Happy To Be Wrong

I wrote that last post drunkenly as I was very much annoyed with Manny.  At the time, I meant it.  But after we had our few days at the hotel room together the next week, everything changed.  I don't know what, but it did.  I am happy now and I don't feel like I am settling and forgetting myself by ending up with Manny.  On the contrary -- I feel like losing Manny would be like losing a part of myself, a part of my life.

Ignore my previous post.  I am happy to be wrong about that, even if I felt right about it at the time.

Thanks for bein' patient.

Been A While BARF

I'm not even the person I was three years ago.  Hell, I didn't even know I posted when I was with Adam.  I reread it just now and... Ew.  Lol.

I was just about to post, “I'm done with relationships!”  As if to sound like I was flustered.  But I'm not.  I'm just... Ready.

Ready to be on my own again, man.

I've been with Manny for two weeks shy of two years now.  Longest I've ever been in a relationship.  And I've already planned our anniversary dinner and gifts.  But the problems are less his shortcomings and more that...I just want to be in my own, alone space again.  Literally and figuratively.

Manny is a wonderful, beautiful, sexy, aware person.  But he can also be a shrewd, selfish brat when he is drunk.  And as much as that is the exception to the rule...

I DON'T CARE!  I WANNA BE ALONE AGAIN!

I don't want to care about having to deal with my boyfriend's problems again, no matter how innocuous or serious they may be.

Jesse, you have a set preference.  And it is obvious now that no human being should be required to try to shoehorn himself into that unattainable crevice. 

So do us all a favor and just... Live that life that you are happiest in.  The one where you make the rules, and that no one gets hurt by them.

I love you, Jesse.  Don't hurt others by appeasing to their temperaments just to make them happy, and to keep the peace.

Bye, man.  I'll talk to you again after you've broken up with Manny (eek -- that is the first step I've taken past just thinking about it), and remembered how happy you are just being happy with yourself.

Reread me and talk to me soon.  Dumbass.

Clicked

So something just clicked in me today.  And it may just be the best thing since starting this relationship with Adam.

But wait -- first things first.  As I was typing my blog post last night, I kept thinking about how selfish I wanted to be and how I just wanted Adam in my bed so I could wrap my arms (that he loves so much) around him and smile contently, even if this is not at all what he wanted for the night.  And as luck would have it, literally seconds after I publish that blog post, Adam sends me a text and asks if I'm still awake.  All schoolgirl giddy-like, I immediately respond, "Yes."

"May I come over"

"Yes."  (Translation: "YESSS!")

"My keys are at your place so i can't sneak in"

At this point I am so fragile and excitable that I start to think that he simply wants to come and grab his keys so that he can go back to his own apartment.  I mean he did tell me himself that he'd be staying at his place for "personal time", even though I asked him if he was coming over (knowing already that he wanted to sleep in his own bed).  So in a sense, I was pulling for him.  I wanted to respect his own time, but I just couldn't bear to sleep alone and not talk about everything that transpired the past 24 hours.

In a risky sentence, I give him what I think he wants, and I offer to bring his keys down to him.

"I want you to buzzz me in"

:: squeal! ::  He wants to come in!  Whether or not it's to yell at me, or grab more of his belongings before leaving, or give me the kisses I'm clamoring for!

"Of course," I tell him.

He then tells me that he's tired, simultaneously signaling to me that:

1. he doesn't want to argue or even talk about last night.
2. he doesn't want to have sex.
3. he wants to sleep in my bed.

Huzzah!  As long as 3 pans out, I'm all for it!

He lets me know that he's in a cab on the way to my apartment.  I fix him a glass of water and then fumble over what music I should play, if any.  I decide to settle on no music at all.  He calls me from the gate dialer downstairs and without even asking who it is, I buzz him in.  Minutes later he finally comes through my door but I keep myself from immediately swiveling around in my computer chair, giving away my obvious desperation.

And then hear an excitable, "Baby!"

And it's him, looking sexy as he always does in his black H&M jacket, removing his headphones and shoes before he passes through the entrance way.

I finally turn in my chair but keep myself from getting up to hug him.  So far he has the upper ground and I don't want to do anything to encroach upon his "personal space" any further.  Grinning, he tells me, "You can't touch me until you put on 'Latch'."  Apparently he was listening to a mix in the cab over to my place and 'Latch' put him in an immediate club mood.

I happily oblige and have the song (and as many different mixes of it as I could find) queued and playing in seconds.  He barks at me to turn it up and I play it as loud I think he needs it.  He starts dancing his usual dance moves (sexy, but limited) and tells me I still can't touch him.  This is the part where I make a lame joke about him being MC Hammer.  Finally, as the chorus busts through the speakers, Adam wheels my chair closer to him and he starts dancing more.

Immediate boner.

And then finally the kiss!  Ah, serenity.  But apparently I still can't touch him.

As the song continues he eventually settles down and tells me that "this song reminds me of us, baby!"

Oh man, I am so happy right now.  Not only is he actually in front me, but he's smiling, he's dancing in front of me, he's kissing me, and he's telling me how a song about latching onto someone reminds him of us.

Why doesn't he ever say these things to me beforehand?!  But no matter, it is still a delightful surprise to hear him exclaim.  And as the song dies down, I stand up, hovering over him, and kiss him several times.  Apparently, he can't get enough of this and keeps asking me for more.  And the kisses get more and more passionate.

Thank you, thank you, thank you God.  This is all I wanted.   :)

As the night progresses, different variations of 'Latch' play and we caress each other, have a few sips of beer, share a cigarette, and then finally settle down into bed.  I thought he was going to sleep in his clothes (ugh -- a sure sign of inebriation), but he quickly removes all lower clothing.  I am so happy that I get to sleep almost entirely naked next to my baby tonight.   :D

We cuddle each other.  A lot.  We watch a bit of Netflix, and then he falls asleep.  It is about three hours now until I have to be awake for work, but I cannot for the life of me fall asleep.  I'm still not sure what kept me up -- Adam's snoring, the fact that I napped earlier, or the completely possible notion that I tend to have wars in my head that keep me wide awake when Adam and I are at odds.  It is most likely the latter since even though I am cuddling the man that I love, and I'm grinning uncontrollably over this sleeping man, I still know that I am a person of resolution and we would eventually have to talk about everything that transpired the night before.

Finally, about an hour before I have to be up, I succumb to sleep.  I groggily snooze my alarm much later than I wanted (guess I'm skipping the shave today) and get ready for work.  Knowing that Adam does not like the constant rude awakening of both my alarm and then my subsequent good morning/goodbye kisses, I lightly press my lips against his temple and make my way out the door.  On the walk to work, in my headphones I start to play my melancholy "Mellow Mellow" mix, partly because I'm not awake enough to hear anything more upbeat, but also because I knew that the last few hours were only a band-aid over what I considered to be the start of a festering wound.  I needed some comfort music for the time being.

Now, fast forward to work.  I'm immediately swamped with what I left to do from last Friday, and barely awake enough to speak coherently.  Somehow I make it through the morning and even actually find the energy to make it to the gym for my usual lunch time routine.

This was one of the best decisions I've made in recent memory.

After the gym, my energy levels are soaring, but my mind is of course still on Adam.  And us.  And the wonderful and helpful conversation I had with my mom the previous day.  And then my blog post right afterward.

And then it just clicked.

Jesse, why have you spent the last few months depending on one human being to determine your happiness?  When you were single, music made your heart smile, friends made you laugh, video games excited you, and the world was just ripe for the picking.  Why, now, do you halt all of those wonderful muses and hold your breath for someone?  Someone who also enjoys those things, but also knows how to love you separately?

And that was it.  I don't need to rest all of my feelings on Adam.  What a pressure of a thing to do!  No wonder he needs his space!  I can be happy doing all the things I did before, living my life, and then making love to my beautiful man when he is here in front of me!  It sounds so elementary, but sometimes I can ignore the obvious that easily!

So here I am.  I literally cocooned, at work, in a matter of hours, and have come out the victor.  I love Adam.  Like crazy.  But I don't have to sit at home alone, counting the seconds until he arrives, hoping work hasn't been a stress on him and broken his mood, and then feeling gloomy just because he does.

Gosh, what a doofus I've been acting!  But I can't say that it was for no real reason.  I have known that the one time before Adam I actually felt something for someone, I immediately sacrificed everything about myself to make sure they were happy.  That is an admirable trait for a lover to offer, but it clearly is not a healthy one.  Adam now no longer has to shoulder both of our emotions.  If he is out having fun with friends (and let's me know his agenda), I don't have to pause my life and wait for his return.  I have that time to pick up that game I've been neglecting, finish those essays I've needed to write, or actually discover new music again.

Man I love this!  I feel so separate but so together now!  Like we mesh even better!  YAAY!   :D

So yes, this may seem like a silly post and realization, but it's mine and I am lit up about it.  I can't wait to start this new chapter of my life, with Adam and me, rather than with Adamme, a Frankensteined version of what I thought love had to be.

Thanks again Mom and blog!  I love learning through you!

Love,

Jesse

Here Goes

Alright so this may be a mistake, but here goes...

I started this blog some years ago to get my words out, but what I didn't realize was how therapeutic it would be, rather than narcissistic.  Reading over my past blogs over the years has shown that, deep down, I really do trust my own instincts.  I've been completely honest about everything I've written, and because of this, I've helped myself come to terms with ideas that I wasn't previously ready to believe.  I stopped blogging over the past two years because it helped me so much that I didn't feel I needed to do it anymore.

And now enter the relationship.  Since I started this blog, I haven't been in a relationship.  For the past five and a half months now, I have been dating Adam.  As evidenced in my previous post, I fell in love with him.  I fell into a kind of love that I never knew, expected, or even thought I wanted.  Honestly, up until Adam, I was 100% content with dying a single, free man.  I thought I had everything I already needed: a great job, a loving and lovable family, and a close circle of friends that made me happy.  But to be honest, the true reason I didn't want a relationship was because I knew I had deep-seeded demons that I was good at ignoring, and would eventually be forced to face.  Of course since meeting Adam, those demons did eventually surface, and I have down a pretty good job of besting them.  Through Adam, and through my own perseverance, too, he has helped me blast through my walls of uncertainty, of superficiality, and even of envy.  Yes, for whatever reason, I envied my own boyfriend.  I envied how much funnier he was than me, how some people seemed to like him more than me, how undeniably perceptive he is, how unbelievably sexy he looked in my own underwear, and the way he knew how to be himself, even if other people didn't like it.  I've faced those issues -- and more -- because I am a survivor and wouldn't dare let anything defeat me.

But now, other issues have surfaced, and I think that these aren't ones that I can defeat.

Let me clarify -- I think that these issues aren't ones that should be defeated.

Right now, the biggest problem between Adam and me is space.  Quite literally from the day Adam and I met, we were immediately comfortable with each other.  The first night we spent together, we drunkenly listened to music, talked, messed around, and randomly ate some bread.  We've been just that comfortable with each other since then, to the point where Adam pays for an apartment that he spends no more than three nights in per month.  And those nights spent there are usually in between fights.   :(   Right now Adam is sleeping at his own apartment partly because of our fight last night, but also partly because he needs to organize some of his own things.  Obviously an understandable task.  But that second reason is just slightly overshadowed by the fact that he just wants time to himself.  This, I honestly have a problem with.

And already I am starting to feel some sort of resolution out of this.  Thank you, blog.

I am the type of lover who, a lot would say, is the smothering kind.  My thoughts almost never stray from Adam, I devote all of my time to him, and I gladly sacrifice parts of myself and life for him, even if he doesn't want it.  This is both a positive and negative trait, but one more than the other.  It is positive because the recipient of all of this is showered with what a lover should be showered with.  It is, unfortunately, more of a negative trait because it could easily scare off anyone who doesn't perceive love the same way.  Additionally, it's negative because if I don't feel I have received the same kind of devotion, I internalize it and eventually use it as ammunition toward our next fight.

Bad Jesse.

What compounds all of this is that this trait of mine is one that I do not feel needs to be changed.  There are other lovers in this world who are capable of the same.  Yes, I needed to change my ways of being an extremist, which is the first thing Adam helped me with.  Yes, I needed to get over my new-found issues of jealousy since dating Adam, which I, myself, conquered.  But change how much I love someone?  Even if it pushes them away?  I love Adam in a way that I honestly never knew I could love someone, but it truly puts my heart in a sad place when I have to keep my affections from him, just to give him his space.  I don't need space.  When Adam is here, I want to hold his hand.  I want to kiss his face, and I want to tell him that I love him whenever possible.  Sometimes, he responds to it in a way that makes me think I've found something no one else ever has.  Other times?  He moves his hand from mine, or turns his face before I can kiss him, and calls me a "ball and chain".

:(

I don't deserve that.

What makes it worse is that I am not a perceptive person, I can't read minds, and I don't know when Adam will want to reject my affections.  Of course, this leads to fights.

Which is where we are now.  Adam is out drinking with his friends, will spend the night at his apartment tonight, will work until midnight tomorrow night, and may or may not (even though he says he will) come to my bed afterward.

So, what's a boy to do?

Well, I can try to do as he asks and keep from loving him when he's not ready.  But how is that fair to me?  It's good to compromise in a relationship, as that is one of the keys to them, but would compromising that aspect of me hurt me more than help our relationship?  I feel that yes, I just can't do it.  It would hurt my heart too much to stand in the same room with him, try to keep my hands off him, and watch while the other couples kiss and love each other, openly.

As I typed that I thought about actually changing my mind and saying that maybe I could compromise that part of me.  But I still don't believe it.

Adam, I get that sometimes you need your space.  I get that sometimes you don't want to kiss me in public.  But to ask me to hold back is asking me to change a fundamental part of myself.  I can't just can't do that without damaging myself, and eventually us.

So, what's the other boy to do?

Well, Adam can try to work on not rejecting me, even when he wants it.  But then we'll be back in the same situation.  Adam will be holding back wanting to push me away, and eventually it will bottle up into something that hurts us as a whole.

So then, what?

Maybe that's it?  Maybe we're just at a stalemate?  I hate to say that since lately I have been doing what I said I never would and make empty break-up threats.  But honestly, what else are we to do?  These are two parts of two men that are not wrong in their own respective rites.

See?  I just can't come to a conclusion with this.  This may be the proverbial straw.  Dear God, I don't want it to be.  But I also don't want to be up late at night making a melancholy blog post about love when I have to be up for work three hours later.

Oh Adam.  What are you going to do?  Should I wait for you?  Will you change?  Will I change?

Should we?

Guess I can only react to his next move.

Will keep you posted.

Goodnight blog.  Love you.

I'm sorry Adam.  I'm not as good at being communicative as you.  So I tensed up and was once again too honest.

Yes, physicality is important to me in a relationship.  I've never been so into someone like I am into you, without the physical attraction coming first.  I love the sound of your voice.  I love your cool hair.  The fact that everything you have to say has a meaning and a point.  I love the way you hold and caress me.  When I'm not physically in contact with you I am counting down the seconds until the next time I get to feel you.  I love that you really like me, too.  And I feel that somehow, someway you may be able to look past my superficial shortcomings and care to still be around me.

I'm sorry.  But it was the truth.  Please don't dislike yourself just because of me.

Ferrrussterrrratingggg!

AAAHHHHHH this job has, by far, stressed me out more than any other job in my life!!  I have, on three separate occasions, literally hid under my desk and coaxed myself into calming down before facing everyone again.  And I may or may not have cried.   :|

I don't like how my manager makes me feel stupid sometimes.  Like just now I spent a great amount of detail troubleshooting an issue and I get a call from my manager asking me if I'd done other troubleshooting steps.

Why did my manager have to call me about it?
Why did he have to so carelessly tell me that one of my troubleshooting steps hadn't been used in years?
Why did Dave Yao have to go to my manager about this?  Dave's cool.  And I'm approachable.  So what the heck??

I just feel so small right now.  It's like literally every time I feel like I've got a grasp on this job, something is done or said to kick me down into a stupefying position again.  And no I'm not being dramatic, that is really how it's been since I started this gig.

I think I felt this same way at the Service Desk as well.  The situation is different but I still feel inadequate and immature at times.

Ugh I'm so effing mad right now.  I'm going to go use this energy up at the gym right now.  And I'm going to take more than my regular hour, just 'cause I friggin' want to.

Freakin' Dave.  Why did you not just come to me?  And Greg.  Now I wish I wasn't so light on your 360 Feedback.  I wanted to put more honest, negative points in my feedback to you but I wasn't sure if they would be based on personal feelings, rather than professional opinion.

Hm, "professional opinion".  I didn't think about that term when I wrote my feedback on him.  Now I'm even more irked.

Oh well.  This utterly stressful job, time-consuming school work, annoyingly present roommate, lack of personal release and weekly addition of weight has worn on me so much.  Please God, I know I haven't been going to church in so long, but please just reach into my heart and hold me.  I give it all to You.

It Wasn't Until They Came Along

Nico, Beth.  If you two hadn't come along in my journey to this strange new west coast land, I might've contemplated packing up and leaving in the foreseeable future.

People ask me how I'm doing here or if I miss my family back in Texas.  Every time I reply I feel like I'm fibbing a bit and trying to convince myself that this wasn't a stupid move and that I'm here for a reason.  And that reason, I have finally learned, is last weekend.

I'm a Christian man,  I used to go to church religiously (haha) and tithe even though it kinda stung for how much I gave away every month.  But I was a good, clean, pure person.  And I felt like it.  Truly madly deeply.  As will all things, though, this came to an end.  My cousin, Stephen, and his girlfriend, April, started inviting me to bottomless mimosas at some oh so bohemian cafe on St. Mary's and soon I couldn't wait to wake up on Sundays, praise for an hour at charge and then head to the cafe to get drunk and smoke cigarettes for the rest of the day.

I am not proud of any of this.  Anyone reading this knows that these two lifestyles don't mix.  But after moving half a country away from my easy, predictable life, my beloved family what I thought were my negative influences I can now seen that I won't get away from my party lifestyle.  Yes, I can deny the urge, but for how long?  And does the act of denial feel as good as scratching the old itch?

Yes and no.  I mean it does feel great but...well yes it did feel great.  So that's my dilemma.  I mean I love God and although I haven't been going to church or tithing since I moved to California I still say my prayers, refrain from cussing and try to portray myself as a dependable, loving upstanding kinda guy.  Who loves to party.  All weekend.

What I'm about to say may sound pretty bad, but it's the truth.  The weekend I just spent at  Lakehead with Nico and Beth is one of the best weekends I've ever had in my life.  The lake house was great, the group of people were fantastic and there was much fun to be had.  We drank non-stop from the moment we arrived to the moment we left (literally), I smoked cigarettes all weekend and even smoked some weed.  I fell in love with that weekend.  And I have not felt that passionate about anything since I moved away.  Nico and Beth brought such a refreshing rush of familiarity to me that I am now no longer scared to answer the "Hey how's California?" question.  I feel like my family is now with me here in California even though I know that's not true and sounds stupid.  I don't really know how to describe it any other way but I do know that I want to hang out with all of them again.  Soon.  I just feel so comfortable and happy in a party scene and I'm not going to deny it any more.

I used to suppress it a lot in San Antonio and want to hang out with the church crowd because they seemed so honest, so balanced and just so...pure!  I may still do that and heck this may even get me to go to church more and start tithing to offset the party life.  But I know now that no one, neither here nor in Texas, influences me to indulge in the extreme parts of life except for myself.

So now God and I have to talk about this.  Is this something I can do on a semi-frequent basis without feeling shameful?  Can I still feel like a good, honest person and smile a real smile knowing that I praise God on Sundays and party on others?  Right now I feel like I can, especially after feeling so happy this past weekend.  But that's exactly why I wrote this post -- to reflect.

No posts in five months and then suddenly this.  It's gotta mean somethin'.

Alright well it's past midnight, I'm dead tired and I broke my space bar on my crappy wireless keyboard just now out of and it's super annoying to type so goodnight.

Change It Up!

Turns out I'ma hafta change up my routine!  Won't be a total recreation though.  More of a combination of everything I've learned along the way.
So excited!  And determined!

More to come...

I Don't Know WHY I Do The Things I Do

I mean I know HOW to act positively toward others, but why spend the energy doing that?  For my benefit? For theirs?  For mankind's?  (Yeah I went there.)

So This Is Kinda Strange...

I thought I would feel refreshed during my vacation back home but instead I feel better after returning to my normal, daily grind routine.

What do you suppose that means?

I Think I'm Surrounded By Angels

And I am a blessed person.   ^___^

"When One Succeeds, We All Succeed"

I am filled to the brim with appreciation for how much love my family has shown me and themselves these past two months.  From the moment I mentioned my interest in the San Francisco position to the last few minutes before my walk through the airport security, my family has not only shown utmost confidence in me but also a reflection of love -- love that I apparently gave to them.  Now I won't be coy and pretend that I don't know what they're talking about, but I will say that if the version they have of me in their heads paints too pretty a picture, I will surely match that version very soon.  I will have much more time on my hands (at least I'm presuming) now that I won't have so many family events to attend, so I'll be using that time to pick up the things I've been too lazy to follow through with in the past.  This is not simply a reassurance to myself or to anyone else who may be reading this; this is a guarantee.

I will learn beautiful songs to play on my guitar for the family during Christmas and I'll start classes to earn that degree in web development that I used to think was too far above me.  This will be before the year's end.  By end of next year I would have learned to read and write conversational Japanese and will have a plan for my first visit to Japan.  After I receive my Master's Degree two years from now I will land that job at Google and make a memorable name for myself in the tech books.  This all shall occur, I know it as strongly as my family knew how much I would succeed.

So thank you family and friends for believing in not just the me that I am now, but the me that they already know I'll become.  Thank you God for allowing all of this to transpire, from my occasionally-turbulent upbringing, through my sadly-naïve adolescence to my learning-experience of adulthood.  All this is real because of You, and we're all greatful.  I can't wait to rebuild my relationship with You in San Francisco -- my new home.

Sincerely,
Gazing Skyword
Jesse R. Moreno

I Fled From The Sun

At 6:10 AM this morning my flight to San Francisco began.  This is not my permanent flight to San Francisco but instead just a quick visit in hopes of finding an apartment where I will live and subsequently fall in love with the apparently "great" city that no one has anything negative to say about.  Even though it's just a two-and-a-half-day visit, just being on this flight now is making this change in my life feel all the more real.  And imminent.  Like it's looming.

We lifted off from San Antonio before the sun came up but I watched it slowly gain on us as we headed westbound.  As I periodically surveyed the horizon through the small airplane window, I felt almost guilty for fleeing from the sun like we were.  It was like San Antonio was trying to catch up to me, and I wanted to run back to it.  Even now.

I think because I haven't found an apartment yet and I fear I don't even have the official funds for such a place, I'm not appreciating this trip or the move or anything.  Couple that with the thought of leaving, well, everything behind and I'm pretty unsure about anything right now.  I have tried to soothe myself with what tunes my phone has cached lately (by the way, thanks for faux-caching all my other songs, Google Music!) but I just can't break a genuine smile today.  Even now, getting this all down feels like it should be helping, but without knowing where I'm going to live when I move I might as well just shrivel up in a corner and hope everyone forgets about me and my dumb ideas.

Man all I'm doing right now is worrying and what I should be doing is looking up at heaven and asking God to take my troubles, likes He's done so willingly and effectively so many times before.  Problem is, I haven't exactly been God's best friend lately.  I haven't gone to church in about a month, I've been getting drunk weekly, smoking cigarettes daily and not thinking much about Him or the repercussions when I lay my head down at night.  I feel ashamed, therefore I don't want to or feel like I have the right to ask God for anything.  Yes, I still tithe but my actions seem to contradict what my thoughts intend.

So then why don't I call on Him now?  Isn't He supposed to hold and caress me when I feel my weakest?  Isn't He supposed to take my worries when I can no longer bare them?  Isn't He supposed to promise me a safe and loving future, as long as I completely trust in Him?

Yes, He absolutely is.  So I'll take your promise, Lord, and I'll give all my worries to you.  Right now.  You can take my hatred for my body not looking the way that I want.  You can take my fear of being homeless and penniless in San Francisco.  You can take my sadness from the loss of my hometown.  You can take my sad addiction to cigarettes that I never seem to fully leave behind.

And You can replace it all with love, reassurance, confidence and comprehension.  I'm not sure how You do it, but I believe it.  So this trip, when I touch down in San Francisco, I am going to smile and push forward without hesitation or fear.  Even though I don't immediately feel relieved right now, I trust that You change me, because I really need You right now, tomorrow, and for the rest of my days.

Please...

I Made My Little Brother Cry Today

I unfortunately don't have time right now to go into this even though it's sitting very heavy on me still, but today my little brother cried, and obviously it's a rare enough occasion that I need to write it down.  My heart hurts right now and I've been crying on and off for hours now since I saw John Michael cry.  It hurts more than it should because I am the one that made him cry.

I hate that.

Today John Michael heard that I am in the beginning stages of interviewing for a position in our San Francisco office at work and, God willing, if I get it I'll obviously move.  And soon.  And I don't think I've ever seen John Michael cry so hard or so long.

Since the day that boy was born, I was determined to give him the best older brother that I could muster.  Apparently I've done well since he hurt so much today just knowing that I might possibly move away.

I'm crying again now and I have Jon and Jason's birthday party to go to so I'll have to leave for now until I can write it all down later.

Clear The Air and Goodbyes

In my head I have blogged at least a dozen times about random thoughts or revelations, feelings that drag me down, general words of growth and pretty much anything that reeked of emo.  But I've never actually sat down to get these words out into my blog because I feel like I've already said them all before, in one way or another.  I have now come to see that starting this blog was a means for me to channel those candid thoughts out into the world without actually bothering a friend or family member with what seemed almost petty to me.  In no way was this a failure.  I have learned so much about myself, how I think and how I pretend to perceive myself and I truly believe that I could not have found all of this out by talking to another human being.  And this brings me back to my main complaint that practically everything I've experienced since my last blog post just seems to be rehashed events with different faces or places but the same scenario in the end.  I can't learn anything new by moaning about the same thing on a different day.

But I still need to get it out.  Sarah is leaving for Georgia today and I know this feeling all to well.  I am once again spending my lunch break at work writing another tear-driven blog post and I can't help but feel like Robby's death is happening all over again.  I'm not hungry, I've got the Mellow Mellow playlist on repeat, I'm back to scrutinizing myself to an unnecessary degree and I'm just plain frozen inside.  I am going to miss Sarah so much and I didn't know it until today.  More than half the songs I've listened to today are ones I've discovered with Sarah, and that sounds right and surprises me both at the same time.  I was so busy this entire "vacation" that I didn't have time to put together the collage of pictures that I wanted to give Sarah during her dinner last night.  I think it's actually good that we do send her a piece of home right after she gets there, but I still feel like I could've tried harder to get it together in time.

Man I feel so frozen.  I feel like the city has grown huge now and towers over me.  As much as I dislike some characteristics that Sarah doesn't even know she possesses, I still would rather keep her here than see her go anywhere.  And this today proves it.  I guess the positive thing I could take from this is that I guess I'm not as much of a frigid jerk as I thought I could be.  Sarah has really gotten under my skin on more than one occasion, but I guess who hasn't, right?  People should be loved for being their beautiful selves and not counted against for their flaws.

Stale

I feel so different now from this same time a year ago.  Last year I felt like I was standing at the edge of something...momentous.  Now I feel like I'm waiting, again, for something to happen to me.  Although I have been faithful to the gym, I still can't seem to eat right enough and so I have this constant hanging fat around my back, sides and gut.  And of course I've picked up smoking again, which is weighing heavily on me.  Although I'm becoming closer to Christ and learning more about living the good life, I have this alter ego that doesn't want to let go of the addictive behavior that I'm so used to.

Ugh I'm just repeating what I've been saying for weeks now and I'm so over this post right now.  What I'm mainly trying to say is: I'm reminiscing right now about the life I had with Joseph off Broadway, the feeling of awe and wonderment I grasped so much last year and I'm just plain not happy right now.

I Just Want Someone To Fall In Love With

Who cares if it never works out?  Who cares if it's just not meant to be?   Can I please just find a guy who's not as predictable as the rest?

Seriously, I would love to just meet a guy that I can give my heart, mind and all to.  If the same isn't returned, then so be it.  I would just really, truly, genuinely like to meet a guy who is true to himself, his friends, his family, his career and his faith.

Please, God, show me he's out there.  If even just to get my hopes up.

Remember!

Man I totally forgot about the idea of taking the high road!  Every time I see Kevin I hold my breath waiting for an apology or some show of regret, and I always end up leaving agitated with my nerves shot because I don't know how to pretend to be mad at someone!  Every now and then I think about having a real sit-down with him to clear the air but I fear that no matter how well-intended my ideas are, approaching the situation will only stir the pot, so to speak.  It truly causes me great unhappiness imagining him wrapped up in his own ill thoughts, feeling completely justified for lashing out at me and my family and still refusing to apologize for it (at least to me).

So I remain melancholy, in prayer, waiting for my reciprocity.

But a-HA!  I have forgotten about the old road adage!  How could I?!  Remembering now how being the bigger person is the reward, I already feel better!

Once again, Kevin: I pray your heart is truly softened by God's touch and you find a way to forgive yourself of this and all wrong-doings to God's people.  I pray I find a way to forgive you too.

The Women In This Family Seem To Run Very Similar Lives

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Forgiveness

Why do we, as human beings, find it so hard to apologize? What I really mean to ask is, why do we find it so difficult to forgive? Deanna is right, I showed grace to Kevin by giving him a valid reason for wanting to end our "friendship". So then what else am I waiting for? I so badly want an apology for the ugly things he said to me, but he made it clear to Deanna that he would not be giving such an apology.

Why not? I suppose it's because Kevin feels righteous for lashing out, but when will he ever learn that he's not the victim? I didn't feel there was anything beneficial to our friendship, and even gave him friendly advice on how to improve, yet he calls me a mean person and says he'll never apologize to me for it.

I am not a mean person. In fact, many would say that I'm too nice.

Maybe Kevin is so hurt by my true words that he's not willing to see how things really are?

The point is, I am sitting in the dark, moping about how I'm owed an apology that I'll probably never get when there's a New Year's party raging down below me.

I can't say for sure whether I'll ever get a real chance to sit down with Kevin and just flesh this all out, but...

Kevin, you are a hurt person filled with too much malice that will eventually take you over if you don't get it under control soon. I have no interest in providing you with any further guidance since I'm sure you'll get the rest on your own eventually, but grow up. Live, learn, and pass it on as I have done for you.