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Sunday, September 26, 2010

Results

This last week has not shown me much new, but instead has chosen to revisit familiar territory. But revisiting is not all I've been doing, no; I've been observing the results of one's labor (or lack thereof), whether mine or someone else's.

First and foremost, Nathan (my good friend Yanel's brother), came out to his sister. This not only shocked me, but himself as well. I've been listening to Nathan talk about problems identifying his sexuality and tried helping him face the truth that he was so afraid to admit. When I invited him over for some video games last Saturday night, I half expected we would mess around, and I think he did too. What I didn't expect was our topic of conversation to lead back to the backlash of the last time we messed around. I guess it sounds stupid now, thinking we wouldn't eventually fall back on that topic, but I just thought he'd healed from our last blunder. Apparently not. I had to re-explain to him why our last fling was such a bad idea, and in doing so I realized that I actually didn't want to mess around anymore. This is the start of a huge victory for me because I have struggled for quite a while now with denying myself immediate pleasures in order to save my self and sanity in the long run. I finally did so, starting with Nathan, and I thought I already received my reward in my own happiness, but after Nathan came out to Yanel, she sent me a text message thanking me for being such a blessing to Nathan and listening to him when he needed. I was so elated after reading her message to me. I finally feel like I've done what God has planned for me, which is to help those around me with their everyday personal and life issues. Yaay me. :)

What started that weekend (the night before I saw Nathan) was more unexpected results when I drove to Lockhart with Ryan to visit Tio Charlie. We got on the topic of Robby and as he spoke about his reactions to everything, I realized I'm healing better than I thought I was and Ryan really isn't healing much at all. He's finally taking the time to process everything and to stop trying to be so strong. I listened to him and made sure not to interject too much, and it felt comforting knowing that our feelings about it all were so much alike. I really love every person in my family -- effed up or not -- and I'll continue showing my support and love for them so I can be there when it's time to do God's work.

Anyway, I have more to pontificate on but this music and this view from the bridge is too beautiful to miss.

Love you.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Empowered

Ever since I re-visited Scott Austin's preachings and finally went to The Park Community Church's service last Sunday, I feel absolute and so carefree. I've successfully given my worries to God before and noticed the immediate reward, and I think I inadvertently did just that at last Sunday's service. I'm not sure whether being in Scott's presence again or just understanding the relevance of his message is what has uplifted me, but I sure feel it either way. All week I have felt like Teflon, I guess, where I can take on life's dirty mess, but I haven't felt at all this week like any of it has stuck to me or left behind a negative residue.

I was driving down the highway today and released that this time tomorrow I'll be digging my toes into the sand, sipping a beer and enjoying company with one of my best friends. I'm so happy about that. I really don't thinl I'll be taking any negativity with me on our trip because for whatever reason, God is shouldering it for me right now. How lucky and blessed am I? I didn't even have to ask Him, He just took from me as if He knew I'd be better off without it.

Thanks, man. I didn't know it, but I really needed that. Thank You, really.

So Mom and Deanna are in a bit of a tiff at the moment. Mom is more upset about it than Deanna, and it's unhealthy the way she hides her unhappiness from her, but I told them both the same thing after they vented to me: Talk it out. I made sure I told that to Mom first since not only did it seem like she was the one more bothered by it, but also to see if it helped her build her character as a stronger person. My rant about my mom is that she is 50 years old now and it seems that I have worked on myself and found more fixes for myself at 26 than she apparently has. She either doesn't recognize patterns, or doesn't follow through or condition herself when it comes to fixings those patterns. I will need to talk to her about this soon and I'll have to make sure I'm tactically honest with her since her pouty woe-is-me attitude is astoundingly effective at disarming even the most prepared speech. She and Deanna are supposed to talk tomorrow. We'll see how that goes.

Anyway, my laundry is nearly done and my epiphany has all but faded now. I'm so excited for tomorrow night. See you then, Bloggy. <3