Nico, Beth. If you two hadn't come along in my journey to this strange new west coast land, I might've contemplated packing up and leaving in the foreseeable future.
People ask me how I'm doing here or if I miss my family back in Texas. Every time I reply I feel like I'm fibbing a bit and trying to convince myself that this wasn't a stupid move and that I'm here for a reason. And that reason, I have finally learned, is last weekend.
I'm a Christian man, I used to go to church religiously (haha) and tithe even though it kinda stung for how much I gave away every month. But I was a good, clean, pure person. And I felt like it. Truly madly deeply. As will all things, though, this came to an end. My cousin, Stephen, and his girlfriend, April, started inviting me to bottomless mimosas at some oh so bohemian cafe on St. Mary's and soon I couldn't wait to wake up on Sundays, praise for an hour at charge and then head to the cafe to get drunk and smoke cigarettes for the rest of the day.
I am not proud of any of this. Anyone reading this knows that these two lifestyles don't mix. But after moving half a country away from my easy, predictable life, my beloved family what I thought were my negative influences I can now seen that I won't get away from my party lifestyle. Yes, I can deny the urge, but for how long? And does the act of denial feel as good as scratching the old itch?
Yes and no. I mean it does feel great but...well yes it did feel great. So that's my dilemma. I mean I love God and although I haven't been going to church or tithing since I moved to California I still say my prayers, refrain from cussing and try to portray myself as a dependable, loving upstanding kinda guy. Who loves to party. All weekend.
What I'm about to say may sound pretty bad, but it's the truth. The weekend I just spent at Lakehead with Nico and Beth is one of the best weekends I've ever had in my life. The lake house was great, the group of people were fantastic and there was much fun to be had. We drank non-stop from the moment we arrived to the moment we left (literally), I smoked cigarettes all weekend and even smoked some weed. I fell in love with that weekend. And I have not felt that passionate about anything since I moved away. Nico and Beth brought such a refreshing rush of familiarity to me that I am now no longer scared to answer the "Hey how's California?" question. I feel like my family is now with me here in California even though I know that's not true and sounds stupid. I don't really know how to describe it any other way but I do know that I want to hang out with all of them again. Soon. I just feel so comfortable and happy in a party scene and I'm not going to deny it any more.
I used to suppress it a lot in San Antonio and want to hang out with the church crowd because they seemed so honest, so balanced and just so...pure! I may still do that and heck this may even get me to go to church more and start tithing to offset the party life. But I know now that no one, neither here nor in Texas, influences me to indulge in the extreme parts of life except for myself.
So now God and I have to talk about this. Is this something I can do on a semi-frequent basis without feeling shameful? Can I still feel like a good, honest person and smile a real smile knowing that I praise God on Sundays and party on others? Right now I feel like I can, especially after feeling so happy this past weekend. But that's exactly why I wrote this post -- to reflect.
No posts in five months and then suddenly this. It's gotta mean somethin'.
Alright well it's past midnight, I'm dead tired and I broke my space bar on my crappy wireless keyboard just now out of and it's super annoying to type so goodnight.