awareness. Danny and I had just a perfect evening on his patio last night under the Nevada stars. We talked about a lot of course, but I am just awe-struck at Danny's ability to peg people. I mean what he said about me last night couldn't have been any closer to the truth. He could tell that I was someone who knew I was meant for more, that I was someone who always felt the need to help, and who was capable of really getting the most out of what secrets this life had to offer. I think what really gets me, though, is that he can read me that well from states away and from infrequent contact with me. Bravo, bro.

Anyway, I am a better person now because of him. He helped me really realize that I'm so much more than what I'm allowing myself to be right now. I need to be out there, taking in all that inspires and intrigues me. I have the determination but I seem to be waiting for some imaginary bus to come pick me up and start the ride. But it's not a ride, it's a journey, and I'm the driver. No one else is my passenger, but I will surely come across the obligatory kindred vagabond along the way. As for now though, I'm trapping myself, making up excuses as to why I can't break through. I have a mind to think that my fear of failure may be the main inhibitor there...

But yes, let's effin' get out there, Jes. Make a game plan, say your I love you's and set out on a path that loved ones will simultaneously envy and enjoy, and other young hearts will try to duplicate.

Let's start:
1. Learn guitar.
2. Learn another language.
Learn to code/develop.
3. Pack up and move (outside of San Antonio!)...

Saturday, October 9, 2010

:|

I've been such a jerk lately. I've always had it in me but I for the last few weeks I've been just plain crabby lately. I'm pretty sure it stems from work but I can't seem to let it go once I leave the office. Even right now I can't enjoy a Friday night without thinking about the job. Weeks have become just one long day and all I can think about when I am at work is what I am failing at and how much the guys dislike me. My boss is cool though. I like him, he seems to know how to laugh, which is very important in life.

I wonder if I can learn to have patience and still teach at the same time? I mean I even hear Brett get fed up with them sometimes, which makes me feel less like I'm being just a crabby patty. But how will they ever learn if I don't force them? I'm sure they just completely lack any motivation to learn, but will they ever feel motivated? That's not fair to say, though, since sometimes I do see a ray of hope in their eyes, even if briefly.

Dude do I really need to think about work this hard? Should it stress me out as much as it does? I simply do not know the point where too much is just too much. I try to justify it by telling myself that the pay is great (which it is), but I'm really just not happy most of the time. Professionally, this is neither where I saw myself a decade ago or nor where I want to be headed. But so many factors stop me from reaching for my dreams. I'd rather not list them out now...because I'm a little scared of what might be true and what mighf be a valid excuse, but an excuse nonetheless...

Argh this is so frustrating! I was supposed to be motivated and pull out all the stops after Robby died but now I seem to have just fallen right back into the same lame groove I was in before.

Dang it, dang it, dang it man. I guess this isn't one of those feel-good, happy ending blogs I'm so used to writing. Maybe it's just a bitch fest? I don't feel better, but perhaps that's what this weekend will provide for me?

Oh Vegas, you better do your best. Happy 1st birthday to my horribly adorable niece. Love you all. <3