Results

This last week has not shown me much new, but instead has chosen to revisit familiar territory. But revisiting is not all I've been doing, no; I've been observing the results of one's labor (or lack thereof), whether mine or someone else's.

First and foremost, Nathan (my good friend Yanel's brother), came out to his sister. This not only shocked me, but himself as well. I've been listening to Nathan talk about problems identifying his sexuality and tried helping him face the truth that he was so afraid to admit. When I invited him over for some video games last Saturday night, I half expected we would mess around, and I think he did too. What I didn't expect was our topic of conversation to lead back to the backlash of the last time we messed around. I guess it sounds stupid now, thinking we wouldn't eventually fall back on that topic, but I just thought he'd healed from our last blunder. Apparently not. I had to re-explain to him why our last fling was such a bad idea, and in doing so I realized that I actually didn't want to mess around anymore. This is the start of a huge victory for me because I have struggled for quite a while now with denying myself immediate pleasures in order to save my self and sanity in the long run. I finally did so, starting with Nathan, and I thought I already received my reward in my own happiness, but after Nathan came out to Yanel, she sent me a text message thanking me for being such a blessing to Nathan and listening to him when he needed. I was so elated after reading her message to me. I finally feel like I've done what God has planned for me, which is to help those around me with their everyday personal and life issues. Yaay me. :)

What started that weekend (the night before I saw Nathan) was more unexpected results when I drove to Lockhart with Ryan to visit Tio Charlie. We got on the topic of Robby and as he spoke about his reactions to everything, I realized I'm healing better than I thought I was and Ryan really isn't healing much at all. He's finally taking the time to process everything and to stop trying to be so strong. I listened to him and made sure not to interject too much, and it felt comforting knowing that our feelings about it all were so much alike. I really love every person in my family -- effed up or not -- and I'll continue showing my support and love for them so I can be there when it's time to do God's work.

Anyway, I have more to pontificate on but this music and this view from the bridge is too beautiful to miss.

Love you.

Empowered

Ever since I re-visited Scott Austin's preachings and finally went to The Park Community Church's service last Sunday, I feel absolute and so carefree. I've successfully given my worries to God before and noticed the immediate reward, and I think I inadvertently did just that at last Sunday's service. I'm not sure whether being in Scott's presence again or just understanding the relevance of his message is what has uplifted me, but I sure feel it either way. All week I have felt like Teflon, I guess, where I can take on life's dirty mess, but I haven't felt at all this week like any of it has stuck to me or left behind a negative residue.

I was driving down the highway today and released that this time tomorrow I'll be digging my toes into the sand, sipping a beer and enjoying company with one of my best friends. I'm so happy about that. I really don't thinl I'll be taking any negativity with me on our trip because for whatever reason, God is shouldering it for me right now. How lucky and blessed am I? I didn't even have to ask Him, He just took from me as if He knew I'd be better off without it.

Thanks, man. I didn't know it, but I really needed that. Thank You, really.

So Mom and Deanna are in a bit of a tiff at the moment. Mom is more upset about it than Deanna, and it's unhealthy the way she hides her unhappiness from her, but I told them both the same thing after they vented to me: Talk it out. I made sure I told that to Mom first since not only did it seem like she was the one more bothered by it, but also to see if it helped her build her character as a stronger person. My rant about my mom is that she is 50 years old now and it seems that I have worked on myself and found more fixes for myself at 26 than she apparently has. She either doesn't recognize patterns, or doesn't follow through or condition herself when it comes to fixings those patterns. I will need to talk to her about this soon and I'll have to make sure I'm tactically honest with her since her pouty woe-is-me attitude is astoundingly effective at disarming even the most prepared speech. She and Deanna are supposed to talk tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway, my laundry is nearly done and my epiphany has all but faded now. I'm so excited for tomorrow night. See you then, Bloggy. <3

Bleh

It's getting harder and harder to leave the company of my sisters. I fear becoming co-dependent (again) but it feels so good to be around family and laugh. I shouldn't feel reserved when I'm enjoying myself and others.

But anyway, had a fun time with the fam at Ryan's housewarming party last night. I've got to get back to a good routine, though. I stopped tithing a few weeks ago, I've been eating like crazy, I've lost a sense of a real sleeping schedule and I'm just all around in a slacked state. Ugh plus I'm supposed to be seen in a bathing suit next week and the week after. So there's some great motivation right there! Anyway, I'm sandwiched between Deanna and Bobi again and plan on getting some good sleep. Goodnight and love you!

God Taught Me

God had a lot to teach me in these past seven days. A lot.

We actually don't live forever.

Don't keep an outdated version of someone in your mind.

Let it out. Whatever it is.

The mind can, in fact, be completely clear of any real thoughts, even if only short-lived.

Love. All the time. Just love.

This world can contain a whole lot of sadness sometimes. More often than not, people are not only afraid to show emotion, but to experience it too.

People, who you'd swear could be your twin, can reside in the same city as you. And even like hanging out with you. You can find peace, happiness and sadness all at the same time and all in the same place.

Family means so, so much, even if you don't like them.

Keep in contact.

People can be comforted by the smallest thing when their mind needs it.

Some have the capicity to see things so narrowly when it's least suited.

Great things can come from even the saddest of situations.

I really loved you, Robby.

Reset

I am so tired.  I don't have any rhyme or reason to this post, but I know I have to write something.  I can't cry anymore.  Well at least for tonight.  Ryan, Rene, Sarah, Stephen and I all got together at Deanna's apartment tonight to try and...well I don't even know what we were trying to do.  I know we sure weren't there for each other's company because we pretty much showed how adults can do parallel play just like children do.

Deanna...she was just so unapproachable after coming back from Grandma's.  She ignored me most of the time when I tried to get the details about her and Sarah's visit to Grandma tonight, and the small bit she told me about Danny was just...sad.  He took it hard, from what I hear.

Sarah seemed like she was trying to make the best of a situation, and she was doing it well.  Although I didn't see it, Bobi believes that Stephen took it hard.  She said he looked bad, and considering that he had to play April's rock all last week from the death of her uncle, and now deal with this new, closer version of death today, I'd say he's entitled to look exactly like he feels.

Bobi has been great through all this.  She kept Naomi busy while we met with the family today at Tia Cindy's and Dave's house in the afternoon.

Grandma just cried every time someone new arrived at the house; it was exactly how I would imagine a grandmother would react to the death of one of her grandchildren.

Grandpa seemed hurt, but otherwise his usual self.  He snapped at Deanna, Sarah, Ryan, Rene and I while we were huddled in a circle behind him reminiscing about favorite memories with Robby.  Guess we were laughing too loud.

Brenda and Janice were both great to see.  Janice tended to everyone's needs when they needed a chair or a drink or some food.  And Brenda was, of course, great support.

I'm glad I missed Tia Cindy's bad moment in the house earlier.  She was collecting herself when I walked in, but her after-sobs were still hard to hear.

Tio Charlie, Ryan and Rene all met Tio Charlie at his car when he arrived, and they hugged for minutes.  I can only imagine what he was saying to them, but I'm sure he was just so happy to have two of his sons still in his arms at that moment.

My dad...God I was glad to see my dad and cry in his arms.  I know he was feeling all kinds of blessed just to have his children there to be...his children, still.  Mom and Jerry arrived shortly toward the end as well.  I'm glad she was so well received.

Rene and Ryan seemed to take it well, mostly.  A little too well, actually.  When we were all at Deanna's earlier, watching the movie, Rene finally stepped outside, and Ryan followed him after some time.  Deanna saw them talking under the car ports in the parking lot.  I can literally only imagine what was to be said or felt by them during that time.

Look at me, still in work mode, as if I need to take meeting notes of our family gathering today.

Obviously, what encroaches on my thoughts since even before Robby died, is not attempting to include Robert, Rene and Ryan in family events like Grandpa asked.  I literally have no excuse, other than pure laziness.  I had all their numbers; I could've called or at least text messaged them.  Now I wonder if that will eat at me.  I feel somewhat justified, knowing that Deanna called them before Naomi's birthday party, and knowing that they all three got one last weekend at the Lake House with Grandpa and Brenda before Robby passed.

I guess that's what I'll have to settle on to get to sleep tonight.

This event, this momentous act, has reset my life.  All in one fell swoop.  When Janice called me 5 minutes into my lunch and said solemnly, "I have some bad news..."  I never thought she could say anything worse than perhaps maybe a pet died or maybe a family member was in the hospital for some totally treatable ailment.  I mean those are sad things but everyone lives through those scenarios so it's usually a happy ending.

But then she said my cousin, Robby, passed away.

What?


Never would have guessed that.

She asked me to tell Deanna, so I drove to her work and very awkwardly broke the news to her.  I hate to see Deanna cry; it's one of the few images in my head that can make me cry just by thinking it.  She and I are so close but I feel worlds apart from her right now.  I'm very surprised at how distant she's keeping me, and I'm a little hurt too since I really need her right now.  But I have to respect that everyone grieves differently.  In fact, I think I saw all the different types of grievances today alone.

Why didn't I just call him?  I can't say whether or not that question will tear me up as bad as it has the potential to, but I'm sure it will always remain unanswered now.

Life has been reset for me.  Deanna must've stolen the thoughts from my head, because her words to Sarah and I in the car today made absolute, piercing sense.  She simply stated that even though this is a catastrophic event that has been befallen us today, she hasn't felt this clear-headed in a long time.  And Sarah, who said that everything seemed to stop today...

I couldn't agree more.  With both of them.

I wished I had something more profound, more learned to gain from this blog post, but to be honest, I'm very, very lonely right now, and this blog is all I have tonight.

There's so much going through my head right now, but most notably is the adage seize the day.  I think this will help me get into perspective.

I have to make a slideshow of all Robby's pics tomorrow, and I know it's not going to be easy -- artistically or emotionally.  I have a few hours of sleep to look forward to and I have to work out tomorrow.  I don't know how I'm going to do it all.

God, friends, family...be with me now.

Prelude

My cousin, Robby, died today. Sooooo much to write about right now. Add the past two and a half hours of death breath to the last few weeks of mental blog drafts and I've got a potential Pulitzer on my hands. Ok maybe a bestseller.

Anyway we're off to see the family. More thoughts to come...

Happiness Is Not The Default

I'm not sure which one I'm more troubled by: the fact that life doesn't return to normal happiness after a given period of sadness, or the fact that I forgot this important lesson.  I shouldn't be surprised, though, that I've relapsed as this seems to be the cycle that I follow now in my adult life.  It's mighty strange, though, that such a melancholy statement -- happiness is not the default -- would mark my return to normality.

I have been inexplicably depressed for the past month or two now, and how funny that suddenly, out of the blue this past Thursday, I was so easily and unceremoniously freed from that mood just by realizing that I must reach out and take hold of my happiness, because it wouldn't just come skipping back to me like a little lost dog returning home.  And since Thursday I have found that I've smiled an honest smile for the first time in what seems like years, and it's because I decided to change my attitude.

How freakin' weird is that?  And seemingly simple, too?  Again, I know I shouldn't be surprised or baffled by this "discovery", but I am.  It makes me wanna giggle.

Anyway, just wanted to jot that down.  Who knows, maybe I'll have to stumble upon this later again in life when things have me down?  Let's hope I can remember it this time, though...