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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

WTH?

So I got about 7 hours of sleep last night -- certainly not bad for working the EMEA shift -- but today I feel as drained as if I got 2.  That might have been the reason for my mood this morning, but man I'm just now starting to climb out of a 4-hour deep depression.  I had a conference call first thing in the morning, like I knew I would, but then the depression just took me.  No joke, I played Frightened Rabbit's "Poke" on repeat for about an hour and I'm STILL listening to the rest of the album now.  WTH?!?  Earlier I had a sudden wave of neediness for human interaction, for company.  I still feel like leaving right now, driving straight over to Deanna's place and climbing into bed next to her and Naomi, in that dark, quiet room where the curtains blot out the sunlight so well.

I have no idea why I feel like this right now.  I've been eating responsibly this week, working out, getting all my work done at my job...  What gives?  I have a feeling this is a continuation of Monday's post; I think I feel some major guilt for falling back into the negative parts of life so easily.  I do want to give up drinking and smoking -- at least to the degree that I've partaken in lately -- and I'm sure that will make me feel better.  But I mean geeze I haven't felt this depressed in a long time.

Ugh I have so much more to elaborate on but my lunch is over now.  I have to get back to work.  Bleh...

Monday, June 21, 2010

Okie Dokie

So it has been forever since my last post and, thankfully, I have a valid excuse: Life.  Ok ok, too general you say? Work and life.  And volleyball.  And finding me time.  And learning to adjust.  (That last one I think is coming to me ever so clearly, day by day.)  A lot has happened in the past 2 months (wow I can't believe that's all it's been), and I'm not going to sum it up here, but I will touch on the most recent events.

Lately I've been hanging out with Sarah and Deanna almost every weekend and I'm beginning to realize how easily I am influenced, even to this day.  I've picked up smoking again, I've been drinking pretty much every weekend, and I bring my pipe along just to add to the ambiance (I'm guessing).  So Deanna, Sarah and I had another concert to go to last Thursday and I had a blast, like usual.  (Side note: To Dave from Every Avenue: Turn up your freakin' mic, dude.  That's the second time you've performed with the mic volume low and it makes it hard to enjoy the event.)  Anyway, the next day I headed over to Deborah's to spend the weekend with her and her friend, Sarah, while Amanda was out of town.  It turned out to be a witty, enriching and deeply relaxing weekend that I would be smart not to turn down in the future.  I was delighted to find Deborah in a low-guarded state, which raised my comfort level pretty much to the max (I farted a few times before realizing I wasn't at home haha).  Although I haven't gotten very many opportunities to sit down and actually pick Sarah's brain, I was still able to get a feel for her.  As expected, she turned out to be exactly the person I thought she'd be: laid back, intelligent and kind.  She gives herself, all of herself, quite willingly to those who she loves, and this seems to backfire when the recipient is aware of this and willing to take advantage of this trait.  However, Sarah seems quite aware of this and seems to roll with the punches.

These are the types of people I should surround myself with, and as of right now I'm comparing them to Deanna's and Sarah's company.  Now, I can't go any further without making this clear: I have no intention on severing ties with anyone, including family, and this thought never crossed my mind.  The fight Deanna and I got into a year or two ago showed me that this type of thinking will definitely do me in.  But, evaluating the types of company they both offer, I have come to the main realization of this post: I'm too freakin' easily influenced.  I've known this all my life and didn't think it was such a problem until recently.  Specifically, until I started gaining weight, smoking cigarettes and weed again, and drinking again -- all on a regular weekend basis now.  My next sentence just now was going to be, 'Now these are all fine on an infrequent basis...' but even that doesn't sound right.  If I open myself to the possibility of these habits, they tend to slowly creep back into my life until eventually one day I'm sitting with a cigarette in one hand, a mixed drink in the other, exhaling a drag from my pipe and looking at you like, What?  It's not just Sarah and Deborah that have made me question my logic this weekend, but also the documentary we watched which showed numerous testimonials of gay people telling their coming out stories, all while having or keeping their Christian faith.  These kids were obviously all affected by this trauma on one level or another, but at least they had their purity, their faith.  Just because I make it to church on a frequent basis, tithe and strive to be a better person, doesn't mean I'm a pure person.  I still partake in the -- what's the word Deborah used, destructive? -- activities that directly contradict my purpose as a faithful servant to God, and that just doesn't seem to fit.  I will surely need to choose, some day, which means more to me.  It's an obvious choice, but not an easy one.  (Insert old nothing good comes easy adage here.)

I was quickly summarizing this to Mom this weekend at the Father's Day dinner when I got that same feeling I got when talking to Deanna about my work woes: Something is eventually going to give, and soon.  I at least do know myself well enough to realize that when I start talking about my problems, they eventually balloon until, out of grief or heartache or guilt or what have you, I make a conscious effort to change.  Thankfully, these changes normally stick; hence, I am a better person for it.  But will giving up smoking (AGAIN) and frequent alcohol intake be as quick/painless as my other problems?  I don't mean to take away from the magnitude of anything else I've gone through in life, but these habits have formed into solid addictions that will leave a hole in my life where they used to be.  I've given up smoking for a lengthy period before so I know the hole practically becomes unnoticeable, but can I keep this up when even around the wrong crowd?  What's more, will I eventually not want to hang around the "wrong crowd"?  Nah, I think I like them just as much as I like the "right crowd".

I see now that if I'm a stronger person, I'd actually be able to enjoy these things on a not-so-often basis and still feel clean.  Or perhaps, I won't need to use them at all and keep my sanity free from guilt all the while?  Either way, I'm glad I'm able to flesh my methods of madness out again over words without actually having to burden anyone with them.  I missed blogging and now I realize that this is very healthy for me.

Thanks bloggy.  You're the "right crowd."   :)