Stale

I feel so different now from this same time a year ago.  Last year I felt like I was standing at the edge of something...momentous.  Now I feel like I'm waiting, again, for something to happen to me.  Although I have been faithful to the gym, I still can't seem to eat right enough and so I have this constant hanging fat around my back, sides and gut.  And of course I've picked up smoking again, which is weighing heavily on me.  Although I'm becoming closer to Christ and learning more about living the good life, I have this alter ego that doesn't want to let go of the addictive behavior that I'm so used to.

Ugh I'm just repeating what I've been saying for weeks now and I'm so over this post right now.  What I'm mainly trying to say is: I'm reminiscing right now about the life I had with Joseph off Broadway, the feeling of awe and wonderment I grasped so much last year and I'm just plain not happy right now.

I Just Want Someone To Fall In Love With

Who cares if it never works out?  Who cares if it's just not meant to be?   Can I please just find a guy who's not as predictable as the rest?

Seriously, I would love to just meet a guy that I can give my heart, mind and all to.  If the same isn't returned, then so be it.  I would just really, truly, genuinely like to meet a guy who is true to himself, his friends, his family, his career and his faith.

Please, God, show me he's out there.  If even just to get my hopes up.

Remember!

Man I totally forgot about the idea of taking the high road!  Every time I see Kevin I hold my breath waiting for an apology or some show of regret, and I always end up leaving agitated with my nerves shot because I don't know how to pretend to be mad at someone!  Every now and then I think about having a real sit-down with him to clear the air but I fear that no matter how well-intended my ideas are, approaching the situation will only stir the pot, so to speak.  It truly causes me great unhappiness imagining him wrapped up in his own ill thoughts, feeling completely justified for lashing out at me and my family and still refusing to apologize for it (at least to me).

So I remain melancholy, in prayer, waiting for my reciprocity.

But a-HA!  I have forgotten about the old road adage!  How could I?!  Remembering now how being the bigger person is the reward, I already feel better!

Once again, Kevin: I pray your heart is truly softened by God's touch and you find a way to forgive yourself of this and all wrong-doings to God's people.  I pray I find a way to forgive you too.