Happy To Be Wrong

I wrote that last post drunkenly as I was very much annoyed with Manny.  At the time, I meant it.  But after we had our few days at the hotel room together the next week, everything changed.  I don't know what, but it did.  I am happy now and I don't feel like I am settling and forgetting myself by ending up with Manny.  On the contrary -- I feel like losing Manny would be like losing a part of myself, a part of my life.

Ignore my previous post.  I am happy to be wrong about that, even if I felt right about it at the time.

Thanks for bein' patient.

Been A While BARF

I'm not even the person I was three years ago.  Hell, I didn't even know I posted when I was with Adam.  I reread it just now and... Ew.  Lol.

I was just about to post, “I'm done with relationships!”  As if to sound like I was flustered.  But I'm not.  I'm just... Ready.

Ready to be on my own again, man.

I've been with Manny for two weeks shy of two years now.  Longest I've ever been in a relationship.  And I've already planned our anniversary dinner and gifts.  But the problems are less his shortcomings and more that...I just want to be in my own, alone space again.  Literally and figuratively.

Manny is a wonderful, beautiful, sexy, aware person.  But he can also be a shrewd, selfish brat when he is drunk.  And as much as that is the exception to the rule...

I DON'T CARE!  I WANNA BE ALONE AGAIN!

I don't want to care about having to deal with my boyfriend's problems again, no matter how innocuous or serious they may be.

Jesse, you have a set preference.  And it is obvious now that no human being should be required to try to shoehorn himself into that unattainable crevice. 

So do us all a favor and just... Live that life that you are happiest in.  The one where you make the rules, and that no one gets hurt by them.

I love you, Jesse.  Don't hurt others by appeasing to their temperaments just to make them happy, and to keep the peace.

Bye, man.  I'll talk to you again after you've broken up with Manny (eek -- that is the first step I've taken past just thinking about it), and remembered how happy you are just being happy with yourself.

Reread me and talk to me soon.  Dumbass.

Clicked

So something just clicked in me today.  And it may just be the best thing since starting this relationship with Adam.

But wait -- first things first.  As I was typing my blog post last night, I kept thinking about how selfish I wanted to be and how I just wanted Adam in my bed so I could wrap my arms (that he loves so much) around him and smile contently, even if this is not at all what he wanted for the night.  And as luck would have it, literally seconds after I publish that blog post, Adam sends me a text and asks if I'm still awake.  All schoolgirl giddy-like, I immediately respond, "Yes."

"May I come over"

"Yes."  (Translation: "YESSS!")

"My keys are at your place so i can't sneak in"

At this point I am so fragile and excitable that I start to think that he simply wants to come and grab his keys so that he can go back to his own apartment.  I mean he did tell me himself that he'd be staying at his place for "personal time", even though I asked him if he was coming over (knowing already that he wanted to sleep in his own bed).  So in a sense, I was pulling for him.  I wanted to respect his own time, but I just couldn't bear to sleep alone and not talk about everything that transpired the past 24 hours.

In a risky sentence, I give him what I think he wants, and I offer to bring his keys down to him.

"I want you to buzzz me in"

:: squeal! ::  He wants to come in!  Whether or not it's to yell at me, or grab more of his belongings before leaving, or give me the kisses I'm clamoring for!

"Of course," I tell him.

He then tells me that he's tired, simultaneously signaling to me that:

1. he doesn't want to argue or even talk about last night.
2. he doesn't want to have sex.
3. he wants to sleep in my bed.

Huzzah!  As long as 3 pans out, I'm all for it!

He lets me know that he's in a cab on the way to my apartment.  I fix him a glass of water and then fumble over what music I should play, if any.  I decide to settle on no music at all.  He calls me from the gate dialer downstairs and without even asking who it is, I buzz him in.  Minutes later he finally comes through my door but I keep myself from immediately swiveling around in my computer chair, giving away my obvious desperation.

And then hear an excitable, "Baby!"

And it's him, looking sexy as he always does in his black H&M jacket, removing his headphones and shoes before he passes through the entrance way.

I finally turn in my chair but keep myself from getting up to hug him.  So far he has the upper ground and I don't want to do anything to encroach upon his "personal space" any further.  Grinning, he tells me, "You can't touch me until you put on 'Latch'."  Apparently he was listening to a mix in the cab over to my place and 'Latch' put him in an immediate club mood.

I happily oblige and have the song (and as many different mixes of it as I could find) queued and playing in seconds.  He barks at me to turn it up and I play it as loud I think he needs it.  He starts dancing his usual dance moves (sexy, but limited) and tells me I still can't touch him.  This is the part where I make a lame joke about him being MC Hammer.  Finally, as the chorus busts through the speakers, Adam wheels my chair closer to him and he starts dancing more.

Immediate boner.

And then finally the kiss!  Ah, serenity.  But apparently I still can't touch him.

As the song continues he eventually settles down and tells me that "this song reminds me of us, baby!"

Oh man, I am so happy right now.  Not only is he actually in front me, but he's smiling, he's dancing in front of me, he's kissing me, and he's telling me how a song about latching onto someone reminds him of us.

Why doesn't he ever say these things to me beforehand?!  But no matter, it is still a delightful surprise to hear him exclaim.  And as the song dies down, I stand up, hovering over him, and kiss him several times.  Apparently, he can't get enough of this and keeps asking me for more.  And the kisses get more and more passionate.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God.  This is all I wanted.   :)

As the night progresses, different variations of 'Latch' play and we caress each other, have a few sips of beer, share a cigarette, and then finally settle down into bed.  I thought he was going to sleep in his clothes (ugh -- a sure sign of inebriation), but he quickly removes all lower clothing.  I am so happy that I get to sleep almost entirely naked next to my baby tonight.   :D

We cuddle each other.  A lot.  We watch a bit of Netflix, and then he falls asleep.  It is about three hours now until I have to be awake for work, but I cannot for the life of me fall asleep.  I'm still not sure what kept me up -- Adam's snoring, the fact that I napped earlier, or the completely possible notion that I tend to have wars in my head that keep me wide awake when Adam and I are at odds.  It is most likely the latter since even though I am cuddling the man that I love, and I'm grinning uncontrollably over this sleeping man, I still know that I am a person of resolution and we would eventually have to talk about everything that transpired the night before.

Finally, about an hour before I have to be up, I succumb to sleep.  I groggily snooze my alarm much later than I wanted (guess I'm skipping the shave today) and get ready for work.  Knowing that Adam does not like the constant rude awakening of both my alarm and then my subsequent good morning/goodbye kisses, I lightly press my lips against his temple and make my way out the door.  On the walk to work, in my headphones I start to play my melancholy "Mellow Mellow" mix, partly because I'm not awake enough to hear anything more upbeat, but also because I knew that the last few hours were only a band-aid over what I considered to be the start of a festering wound.  I needed some comfort music for the time being.

Now, fast forward to work.  I'm immediately swamped with what I left to do from last Friday, and barely awake enough to speak coherently.  Somehow I make it through the morning and even actually find the energy to make it to the gym for my usual lunch time routine.

This was one of the best decisions I've made in recent memory.

After the gym, my energy levels are soaring, but my mind is of course still on Adam.  And us.  And the wonderful and helpful conversation I had with my mom the previous day.  And then my blog post right afterward.

And then it just clicked.

Jesse, why have you spent the last few months depending on one human being to determine your happiness?  When you were single, music made your heart smile, friends made you laugh, video games excited you, and the world was just ripe for the picking.  Why, now, do you halt all of those wonderful muses and hold your breath for someone?  Someone who also enjoys those things, but also knows how to love you separately?

And that was it.  I don't need to rest all of my feelings on Adam.  What a pressure of a thing to do!  No wonder he needs his space!  I can be happy doing all the things I did before, living my life, and then making love to my beautiful man when he is here in front of me!  It sounds so elementary, but sometimes I can ignore the obvious that easily!

So here I am.  I literally cocooned, at work, in a matter of hours, and have come out the victor.  I love Adam.  Like crazy.  But I don't have to sit at home alone, counting the seconds until he arrives, hoping work hasn't been a stress on him and broken his mood, and then feeling gloomy just because he does.

Gosh, what a doofus I've been acting!  But I can't say that it was for no real reason.  I have known that the one time before Adam I actually felt something for someone, I immediately sacrificed everything about myself to make sure they were happy.  That is an admirable trait for a lover to offer, but it clearly is not a healthy one.  Adam now no longer has to shoulder both of our emotions.  If he is out having fun with friends (and let's me know his agenda), I don't have to pause my life and wait for his return.  I have that time to pick up that game I've been neglecting, finish those essays I've needed to write, or actually discover new music again.

Man I love this!  I feel so separate but so together now!  Like we mesh even better!  YAAY!   :D

So yes, this may seem like a silly post and realization, but it's mine and I am lit up about it.  I can't wait to start this new chapter of my life, with Adam and me, rather than with Adamme, a Frankensteined version of what I thought love had to be.

Thanks again Mom and blog!  I love learning through you!

Love,

Jesse

Here Goes

Alright so this may be a mistake, but here goes...

I started this blog some years ago to get my words out, but what I didn't realize was how therapeutic it would be, rather than narcissistic.  Reading over my past blogs over the years has shown that, deep down, I really do trust my own instincts.  I've been completely honest about everything I've written, and because of this, I've helped myself come to terms with ideas that I wasn't previously ready to believe.  I stopped blogging over the past two years because it helped me so much that I didn't feel I needed to do it anymore.

And now enter the relationship.  Since I started this blog, I haven't been in a relationship.  For the past five and a half months now, I have been dating Adam.  As evidenced in my previous post, I fell in love with him.  I fell into a kind of love that I never knew, expected, or even thought I wanted.  Honestly, up until Adam, I was 100% content with dying a single, free man.  I thought I had everything I already needed: a great job, a loving and lovable family, and a close circle of friends that made me happy.  But to be honest, the true reason I didn't want a relationship was because I knew I had deep-seeded demons that I was good at ignoring, and would eventually be forced to face.  Of course since meeting Adam, those demons did eventually surface, and I have down a pretty good job of besting them.  Through Adam, and through my own perseverance, too, he has helped me blast through my walls of uncertainty, of superficiality, and even of envy.  Yes, for whatever reason, I envied my own boyfriend.  I envied how much funnier he was than me, how some people seemed to like him more than me, how undeniably perceptive he is, how unbelievably sexy he looked in my own underwear, and the way he knew how to be himself, even if other people didn't like it.  I've faced those issues -- and more -- because I am a survivor and wouldn't dare let anything defeat me.

But now, other issues have surfaced, and I think that these aren't ones that I can defeat.

Let me clarify -- I think that these issues aren't ones that should be defeated.

Right now, the biggest problem between Adam and me is space.  Quite literally from the day Adam and I met, we were immediately comfortable with each other.  The first night we spent together, we drunkenly listened to music, talked, messed around, and randomly ate some bread.  We've been just that comfortable with each other since then, to the point where Adam pays for an apartment that he spends no more than three nights in per month.  And those nights spent there are usually in between fights.   :(   Right now Adam is sleeping at his own apartment partly because of our fight last night, but also partly because he needs to organize some of his own things.  Obviously an understandable task.  But that second reason is just slightly overshadowed by the fact that he just wants time to himself.  This, I honestly have a problem with.

And already I am starting to feel some sort of resolution out of this.  Thank you, blog.

I am the type of lover who, a lot would say, is the smothering kind.  My thoughts almost never stray from Adam, I devote all of my time to him, and I gladly sacrifice parts of myself and life for him, even if he doesn't want it.  This is both a positive and negative trait, but one more than the other.  It is positive because the recipient of all of this is showered with what a lover should be showered with.  It is, unfortunately, more of a negative trait because it could easily scare off anyone who doesn't perceive love the same way.  Additionally, it's negative because if I don't feel I have received the same kind of devotion, I internalize it and eventually use it as ammunition toward our next fight.

Bad Jesse.

What compounds all of this is that this trait of mine is one that I do not feel needs to be changed.  There are other lovers in this world who are capable of the same.  Yes, I needed to change my ways of being an extremist, which is the first thing Adam helped me with.  Yes, I needed to get over my new-found issues of jealousy since dating Adam, which I, myself, conquered.  But change how much I love someone?  Even if it pushes them away?  I love Adam in a way that I honestly never knew I could love someone, but it truly puts my heart in a sad place when I have to keep my affections from him, just to give him his space.  I don't need space.  When Adam is here, I want to hold his hand.  I want to kiss his face, and I want to tell him that I love him whenever possible.  Sometimes, he responds to it in a way that makes me think I've found something no one else ever has.  Other times?  He moves his hand from mine, or turns his face before I can kiss him, and calls me a "ball and chain".

:(

I don't deserve that.

What makes it worse is that I am not a perceptive person, I can't read minds, and I don't know when Adam will want to reject my affections.  Of course, this leads to fights.

Which is where we are now.  Adam is out drinking with his friends, will spend the night at his apartment tonight, will work until midnight tomorrow night, and may or may not (even though he says he will) come to my bed afterward.

So, what's a boy to do?

Well, I can try to do as he asks and keep from loving him when he's not ready.  But how is that fair to me?  It's good to compromise in a relationship, as that is one of the keys to them, but would compromising that aspect of me hurt me more than help our relationship?  I feel that yes, I just can't do it.  It would hurt my heart too much to stand in the same room with him, try to keep my hands off him, and watch while the other couples kiss and love each other, openly.

As I typed that I thought about actually changing my mind and saying that maybe I could compromise that part of me.  But I still don't believe it.

Adam, I get that sometimes you need your space.  I get that sometimes you don't want to kiss me in public.  But to ask me to hold back is asking me to change a fundamental part of myself.  I can't just can't do that without damaging myself, and eventually us.

So, what's the other boy to do?

Well, Adam can try to work on not rejecting me, even when he wants it.  But then we'll be back in the same situation.  Adam will be holding back wanting to push me away, and eventually it will bottle up into something that hurts us as a whole.

So then, what?

Maybe that's it?  Maybe we're just at a stalemate?  I hate to say that since lately I have been doing what I said I never would and make empty break-up threats.  But honestly, what else are we to do?  These are two parts of two men that are not wrong in their own respective rites.

See?  I just can't come to a conclusion with this.  This may be the proverbial straw.  Dear God, I don't want it to be.  But I also don't want to be up late at night making a melancholy blog post about love when I have to be up for work three hours later.

Oh Adam.  What are you going to do?  Should I wait for you?  Will you change?  Will I change?

Should we?

Guess I can only react to his next move.

Will keep you posted.

Goodnight blog.  Love you.

I'm sorry Adam.  I'm not as good at being communicative as you.  So I tensed up and was once again too honest.

Yes, physicality is important to me in a relationship.  I've never been so into someone like I am into you, without the physical attraction coming first.  I love the sound of your voice.  I love your cool hair.  The fact that everything you have to say has a meaning and a point.  I love the way you hold and caress me.  When I'm not physically in contact with you I am counting down the seconds until the next time I get to feel you.  I love that you really like me, too.  And I feel that somehow, someway you may be able to look past my superficial shortcomings and care to still be around me.

I'm sorry.  But it was the truth.  Please don't dislike yourself just because of me.

Ferrrussterrrratingggg!

AAAHHHHHH this job has, by far, stressed me out more than any other job in my life!!  I have, on three separate occasions, literally hid under my desk and coaxed myself into calming down before facing everyone again.  And I may or may not have cried.   :|

I don't like how my manager makes me feel stupid sometimes.  Like just now I spent a great amount of detail troubleshooting an issue and I get a call from my manager asking me if I'd done other troubleshooting steps.

Why did my manager have to call me about it?
Why did he have to so carelessly tell me that one of my troubleshooting steps hadn't been used in years?
Why did Dave Yao have to go to my manager about this?  Dave's cool.  And I'm approachable.  So what the heck??

I just feel so small right now.  It's like literally every time I feel like I've got a grasp on this job, something is done or said to kick me down into a stupefying position again.  And no I'm not being dramatic, that is really how it's been since I started this gig.

I think I felt this same way at the Service Desk as well.  The situation is different but I still feel inadequate and immature at times.

Ugh I'm so effing mad right now.  I'm going to go use this energy up at the gym right now.  And I'm going to take more than my regular hour, just 'cause I friggin' want to.

Freakin' Dave.  Why did you not just come to me?  And Greg.  Now I wish I wasn't so light on your 360 Feedback.  I wanted to put more honest, negative points in my feedback to you but I wasn't sure if they would be based on personal feelings, rather than professional opinion.

Hm, "professional opinion".  I didn't think about that term when I wrote my feedback on him.  Now I'm even more irked.

Oh well.  This utterly stressful job, time-consuming school work, annoyingly present roommate, lack of personal release and weekly addition of weight has worn on me so much.  Please God, I know I haven't been going to church in so long, but please just reach into my heart and hold me.  I give it all to You.

It Wasn't Until They Came Along

Nico, Beth.  If you two hadn't come along in my journey to this strange new west coast land, I might've contemplated packing up and leaving in the foreseeable future.

People ask me how I'm doing here or if I miss my family back in Texas.  Every time I reply I feel like I'm fibbing a bit and trying to convince myself that this wasn't a stupid move and that I'm here for a reason.  And that reason, I have finally learned, is last weekend.

I'm a Christian man,  I used to go to church religiously (haha) and tithe even though it kinda stung for how much I gave away every month.  But I was a good, clean, pure person.  And I felt like it.  Truly madly deeply.  As will all things, though, this came to an end.  My cousin, Stephen, and his girlfriend, April, started inviting me to bottomless mimosas at some oh so bohemian cafe on St. Mary's and soon I couldn't wait to wake up on Sundays, praise for an hour at charge and then head to the cafe to get drunk and smoke cigarettes for the rest of the day.

I am not proud of any of this.  Anyone reading this knows that these two lifestyles don't mix.  But after moving half a country away from my easy, predictable life, my beloved family what I thought were my negative influences I can now seen that I won't get away from my party lifestyle.  Yes, I can deny the urge, but for how long?  And does the act of denial feel as good as scratching the old itch?

Yes and no.  I mean it does feel great but...well yes it did feel great.  So that's my dilemma.  I mean I love God and although I haven't been going to church or tithing since I moved to California I still say my prayers, refrain from cussing and try to portray myself as a dependable, loving upstanding kinda guy.  Who loves to party.  All weekend.

What I'm about to say may sound pretty bad, but it's the truth.  The weekend I just spent at  Lakehead with Nico and Beth is one of the best weekends I've ever had in my life.  The lake house was great, the group of people were fantastic and there was much fun to be had.  We drank non-stop from the moment we arrived to the moment we left (literally), I smoked cigarettes all weekend and even smoked some weed.  I fell in love with that weekend.  And I have not felt that passionate about anything since I moved away.  Nico and Beth brought such a refreshing rush of familiarity to me that I am now no longer scared to answer the "Hey how's California?" question.  I feel like my family is now with me here in California even though I know that's not true and sounds stupid.  I don't really know how to describe it any other way but I do know that I want to hang out with all of them again.  Soon.  I just feel so comfortable and happy in a party scene and I'm not going to deny it any more.

I used to suppress it a lot in San Antonio and want to hang out with the church crowd because they seemed so honest, so balanced and just so...pure!  I may still do that and heck this may even get me to go to church more and start tithing to offset the party life.  But I know now that no one, neither here nor in Texas, influences me to indulge in the extreme parts of life except for myself.

So now God and I have to talk about this.  Is this something I can do on a semi-frequent basis without feeling shameful?  Can I still feel like a good, honest person and smile a real smile knowing that I praise God on Sundays and party on others?  Right now I feel like I can, especially after feeling so happy this past weekend.  But that's exactly why I wrote this post -- to reflect.

No posts in five months and then suddenly this.  It's gotta mean somethin'.

Alright well it's past midnight, I'm dead tired and I broke my space bar on my crappy wireless keyboard just now out of and it's super annoying to type so goodnight.