Severed Ties With Kevin Today

Yeah I don't usually make my post titles specific so as not to confine myself to writing about one certain topic, but I pretty much won't be talking about anything else tonight haha.  So yes, I've fully removed Kevin from my life as of tonight and I gotta say, I'm feeling a lot of things right now -- sad, hesitant, empty, justified.  The problem is, I don't feel at all like the one emotion I'm supposed to feel after finally doing this: closure.  Dang it I just wrote it and now it's really real.  I am very much a closure-type person.  From my adult life on I've learned that I can move on, learn from and even appreciate any bad situation or relationship, just as long as I get that warm-in-the-tummy, Ziploc'd ending that I so desire -- no, require.  Tonight marked the most mature, fulfilling and easily digestible breakups that this planet and its meandering people have ever witnessed, yet I don't feel whole again.

Why?

I'm really not sure I can answer that.  I'm usually able to tell how I'm feeling, put it down in thought and words, and fix it or grow from it!  But tonight I can't!  Did I make a mistake?  Well it's ok if I did 'cause I'm sure Kevin and I will be able to reconnect again (hopefully in the distant future), but I mean where's the closure in that?  Maybe that's it!  Maybe because I took a break from him already, I got used to the wet-blanket feeling that came with it?  I think that's it: I'm waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop".  But that's comforting to know because if I know one thing about myself, it's that time is a fantastic catalyst for helping me get back in the "groove" of life again.

Now to see if Kevin will leave me alone.   :/   I deleted him from Facebook and Latitude but he still has my phone number.  If push comes to shove I'll auto-ignore his calls and text messages (I <3 Google Voice).

But anyway, to elaborate on Kevin's and my conversation tonight, I would be happy to vouch for his high potential in becoming a fine human being and man.  He was snappy at first, but understandably, since I spent the last 24 hours snapping at him via text message.  I quickly calmed the situation (how me of me to do) and we sat down to say our pieces.  He obviously still has feelings for me and thinks highly of me, which I unfortunately can't trust since the romantic thoughts are surely blurring his judgment.  BUT, he did eventually agree with me that whatever xxxxxxxtionship we had had successfully run its course after taking our little "break".  So, good.  I appreciate his somewhat-solid demeanor and I truly hope for the best for him and for our (distant) future friendship.

So I guess that's that...

Side note:  I was changing the template for my blog this weekend when I was forced to read my initial posts.  I must say, it is helping.  I'm very happy I started this blog and I know it will continue helping me flesh out the gray areas in life.  Thanks!  Love you and goodnight!

A Good Place

Found a good spot on the Riverwalk to sit and look all contemplative and such. It rocks. And this guy just secretly (well from what he thinks) hid something in the bushes across the river. He totally looked around first but I guess he didn't see me? Anyway, I parked in the suuuper ghetto and somehow made it through the neighborhood alive. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure of how to get back. Heh. Smart. I've been walking around downtown and the Riverwalk for I think about 2 hours now. This morning, when I was at church, the thought crossed my mind to check out the Riverwalk and see if there was a good spot to get some much-needed blogging time in. I remember Deanna pointing out a nice little serene area at the end where the Riverwalk met a big building, and although I didn't quite find it, this may be a better version. So here I am!

I'm so happy I made it to church this morning. I think I'm going to start tithing but I want to make sure I don't start expecting all these great things to happen to me (as if great things don't already happen) just because I've made the decision to tithe. I fear that may be a struggle in the future so I'm hoping recognizing it now will help fight it back.

But yeah church was fantastic this morning. As long as I make it back in enough time I'm going to order Chinese food and watch a movie or catch up on my shows. Can't wait for this week's FMA!

So I'm feeling more like myself as the days pass (read: not like the idiot who fell to lust two Thursdays ago and slept with Kevin). I'm still not sure I can (want to?) continue a friendship with him, but time will tell. He texted me Friday afternoon asking when he could get his pan back. One of the last things he said was "I'm sorry for everything". That's tragic. I think he's just apologizing because he wants us to start talking again and because he's a nervous person, but does he know why he should and shouldn't be apologizing? Well I'll tell you. He should be apologizing because he kept advancing and took advantage of my momentary weakness. He shouldn't be apologizing because, in the end, it was my decision and he can't take full blame for the end result. I hope he grows into a fine person because thanks to experience, I can tell he has potential.

So Deanna payed a HUUUUGE compliment to me this past Wednesday and, as you can tell now, I'm still beaming from it. Let's see if I can copy/paste the quick convo here...

I love Android.

Deanna: Dude, the guy in cloverfield, his life and friends is totally how I see you! Me: Man it's been forever since I've seen that. How do you mean? (5:08 PM) Deanna: Like he is sucessful, chillaxed and has cool friends that really care for him. Me: OHHHHHH MMMYYY GORRRSHH that is so cool of you to say!!!! THANK YOU! <3 Deanna: Tee hee....but seriously (5:12 PM) Me: Wow that so made my day. I love you. :D(5:13 PM) Deanna: Awesome...glad I could do that ;) (5:13 PM) Me: Dude Blockbuster just mailed me Cloverfield today. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!(7:17 PM) Deanna: No effin way! Woooow! A sign indeed(7:18 PM)

I watched Cloverfield the other night and I cried. I hadn't seen the movie since opening night in the theaters and Deanna's comment made it hit so close to home. I love the main guy's character so much and to be compared with him is so humbling and moving to me. And what I love the most is I actually have to agree with Deanna. I mean I don't think I'm quite as awesome as the guy but I'm happily on my way to it.

Let's see, what else? Work is kickin my ass but I'm lovin it. I'm working hard to earn the guys' trust, as well as Sherrika's, in hopes of getting the Manager position. I didn't want it before but now I'm gunnin' for it. I need to learn to delegate and/or learn when to say I have too much to do. I'm in major development mode right now. ;D

Alright so I'm going to enjoy this view and my music a little bit before I start walking back.

Catch up with ya later!

So Much Is Changing

I guess that adage is true: Be careful what you wish for. I have disliked my coworkers' poor workmanship for the most part, but I wasn't expecting this. I mean did the employees have to lose their status too?? They were golden! And now they're so easily expendable! And what's worse is I'M singled out in all this! If I didn't have a trust problem with the guys before, then I sure do now!

Wow what a day...

So I guess the good news is I'm officially (read: finally) supervisor now, and when I think of it, it makes me smile. But why couldn't Sherrika just give me Exempt status like most other employees? When I asked her how it would work with me working overtime, she pretty much told me to work for free. Hey I don't mind working late without getting overtime pay, but for free?? That rubs me the wrong way. :(

Anyway, I'm continuing this entry from last Wednesday (since I was interrupted) and much has gone on since my last official post. I've blogged numerous times in my head, but obviously that doesn't count. The main thing weighing me down right now is my horrid mistake last Friday night. I broke. I tried to come across as a wise, stable, learned soul to Kevin and instead I end up giving into temptation and proving to be just as superficial as everyone else on this planet. Hm, I just realized how OK that sounds; if everyone else is like that, why should I be so mad that I'm the same? Well either way, I knew better and I didn't do anything to stop it while it was happening. I could have, but I didn't. The fact that he was a virgin should have been warning enough, but of course I was too hungry to care. And to top it all off: IT SUCKED. BAD!! He was inexperienced (of course), a little gross to see naked, his wanger was...pointy...he had fur everywhere, he talked way too damn much, and I effin' came almost immediately after entering him. Hahahaha that all sounds so freakin pathetic. Gotta laugh to keep from crying.

Man I'm so stupid.

What I thought was head-and-shoulders above any other guy interested in me was the fact that he came over last night to talk about it face to face. Bravo, kid. I thought I was the only one who cared to do that. He pleaded that we stay friends and even had the balls to call me a coward for trying to push him away after what happened. I say it again: Bra-freakin-vo. As of right now I don't really see a friendship sprouting between him and I and I don't quite trust that he's ended his feelings for me, but I told him to give me some space and let me contact him on my own time. He wasn't thrilled at that offer but accepted it anyway (did he really have a choice?). To be honest, I'm not exactly counting down the days until I'm over this (on the contrary, I think I need to mourn the recent passing of my wisdom for a good while), but I am interested to see the person Kevin becomes.

So now comes the really bad news: Mom called me today and let me know that Grammer has colon cancer. And I still don't think it has hit me. Because I am a selfish person whose main concern is my own well being. And I'm glad no one's around to try and deflect that comment or convince me that it isn't true...because it is true. I've been that way all my life and I'm not sure any amount of growing will change that. See? I even managed to turn Grammer's story into my own pity party! But the fact is, I need to spend more time with her. God knows what's going through her head right now. And I don't know why Mom wants us to pretend like we don't know. I'm sure more than anything Grammer just wants love from her family right now. Maybe I should just call her.

One thing that has been rattling around in my head for a day or two now is this: I'm going through a lot right now -- maybe more than I ever have at any given time in my life -- but I don't think I've ever felt so alive. I'm being pulled simultaneously in several different directions and there certainly aren't enough hours in the day anymore, but I think it was the book of Matthew (don't quote me on that) who said you're not living life unless you're weathering the storm. Well this storm might as well be a monsoon, 'cause I'm in for a while.

Returning To Normal

I'm back at work today.  Waking up this morning was hell.  I set my alarm an hour early so I could get to work and catch up on emails, but I eventually snoozed it all the way to my normal wake up time.  Well ok I would have snoozed it all the way if Mom didn't call me first to wake me up.  She thought she found the charger for my bluetooth receiver but it ended up just being Deanna's charger.

As I got ready this morning I started going through the normal wake-up-and-get-ready motions (skip the shave) and was surprised how easily I picked everything back up.  Warming up the car, I realized I didn't need to go back upstairs for anything, which is a rarity.  At work, I managed to wade through the flood of emails (almost 400, to be exact) in an hour's time and start my normal Duty Agent queue checks just about on schedule.  I was relieved to find that the whole notification debacle that left me in such a dire mood the previous Friday actually ironed itself out.  The day thus far has gone smoothly and now it's lunch time.  I should be checking Twitter and Facebook, like usual, but I just have to blog this...feeling...I have right now.  Like I said, I got ready this morning and even started working today as if I hadn't skipped a beat, but I'm now realizing how removed I feel from all this.  I really must've unwound while away, 'cause even though these "motions" fit like usual now, they still feel foreign at the same time.  With these fresh eyes I have a chance to stop and look at my career right now and I'm a little hesitant about it.  Throughout the day today I've recognized a few key moments that normally trigger an increase in my stress levels; I'm sure these will start to grate my nerves again within the next day or two, but as for today I get to step back and see exactly what's causing it all.  Duty Agent responsibility, getting a call in the middle of doing something else, windows not opening when I click them (a frequent occurrence), hearing Rob's bitching, hearing my boss' bitching, working with lackluster subordinates -- all of this winds me up sometimes and sends me into I-need-a-vacation mode on a monthly basis.  And now I'm thinking, Is this where I'm supposed to be?  Is my career self on track?  I think I'm already aware that the answer to that is a hearty NO.  I don't feel like the supervisor position I'll be taking on is something my heart desires, and that's not good.  My passion for technology should be leading my career self; instead, my love for salary is.  I want to learn to code and develop.  I want to work for Google or freelance, but I lack the motivation or experience.

I should work on that.  Soon.

Something else significant I've stumbled across today: I really can make any day feel like a vacation.  I got some superb relaxation time from my vacation, and some profound think/blog time later in New Mexico.  What's funny is I felt the same level of happy last week that I feel when I'm being just as lazy with friends on a Sunday afternoon at home, or when I get time to think and blog clearly on any given day.  I was expecting to have achieved this heightened level of enjoyment or bliss while on vacation, but it turns out I can make myself feel just as happy or blissful right here at home when the timing's right.  That means that this is it.  There's no special level of enlightenment I have yet to achieve; no goal of adulthood I haven't crossed yet.  I'm already living life, even though I act now like I'm still preparing for it.

So why am I not getting that revelation-type feeling?  Who knows, maybe I already knew this...?

A Little Selfish

Vegas trip's over. We've driven 10 hours to New Mexico and are now staying with Jerry's parents until we shove off at 8:00 PM tonight. Looking back at the last 7 days now I realize that, among other things, the two times I actually blogged on my vacation, I was drunk. :/ I need to be more real about this. My drunk mind has it right: when you're in the moment and get a chance to see the world not fixated on you, blog. I do and that's great, but I need to do it more than just those times, especially since I don't drink that much anymore.

But what's more on my mind is how my attitude has been for almost the entire length of the trip. I look back and although I wasn't a jerk or anything, I certainly wasn't enthusiastic Mr. Happy. Now I do have to admit that I was skippy when I first arrived and Danny, Deanna, Yu Jin and I did have a blast on the strip Monday night. Plus I did get sick for the majority of the trip, which dampened my spirit. So huh, maybe I am just being hard on myself? What I do know is I didn't get to do MANY of the things I wanted to this time, and I wasn't very helpful to Yu Jin with the baby or the house, but as long as I believe that next time will be much better, I'll be able to keep from getting upset. I'm really happy Deanna had a great time on the strip. And Yu Jin was a lot more likeable this go 'round, so that's good too.

Man I am really enjoying having my headphones in, listening to Angels and Airwaves, sitting in the desert, in front of a mountain, blogging. :o)

I got onto Mom last night because I'm finding it more and more difficult to take her sensitiveness, constant down-talk to Jerry, under-breath comments, and general negativity. It's not just this trip that might send me over the edge with her; lately I've discovered that Deanna has become as fed up with Mom as myself and has even snapped at Mom on this trip as well. The more I talk to Deanna about it, the more I feel the situation gets to its boiling point. But here's my dilemma: I tend to have a lot of patience with most situations, so it takes having to get to my breaking point before I'm ready to confront it. I usually wait for this threshold to be met because it gives me a feeling of righteousness while I lay down my speech. The flip side to this, however, is if I wait for said moment, I'll most likely erupt on Mom, and I think we all know how badly she'll take that.

Once again, I must comment on how appealing this moment is. With the earth, my music, my thoughts...

Thanks God. ;)

Anyway, I don't believe I'm reflecting enough from these blogs. It feels seriously therapeutic to be able to release these feelings, and I think for that effect, it's working as it should. But am I growing from all this? Now that I ask myself, yes...yes I think I am. Just at a slow rate hahaha. Obviously, I have to hear myself when I write these things, so there's a bit of self-realization right there, but perhaps I should go read my entries thus far, get a good idea of who I am to the public eye. But not tomorrow. I have TV shows to catch up on. :)

What A Great Time To Blog

My brother and sister are arguing over how drunk I got at the the strip and as mad as I got at my brother for assuming, I understand because Deanna told him that she wanted to keep an eye on me. I'm fine. I always will be fine. Thank you.

Drunk At A Bar

So I'm at Timbers right now with Danny and I got to meet a lot of his friends/coworkers, who are now all very drunk. I'm looking around at everyone and enjoying watching their mannerisms -- some are lovey and huggy, others are super talkative, and some are just plain drunk. I realize that I enjoy this crowd so much. I enjoy it more than any gay guy I've met recently, any fun gay bar I've gone too, any group of friends who are "nice".

This is my type of crowd.

And Danny is staring at some blonde chick.