I Think I'm Surrounded By Angels

And I am a blessed person.   ^___^

"When One Succeeds, We All Succeed"

I am filled to the brim with appreciation for how much love my family has shown me and themselves these past two months.  From the moment I mentioned my interest in the San Francisco position to the last few minutes before my walk through the airport security, my family has not only shown utmost confidence in me but also a reflection of love -- love that I apparently gave to them.  Now I won't be coy and pretend that I don't know what they're talking about, but I will say that if the version they have of me in their heads paints too pretty a picture, I will surely match that version very soon.  I will have much more time on my hands (at least I'm presuming) now that I won't have so many family events to attend, so I'll be using that time to pick up the things I've been too lazy to follow through with in the past.  This is not simply a reassurance to myself or to anyone else who may be reading this; this is a guarantee.

I will learn beautiful songs to play on my guitar for the family during Christmas and I'll start classes to earn that degree in web development that I used to think was too far above me.  This will be before the year's end.  By end of next year I would have learned to read and write conversational Japanese and will have a plan for my first visit to Japan.  After I receive my Master's Degree two years from now I will land that job at Google and make a memorable name for myself in the tech books.  This all shall occur, I know it as strongly as my family knew how much I would succeed.

So thank you family and friends for believing in not just the me that I am now, but the me that they already know I'll become.  Thank you God for allowing all of this to transpire, from my occasionally-turbulent upbringing, through my sadly-naïve adolescence to my learning-experience of adulthood.  All this is real because of You, and we're all greatful.  I can't wait to rebuild my relationship with You in San Francisco -- my new home.

Sincerely,
Gazing Skyword
Jesse R. Moreno

I Fled From The Sun

At 6:10 AM this morning my flight to San Francisco began.  This is not my permanent flight to San Francisco but instead just a quick visit in hopes of finding an apartment where I will live and subsequently fall in love with the apparently "great" city that no one has anything negative to say about.  Even though it's just a two-and-a-half-day visit, just being on this flight now is making this change in my life feel all the more real.  And imminent.  Like it's looming.

We lifted off from San Antonio before the sun came up but I watched it slowly gain on us as we headed westbound.  As I periodically surveyed the horizon through the small airplane window, I felt almost guilty for fleeing from the sun like we were.  It was like San Antonio was trying to catch up to me, and I wanted to run back to it.  Even now.

I think because I haven't found an apartment yet and I fear I don't even have the official funds for such a place, I'm not appreciating this trip or the move or anything.  Couple that with the thought of leaving, well, everything behind and I'm pretty unsure about anything right now.  I have tried to soothe myself with what tunes my phone has cached lately (by the way, thanks for faux-caching all my other songs, Google Music!) but I just can't break a genuine smile today.  Even now, getting this all down feels like it should be helping, but without knowing where I'm going to live when I move I might as well just shrivel up in a corner and hope everyone forgets about me and my dumb ideas.

Man all I'm doing right now is worrying and what I should be doing is looking up at heaven and asking God to take my troubles, likes He's done so willingly and effectively so many times before.  Problem is, I haven't exactly been God's best friend lately.  I haven't gone to church in about a month, I've been getting drunk weekly, smoking cigarettes daily and not thinking much about Him or the repercussions when I lay my head down at night.  I feel ashamed, therefore I don't want to or feel like I have the right to ask God for anything.  Yes, I still tithe but my actions seem to contradict what my thoughts intend.

So then why don't I call on Him now?  Isn't He supposed to hold and caress me when I feel my weakest?  Isn't He supposed to take my worries when I can no longer bare them?  Isn't He supposed to promise me a safe and loving future, as long as I completely trust in Him?

Yes, He absolutely is.  So I'll take your promise, Lord, and I'll give all my worries to you.  Right now.  You can take my hatred for my body not looking the way that I want.  You can take my fear of being homeless and penniless in San Francisco.  You can take my sadness from the loss of my hometown.  You can take my sad addiction to cigarettes that I never seem to fully leave behind.

And You can replace it all with love, reassurance, confidence and comprehension.  I'm not sure how You do it, but I believe it.  So this trip, when I touch down in San Francisco, I am going to smile and push forward without hesitation or fear.  Even though I don't immediately feel relieved right now, I trust that You change me, because I really need You right now, tomorrow, and for the rest of my days.

Please...

I Made My Little Brother Cry Today

I unfortunately don't have time right now to go into this even though it's sitting very heavy on me still, but today my little brother cried, and obviously it's a rare enough occasion that I need to write it down.  My heart hurts right now and I've been crying on and off for hours now since I saw John Michael cry.  It hurts more than it should because I am the one that made him cry.

I hate that.

Today John Michael heard that I am in the beginning stages of interviewing for a position in our San Francisco office at work and, God willing, if I get it I'll obviously move.  And soon.  And I don't think I've ever seen John Michael cry so hard or so long.

Since the day that boy was born, I was determined to give him the best older brother that I could muster.  Apparently I've done well since he hurt so much today just knowing that I might possibly move away.

I'm crying again now and I have Jon and Jason's birthday party to go to so I'll have to leave for now until I can write it all down later.

Clear The Air and Goodbyes

In my head I have blogged at least a dozen times about random thoughts or revelations, feelings that drag me down, general words of growth and pretty much anything that reeked of emo.  But I've never actually sat down to get these words out into my blog because I feel like I've already said them all before, in one way or another.  I have now come to see that starting this blog was a means for me to channel those candid thoughts out into the world without actually bothering a friend or family member with what seemed almost petty to me.  In no way was this a failure.  I have learned so much about myself, how I think and how I pretend to perceive myself and I truly believe that I could not have found all of this out by talking to another human being.  And this brings me back to my main complaint that practically everything I've experienced since my last blog post just seems to be rehashed events with different faces or places but the same scenario in the end.  I can't learn anything new by moaning about the same thing on a different day.

But I still need to get it out.  Sarah is leaving for Georgia today and I know this feeling all to well.  I am once again spending my lunch break at work writing another tear-driven blog post and I can't help but feel like Robby's death is happening all over again.  I'm not hungry, I've got the Mellow Mellow playlist on repeat, I'm back to scrutinizing myself to an unnecessary degree and I'm just plain frozen inside.  I am going to miss Sarah so much and I didn't know it until today.  More than half the songs I've listened to today are ones I've discovered with Sarah, and that sounds right and surprises me both at the same time.  I was so busy this entire "vacation" that I didn't have time to put together the collage of pictures that I wanted to give Sarah during her dinner last night.  I think it's actually good that we do send her a piece of home right after she gets there, but I still feel like I could've tried harder to get it together in time.

Man I feel so frozen.  I feel like the city has grown huge now and towers over me.  As much as I dislike some characteristics that Sarah doesn't even know she possesses, I still would rather keep her here than see her go anywhere.  And this today proves it.  I guess the positive thing I could take from this is that I guess I'm not as much of a frigid jerk as I thought I could be.  Sarah has really gotten under my skin on more than one occasion, but I guess who hasn't, right?  People should be loved for being their beautiful selves and not counted against for their flaws.

Stale

I feel so different now from this same time a year ago.  Last year I felt like I was standing at the edge of something...momentous.  Now I feel like I'm waiting, again, for something to happen to me.  Although I have been faithful to the gym, I still can't seem to eat right enough and so I have this constant hanging fat around my back, sides and gut.  And of course I've picked up smoking again, which is weighing heavily on me.  Although I'm becoming closer to Christ and learning more about living the good life, I have this alter ego that doesn't want to let go of the addictive behavior that I'm so used to.

Ugh I'm just repeating what I've been saying for weeks now and I'm so over this post right now.  What I'm mainly trying to say is: I'm reminiscing right now about the life I had with Joseph off Broadway, the feeling of awe and wonderment I grasped so much last year and I'm just plain not happy right now.

I Just Want Someone To Fall In Love With

Who cares if it never works out?  Who cares if it's just not meant to be?   Can I please just find a guy who's not as predictable as the rest?

Seriously, I would love to just meet a guy that I can give my heart, mind and all to.  If the same isn't returned, then so be it.  I would just really, truly, genuinely like to meet a guy who is true to himself, his friends, his family, his career and his faith.

Please, God, show me he's out there.  If even just to get my hopes up.