It Wasn't Until They Came Along

Nico, Beth.  If you two hadn't come along in my journey to this strange new west coast land, I might've contemplated packing up and leaving in the foreseeable future.

People ask me how I'm doing here or if I miss my family back in Texas.  Every time I reply I feel like I'm fibbing a bit and trying to convince myself that this wasn't a stupid move and that I'm here for a reason.  And that reason, I have finally learned, is last weekend.

I'm a Christian man,  I used to go to church religiously (haha) and tithe even though it kinda stung for how much I gave away every month.  But I was a good, clean, pure person.  And I felt like it.  Truly madly deeply.  As will all things, though, this came to an end.  My cousin, Stephen, and his girlfriend, April, started inviting me to bottomless mimosas at some oh so bohemian cafe on St. Mary's and soon I couldn't wait to wake up on Sundays, praise for an hour at charge and then head to the cafe to get drunk and smoke cigarettes for the rest of the day.

I am not proud of any of this.  Anyone reading this knows that these two lifestyles don't mix.  But after moving half a country away from my easy, predictable life, my beloved family what I thought were my negative influences I can now seen that I won't get away from my party lifestyle.  Yes, I can deny the urge, but for how long?  And does the act of denial feel as good as scratching the old itch?

Yes and no.  I mean it does feel great but...well yes it did feel great.  So that's my dilemma.  I mean I love God and although I haven't been going to church or tithing since I moved to California I still say my prayers, refrain from cussing and try to portray myself as a dependable, loving upstanding kinda guy.  Who loves to party.  All weekend.

What I'm about to say may sound pretty bad, but it's the truth.  The weekend I just spent at  Lakehead with Nico and Beth is one of the best weekends I've ever had in my life.  The lake house was great, the group of people were fantastic and there was much fun to be had.  We drank non-stop from the moment we arrived to the moment we left (literally), I smoked cigarettes all weekend and even smoked some weed.  I fell in love with that weekend.  And I have not felt that passionate about anything since I moved away.  Nico and Beth brought such a refreshing rush of familiarity to me that I am now no longer scared to answer the "Hey how's California?" question.  I feel like my family is now with me here in California even though I know that's not true and sounds stupid.  I don't really know how to describe it any other way but I do know that I want to hang out with all of them again.  Soon.  I just feel so comfortable and happy in a party scene and I'm not going to deny it any more.

I used to suppress it a lot in San Antonio and want to hang out with the church crowd because they seemed so honest, so balanced and just so...pure!  I may still do that and heck this may even get me to go to church more and start tithing to offset the party life.  But I know now that no one, neither here nor in Texas, influences me to indulge in the extreme parts of life except for myself.

So now God and I have to talk about this.  Is this something I can do on a semi-frequent basis without feeling shameful?  Can I still feel like a good, honest person and smile a real smile knowing that I praise God on Sundays and party on others?  Right now I feel like I can, especially after feeling so happy this past weekend.  But that's exactly why I wrote this post -- to reflect.

No posts in five months and then suddenly this.  It's gotta mean somethin'.

Alright well it's past midnight, I'm dead tired and I broke my space bar on my crappy wireless keyboard just now out of and it's super annoying to type so goodnight.

Change It Up!

Turns out I'ma hafta change up my routine!  Won't be a total recreation though.  More of a combination of everything I've learned along the way.
So excited!  And determined!

More to come...

I Don't Know WHY I Do The Things I Do

I mean I know HOW to act positively toward others, but why spend the energy doing that?  For my benefit? For theirs?  For mankind's?  (Yeah I went there.)

So This Is Kinda Strange...

I thought I would feel refreshed during my vacation back home but instead I feel better after returning to my normal, daily grind routine.

What do you suppose that means?

I Think I'm Surrounded By Angels

And I am a blessed person.   ^___^

"When One Succeeds, We All Succeed"

I am filled to the brim with appreciation for how much love my family has shown me and themselves these past two months.  From the moment I mentioned my interest in the San Francisco position to the last few minutes before my walk through the airport security, my family has not only shown utmost confidence in me but also a reflection of love -- love that I apparently gave to them.  Now I won't be coy and pretend that I don't know what they're talking about, but I will say that if the version they have of me in their heads paints too pretty a picture, I will surely match that version very soon.  I will have much more time on my hands (at least I'm presuming) now that I won't have so many family events to attend, so I'll be using that time to pick up the things I've been too lazy to follow through with in the past.  This is not simply a reassurance to myself or to anyone else who may be reading this; this is a guarantee.

I will learn beautiful songs to play on my guitar for the family during Christmas and I'll start classes to earn that degree in web development that I used to think was too far above me.  This will be before the year's end.  By end of next year I would have learned to read and write conversational Japanese and will have a plan for my first visit to Japan.  After I receive my Master's Degree two years from now I will land that job at Google and make a memorable name for myself in the tech books.  This all shall occur, I know it as strongly as my family knew how much I would succeed.

So thank you family and friends for believing in not just the me that I am now, but the me that they already know I'll become.  Thank you God for allowing all of this to transpire, from my occasionally-turbulent upbringing, through my sadly-naïve adolescence to my learning-experience of adulthood.  All this is real because of You, and we're all greatful.  I can't wait to rebuild my relationship with You in San Francisco -- my new home.

Sincerely,
Gazing Skyword
Jesse R. Moreno

I Fled From The Sun

At 6:10 AM this morning my flight to San Francisco began.  This is not my permanent flight to San Francisco but instead just a quick visit in hopes of finding an apartment where I will live and subsequently fall in love with the apparently "great" city that no one has anything negative to say about.  Even though it's just a two-and-a-half-day visit, just being on this flight now is making this change in my life feel all the more real.  And imminent.  Like it's looming.

We lifted off from San Antonio before the sun came up but I watched it slowly gain on us as we headed westbound.  As I periodically surveyed the horizon through the small airplane window, I felt almost guilty for fleeing from the sun like we were.  It was like San Antonio was trying to catch up to me, and I wanted to run back to it.  Even now.

I think because I haven't found an apartment yet and I fear I don't even have the official funds for such a place, I'm not appreciating this trip or the move or anything.  Couple that with the thought of leaving, well, everything behind and I'm pretty unsure about anything right now.  I have tried to soothe myself with what tunes my phone has cached lately (by the way, thanks for faux-caching all my other songs, Google Music!) but I just can't break a genuine smile today.  Even now, getting this all down feels like it should be helping, but without knowing where I'm going to live when I move I might as well just shrivel up in a corner and hope everyone forgets about me and my dumb ideas.

Man all I'm doing right now is worrying and what I should be doing is looking up at heaven and asking God to take my troubles, likes He's done so willingly and effectively so many times before.  Problem is, I haven't exactly been God's best friend lately.  I haven't gone to church in about a month, I've been getting drunk weekly, smoking cigarettes daily and not thinking much about Him or the repercussions when I lay my head down at night.  I feel ashamed, therefore I don't want to or feel like I have the right to ask God for anything.  Yes, I still tithe but my actions seem to contradict what my thoughts intend.

So then why don't I call on Him now?  Isn't He supposed to hold and caress me when I feel my weakest?  Isn't He supposed to take my worries when I can no longer bare them?  Isn't He supposed to promise me a safe and loving future, as long as I completely trust in Him?

Yes, He absolutely is.  So I'll take your promise, Lord, and I'll give all my worries to you.  Right now.  You can take my hatred for my body not looking the way that I want.  You can take my fear of being homeless and penniless in San Francisco.  You can take my sadness from the loss of my hometown.  You can take my sad addiction to cigarettes that I never seem to fully leave behind.

And You can replace it all with love, reassurance, confidence and comprehension.  I'm not sure how You do it, but I believe it.  So this trip, when I touch down in San Francisco, I am going to smile and push forward without hesitation or fear.  Even though I don't immediately feel relieved right now, I trust that You change me, because I really need You right now, tomorrow, and for the rest of my days.

Please...