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Monday, June 6, 2011

Clear The Air and Goodbyes

In my head I have blogged at least a dozen times about random thoughts or revelations, feelings that drag me down, general words of growth and pretty much anything that reeked of emo.  But I've never actually sat down to get these words out into my blog because I feel like I've already said them all before, in one way or another.  I have now come to see that starting this blog was a means for me to channel those candid thoughts out into the world without actually bothering a friend or family member with what seemed almost petty to me.  In no way was this a failure.  I have learned so much about myself, how I think and how I pretend to perceive myself and I truly believe that I could not have found all of this out by talking to another human being.  And this brings me back to my main complaint that practically everything I've experienced since my last blog post just seems to be rehashed events with different faces or places but the same scenario in the end.  I can't learn anything new by moaning about the same thing on a different day.

But I still need to get it out.  Sarah is leaving for Georgia today and I know this feeling all to well.  I am once again spending my lunch break at work writing another tear-driven blog post and I can't help but feel like Robby's death is happening all over again.  I'm not hungry, I've got the Mellow Mellow playlist on repeat, I'm back to scrutinizing myself to an unnecessary degree and I'm just plain frozen inside.  I am going to miss Sarah so much and I didn't know it until today.  More than half the songs I've listened to today are ones I've discovered with Sarah, and that sounds right and surprises me both at the same time.  I was so busy this entire "vacation" that I didn't have time to put together the collage of pictures that I wanted to give Sarah during her dinner last night.  I think it's actually good that we do send her a piece of home right after she gets there, but I still feel like I could've tried harder to get it together in time.

Man I feel so frozen.  I feel like the city has grown huge now and towers over me.  As much as I dislike some characteristics that Sarah doesn't even know she possesses, I still would rather keep her here than see her go anywhere.  And this today proves it.  I guess the positive thing I could take from this is that I guess I'm not as much of a frigid jerk as I thought I could be.  Sarah has really gotten under my skin on more than one occasion, but I guess who hasn't, right?  People should be loved for being their beautiful selves and not counted against for their flaws.