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Friday, December 10, 2010

Sleeping On The Couch Again This Weekend

No I wasn't thrown out of my own bed.  Deanna is staying at Mom's again this weekend and this time I don't want her to.  She asked me for money today and I denied her.  I feel a little bad but at the same time Mom's right: Deanna has gone too long without a job now and because of it I'm officially put off by her.  I noticed she's been trying to keep her spirits up the last two days but it won't really help when she won't attack the real problem, the fact that she's just being too lazy and helpless right now.  I know she probably needed the money for gas in order to get her and Naomi to Mom's, but hey that's what jobs are for.

I'm really despising now what Deanna is putting Naomi through.  When Deanna and I were crying on the porch about the money she stole from me, Naomi asked her afterward why she was crying and if they had to move again.

Sheeze, dude, what kind of childhood is that?

I try to have fun with Naomi when I can but she gets in trouble so much and I work so late that it's hard to really enjoy each other's company.

Man, I really want a night out on the bridge tonight.  The weather is barely cool enough for a thin hoodie so it'd be a pretty good night for it, but it's too early right now.  I might go later.  But for now I think I'm going to finish Pushing Daisies and maybe watch a good foreign flick afterward if I'm in the mood.

So today on the drive home I was thinking about how I react to others when they talk to me about my problems.  I can never seem to remember when to just shut up and listen; it's like I'm always trying to fix peoples' problems whether they want the help or not!  Sometimes people just need to vent.  I know I sure do at times and it bores me when people try to summarize a solution to my woes in a few short sentences.  But what I was also thinking was that I have tried many, many times to try and take on a new, better personality and for the most part I just end up getting fed up and falling back into my old self where all my faults and cracks are waiting where I left them.  Sometimes I can make a small change and stick with it, but it takes A LOT of work, self-restraint and constant awareness of myself, which eventually gets...claustrophobic.

Oh I don't know what I'm saying.  I guess, ultimately, I'm just this person who flows into different personalities depending on my mood and the events surrounding me.  Maybe if I just recognize when I'm...transitioning...it would make for a less bumpy ride.  Hmph...

Mmmmmm bridge visit sounds so healing right now.   <3