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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Bleh

It's getting harder and harder to leave the company of my sisters. I fear becoming co-dependent (again) but it feels so good to be around family and laugh. I shouldn't feel reserved when I'm enjoying myself and others.

But anyway, had a fun time with the fam at Ryan's housewarming party last night. I've got to get back to a good routine, though. I stopped tithing a few weeks ago, I've been eating like crazy, I've lost a sense of a real sleeping schedule and I'm just all around in a slacked state. Ugh plus I'm supposed to be seen in a bathing suit next week and the week after. So there's some great motivation right there! Anyway, I'm sandwiched between Deanna and Bobi again and plan on getting some good sleep. Goodnight and love you!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

God Taught Me

God had a lot to teach me in these past seven days. A lot.

We actually don't live forever.

Don't keep an outdated version of someone in your mind.

Let it out. Whatever it is.

The mind can, in fact, be completely clear of any real thoughts, even if only short-lived.

Love. All the time. Just love.

This world can contain a whole lot of sadness sometimes. More often than not, people are not only afraid to show emotion, but to experience it too.

People, who you'd swear could be your twin, can reside in the same city as you. And even like hanging out with you. You can find peace, happiness and sadness all at the same time and all in the same place.

Family means so, so much, even if you don't like them.

Keep in contact.

People can be comforted by the smallest thing when their mind needs it.

Some have the capicity to see things so narrowly when it's least suited.

Great things can come from even the saddest of situations.

I really loved you, Robby.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Reset

I am so tired.  I don't have any rhyme or reason to this post, but I know I have to write something.  I can't cry anymore.  Well at least for tonight.  Ryan, Rene, Sarah, Stephen and I all got together at Deanna's apartment tonight to try and...well I don't even know what we were trying to do.  I know we sure weren't there for each other's company because we pretty much showed how adults can do parallel play just like children do.

Deanna...she was just so unapproachable after coming back from Grandma's.  She ignored me most of the time when I tried to get the details about her and Sarah's visit to Grandma tonight, and the small bit she told me about Danny was just...sad.  He took it hard, from what I hear.

Sarah seemed like she was trying to make the best of a situation, and she was doing it well.  Although I didn't see it, Bobi believes that Stephen took it hard.  She said he looked bad, and considering that he had to play April's rock all last week from the death of her uncle, and now deal with this new, closer version of death today, I'd say he's entitled to look exactly like he feels.

Bobi has been great through all this.  She kept Naomi busy while we met with the family today at Tia Cindy's and Dave's house in the afternoon.

Grandma just cried every time someone new arrived at the house; it was exactly how I would imagine a grandmother would react to the death of one of her grandchildren.

Grandpa seemed hurt, but otherwise his usual self.  He snapped at Deanna, Sarah, Ryan, Rene and I while we were huddled in a circle behind him reminiscing about favorite memories with Robby.  Guess we were laughing too loud.

Brenda and Janice were both great to see.  Janice tended to everyone's needs when they needed a chair or a drink or some food.  And Brenda was, of course, great support.

I'm glad I missed Tia Cindy's bad moment in the house earlier.  She was collecting herself when I walked in, but her after-sobs were still hard to hear.

Tio Charlie, Ryan and Rene all met Tio Charlie at his car when he arrived, and they hugged for minutes.  I can only imagine what he was saying to them, but I'm sure he was just so happy to have two of his sons still in his arms at that moment.

My dad...God I was glad to see my dad and cry in his arms.  I know he was feeling all kinds of blessed just to have his children there to be...his children, still.  Mom and Jerry arrived shortly toward the end as well.  I'm glad she was so well received.

Rene and Ryan seemed to take it well, mostly.  A little too well, actually.  When we were all at Deanna's earlier, watching the movie, Rene finally stepped outside, and Ryan followed him after some time.  Deanna saw them talking under the car ports in the parking lot.  I can literally only imagine what was to be said or felt by them during that time.

Look at me, still in work mode, as if I need to take meeting notes of our family gathering today.

Obviously, what encroaches on my thoughts since even before Robby died, is not attempting to include Robert, Rene and Ryan in family events like Grandpa asked.  I literally have no excuse, other than pure laziness.  I had all their numbers; I could've called or at least text messaged them.  Now I wonder if that will eat at me.  I feel somewhat justified, knowing that Deanna called them before Naomi's birthday party, and knowing that they all three got one last weekend at the Lake House with Grandpa and Brenda before Robby passed.

I guess that's what I'll have to settle on to get to sleep tonight.

This event, this momentous act, has reset my life.  All in one fell swoop.  When Janice called me 5 minutes into my lunch and said solemnly, "I have some bad news..."  I never thought she could say anything worse than perhaps maybe a pet died or maybe a family member was in the hospital for some totally treatable ailment.  I mean those are sad things but everyone lives through those scenarios so it's usually a happy ending.

But then she said my cousin, Robby, passed away.

What?


Never would have guessed that.

She asked me to tell Deanna, so I drove to her work and very awkwardly broke the news to her.  I hate to see Deanna cry; it's one of the few images in my head that can make me cry just by thinking it.  She and I are so close but I feel worlds apart from her right now.  I'm very surprised at how distant she's keeping me, and I'm a little hurt too since I really need her right now.  But I have to respect that everyone grieves differently.  In fact, I think I saw all the different types of grievances today alone.

Why didn't I just call him?  I can't say whether or not that question will tear me up as bad as it has the potential to, but I'm sure it will always remain unanswered now.

Life has been reset for me.  Deanna must've stolen the thoughts from my head, because her words to Sarah and I in the car today made absolute, piercing sense.  She simply stated that even though this is a catastrophic event that has been befallen us today, she hasn't felt this clear-headed in a long time.  And Sarah, who said that everything seemed to stop today...

I couldn't agree more.  With both of them.

I wished I had something more profound, more learned to gain from this blog post, but to be honest, I'm very, very lonely right now, and this blog is all I have tonight.

There's so much going through my head right now, but most notably is the adage seize the day.  I think this will help me get into perspective.

I have to make a slideshow of all Robby's pics tomorrow, and I know it's not going to be easy -- artistically or emotionally.  I have a few hours of sleep to look forward to and I have to work out tomorrow.  I don't know how I'm going to do it all.

God, friends, family...be with me now.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Prelude

My cousin, Robby, died today. Sooooo much to write about right now. Add the past two and a half hours of death breath to the last few weeks of mental blog drafts and I've got a potential Pulitzer on my hands. Ok maybe a bestseller.

Anyway we're off to see the family. More thoughts to come...