I Fled From The Sun

At 6:10 AM this morning my flight to San Francisco began.  This is not my permanent flight to San Francisco but instead just a quick visit in hopes of finding an apartment where I will live and subsequently fall in love with the apparently "great" city that no one has anything negative to say about.  Even though it's just a two-and-a-half-day visit, just being on this flight now is making this change in my life feel all the more real.  And imminent.  Like it's looming.

We lifted off from San Antonio before the sun came up but I watched it slowly gain on us as we headed westbound.  As I periodically surveyed the horizon through the small airplane window, I felt almost guilty for fleeing from the sun like we were.  It was like San Antonio was trying to catch up to me, and I wanted to run back to it.  Even now.

I think because I haven't found an apartment yet and I fear I don't even have the official funds for such a place, I'm not appreciating this trip or the move or anything.  Couple that with the thought of leaving, well, everything behind and I'm pretty unsure about anything right now.  I have tried to soothe myself with what tunes my phone has cached lately (by the way, thanks for faux-caching all my other songs, Google Music!) but I just can't break a genuine smile today.  Even now, getting this all down feels like it should be helping, but without knowing where I'm going to live when I move I might as well just shrivel up in a corner and hope everyone forgets about me and my dumb ideas.

Man all I'm doing right now is worrying and what I should be doing is looking up at heaven and asking God to take my troubles, likes He's done so willingly and effectively so many times before.  Problem is, I haven't exactly been God's best friend lately.  I haven't gone to church in about a month, I've been getting drunk weekly, smoking cigarettes daily and not thinking much about Him or the repercussions when I lay my head down at night.  I feel ashamed, therefore I don't want to or feel like I have the right to ask God for anything.  Yes, I still tithe but my actions seem to contradict what my thoughts intend.

So then why don't I call on Him now?  Isn't He supposed to hold and caress me when I feel my weakest?  Isn't He supposed to take my worries when I can no longer bare them?  Isn't He supposed to promise me a safe and loving future, as long as I completely trust in Him?

Yes, He absolutely is.  So I'll take your promise, Lord, and I'll give all my worries to you.  Right now.  You can take my hatred for my body not looking the way that I want.  You can take my fear of being homeless and penniless in San Francisco.  You can take my sadness from the loss of my hometown.  You can take my sad addiction to cigarettes that I never seem to fully leave behind.

And You can replace it all with love, reassurance, confidence and comprehension.  I'm not sure how You do it, but I believe it.  So this trip, when I touch down in San Francisco, I am going to smile and push forward without hesitation or fear.  Even though I don't immediately feel relieved right now, I trust that You change me, because I really need You right now, tomorrow, and for the rest of my days.

Please...