I Just Want Someone To Fall In Love With

Who cares if it never works out?  Who cares if it's just not meant to be?   Can I please just find a guy who's not as predictable as the rest?

Seriously, I would love to just meet a guy that I can give my heart, mind and all to.  If the same isn't returned, then so be it.  I would just really, truly, genuinely like to meet a guy who is true to himself, his friends, his family, his career and his faith.

Please, God, show me he's out there.  If even just to get my hopes up.

Remember!

Man I totally forgot about the idea of taking the high road!  Every time I see Kevin I hold my breath waiting for an apology or some show of regret, and I always end up leaving agitated with my nerves shot because I don't know how to pretend to be mad at someone!  Every now and then I think about having a real sit-down with him to clear the air but I fear that no matter how well-intended my ideas are, approaching the situation will only stir the pot, so to speak.  It truly causes me great unhappiness imagining him wrapped up in his own ill thoughts, feeling completely justified for lashing out at me and my family and still refusing to apologize for it (at least to me).

So I remain melancholy, in prayer, waiting for my reciprocity.

But a-HA!  I have forgotten about the old road adage!  How could I?!  Remembering now how being the bigger person is the reward, I already feel better!

Once again, Kevin: I pray your heart is truly softened by God's touch and you find a way to forgive yourself of this and all wrong-doings to God's people.  I pray I find a way to forgive you too.

The Women In This Family Seem To Run Very Similar Lives

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Forgiveness

Why do we, as human beings, find it so hard to apologize? What I really mean to ask is, why do we find it so difficult to forgive? Deanna is right, I showed grace to Kevin by giving him a valid reason for wanting to end our "friendship". So then what else am I waiting for? I so badly want an apology for the ugly things he said to me, but he made it clear to Deanna that he would not be giving such an apology.

Why not? I suppose it's because Kevin feels righteous for lashing out, but when will he ever learn that he's not the victim? I didn't feel there was anything beneficial to our friendship, and even gave him friendly advice on how to improve, yet he calls me a mean person and says he'll never apologize to me for it.

I am not a mean person. In fact, many would say that I'm too nice.

Maybe Kevin is so hurt by my true words that he's not willing to see how things really are?

The point is, I am sitting in the dark, moping about how I'm owed an apology that I'll probably never get when there's a New Year's party raging down below me.

I can't say for sure whether I'll ever get a real chance to sit down with Kevin and just flesh this all out, but...

Kevin, you are a hurt person filled with too much malice that will eventually take you over if you don't get it under control soon. I have no interest in providing you with any further guidance since I'm sure you'll get the rest on your own eventually, but grow up. Live, learn, and pass it on as I have done for you.

Sleeping On The Couch Again This Weekend

No I wasn't thrown out of my own bed.  Deanna is staying at Mom's again this weekend and this time I don't want her to.  She asked me for money today and I denied her.  I feel a little bad but at the same time Mom's right: Deanna has gone too long without a job now and because of it I'm officially put off by her.  I noticed she's been trying to keep her spirits up the last two days but it won't really help when she won't attack the real problem, the fact that she's just being too lazy and helpless right now.  I know she probably needed the money for gas in order to get her and Naomi to Mom's, but hey that's what jobs are for.

I'm really despising now what Deanna is putting Naomi through.  When Deanna and I were crying on the porch about the money she stole from me, Naomi asked her afterward why she was crying and if they had to move again.

Sheeze, dude, what kind of childhood is that?

I try to have fun with Naomi when I can but she gets in trouble so much and I work so late that it's hard to really enjoy each other's company.

Man, I really want a night out on the bridge tonight.  The weather is barely cool enough for a thin hoodie so it'd be a pretty good night for it, but it's too early right now.  I might go later.  But for now I think I'm going to finish Pushing Daisies and maybe watch a good foreign flick afterward if I'm in the mood.

So today on the drive home I was thinking about how I react to others when they talk to me about my problems.  I can never seem to remember when to just shut up and listen; it's like I'm always trying to fix peoples' problems whether they want the help or not!  Sometimes people just need to vent.  I know I sure do at times and it bores me when people try to summarize a solution to my woes in a few short sentences.  But what I was also thinking was that I have tried many, many times to try and take on a new, better personality and for the most part I just end up getting fed up and falling back into my old self where all my faults and cracks are waiting where I left them.  Sometimes I can make a small change and stick with it, but it takes A LOT of work, self-restraint and constant awareness of myself, which eventually gets...claustrophobic.

Oh I don't know what I'm saying.  I guess, ultimately, I'm just this person who flows into different personalities depending on my mood and the events surrounding me.  Maybe if I just recognize when I'm...transitioning...it would make for a less bumpy ride.  Hmph...

Mmmmmm bridge visit sounds so healing right now.   <3

I ALREADY MISS YOU MAE!!!

I'm torturing myself right now listening to "Tisbury Lane" on repeat.  Not exactly sure why I chose that one to repeat, but it just really fits my mood for MAE right now.  It's sweet, longing, innocent...almost taunting.

The Goodbye, Goodnight tour last night was nothing short of a pure MAE experience.  I thought they inspired me before with their music, but their performance and their light is just something I want to have, in me.  I have sincerely been moved by last night's show and am changed inside.  I don't know how they could perform with such great, big smiles on their faces knowing it was such a bittersweet time.  But then again, if I accomplished half of what they accomplished, I'd be pretty happy exiting the stage myself.

A small part of me regrets not staying to take pictures or get autographs with everyone, but I had too much working against me: I had no one there to take the pictures for me, I had to drive back to SA to get to sleep in time for work today, and there was just a sea of people that I'm sure would've taken up all of the band's time.  But as I walked past the group on my way out, I saw Jacob and Dave shaking peoples' hands and smiling so big.  They were genuinely happy to be there in that moment with their fans and with their achievements, and I was happy just to be in the same room as them and share that same energy.

I will never forget that.

Hm. Bummer. :(

My sister stole from me today. Well maybe not today but she did admit it to me today. At first it didn't even make me flinch, but then I thought about it while she was crying to me, and now it hurts. I'm not a saint by any means, and I guess I even deserve this in some way, but dude this stings. I don't know how much she took and neither does she, but that doesn't really make a difference. I'm glad she admitted it, but only after I took out my Rainy Day jar to re-tally the amount. Which makes me wonder: would she have told me on her own? Does she care to hear what I have to say about her and the situation?

We stood outside for over 10 minutes while she told me, and much of it was silence. I felt bad her for as she told me about how ugly being broken was and having to steal from loved ones. But none of it is my problem. I want to take all her hurt and her pain away, but it's not my problem to fix. I'm already giving her a free place to stay and warm company (I hope), so how else can I help? Going to interviews for her? If it was me in her position I'd feel grateful enough for the place to stay and I wouldn't ask for anything more. She's not asking for more -- in fact she cooks and cleans often enough -- so I think we're both paying each other back equally. Therefore I don't feel horrid for not helping her any more than I already have.

I'm just thinking out loud now; trying to console myself for not taking on her problems when I shouldn't be doing that anyway. I told her that she should've asked me for the money but she knew that I'd give her a lecture and she'd leave feeling lame. But hey what else will it take for her to work harder on a better life for her and her daughter? Now I'm not sure she'll ever learn...

Dude this is so ruining my night. We were going to go knock out some laundry, get the fixings for lasagna at Walmart and stay in for a fun family night watching Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

And now this...

:(







Bummer.