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Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Ferrrussterrrratingggg!

AAAHHHHHH this job has, by far, stressed me out more than any other job in my life!!  I have, on three separate occasions, literally hid under my desk and coaxed myself into calming down before facing everyone again.  And I may or may not have cried.   :|

I don't like how my manager makes me feel stupid sometimes.  Like just now I spent a great amount of detail troubleshooting an issue and I get a call from my manager asking me if I'd done other troubleshooting steps.

Why did my manager have to call me about it?
Why did he have to so carelessly tell me that one of my troubleshooting steps hadn't been used in years?
Why did Dave Yao have to go to my manager about this?  Dave's cool.  And I'm approachable.  So what the heck??

I just feel so small right now.  It's like literally every time I feel like I've got a grasp on this job, something is done or said to kick me down into a stupefying position again.  And no I'm not being dramatic, that is really how it's been since I started this gig.

I think I felt this same way at the Service Desk as well.  The situation is different but I still feel inadequate and immature at times.

Ugh I'm so effing mad right now.  I'm going to go use this energy up at the gym right now.  And I'm going to take more than my regular hour, just 'cause I friggin' want to.

Freakin' Dave.  Why did you not just come to me?  And Greg.  Now I wish I wasn't so light on your 360 Feedback.  I wanted to put more honest, negative points in my feedback to you but I wasn't sure if they would be based on personal feelings, rather than professional opinion.

Hm, "professional opinion".  I didn't think about that term when I wrote my feedback on him.  Now I'm even more irked.

Oh well.  This utterly stressful job, time-consuming school work, annoyingly present roommate, lack of personal release and weekly addition of weight has worn on me so much.  Please God, I know I haven't been going to church in so long, but please just reach into my heart and hold me.  I give it all to You.