Better

I'm glad I got some time to blog before Michael's birthday party tonight.  I totally slacked on pretty much everything for the party but I somehow got nearly everything knocked out in time.  I really regret not finding those fingerless skeleton gloves but oh well at least the glow-in-the-dark hoodie + skeleton fee = good enough.

But yeah I was out and about today and couldn't find out what mood I was in.  I know I should be listening to more Motion City Soundtrack, This Providence and Set Your Goals (couldn't really get into The Swellers) in preparation for next week's concert, but I wasn't sure if I was in a rock-y sort of mood or not.  So my fingers eventually meandered themselves over to Matt Nathanson's Some Mad Hope album.  I realize something is going on with me because depression has been pulling super hard at me lately and I've been giving in, but I knew I couldn't get completely lost in it today since I had a party to go to.  Well, Some Mad Hope did a good job of giving me my solidarity but still providing enough momentum to make me smile on the inside today.  The reason why I say there's something going on with me is because I used to listen to this album and feel wrapped in love, imagining how life would be once I met the man I'm supposed to end up with.  My mind wanted to recount that today while being lulled by the album, but the depression wanted to keep reminding me to just be sad -- you're not through it yet.  That's true, I may not be through it, but I can tell my mind wants to be happy.

So what am I sad about right now?  This is one of those moments where I'm glad nobody knows what I'm about to say...

My apartment is a mess.  I know, I know, totally stupid reason to be sad.  But hey, when you're held by depression's grip like I've been lately, anything becomes a good reason to be sad.

Kinda sad and jealous that I'm losing my closeness with Sarah.  I absolutely hate the fact that Sarah can't take confrontation.  She makes up a large portion of what ails me, and the fact that I can't just go to her and let this all out makes me feel cancerous inside.  It's been since last summer since she gave me the silent treatment for a week and eventually apologized, but I never got to say my piece about it, so it's all still bottled up for me.  Plus, I don't like the person she's becoming.  She idolizes women who speak their mind -- great, I'm totally all for strong females -- but I don't think she realizes that we, as humans, have to filter our mouths for society's sake.  Funny thing is, she's nothing like the women she looks up to.  She doesn't know how to talk to me or to others and she runs away at the first sight of trouble.  She is becoming really close to her friend and colleague, Lauryn, and that's perfectly fine, but what kind of person is Lauryn?  Is she a good influence on Sarah or does she enable her?  I have no idea.  The one time I met her, she seemed great.  Also, Sarah is absolutely horrible when it comes to money.  She finally payed me back for my concert ticket that she sold last year, but I had to ask her to do that.  She never offered to help with the drive to Austin when we went to see Cartel, and I purposely waited to gas up until she was in the car, signaling Hey, you can offer your half of the gas any minute now.  But yeah she totally ignored it.  Perhaps my fault for not mentioning it, but in the end I don't think I should have to tell another adult when they need to pull their own weight, so to speak.  I'm not even gonna go into how she still owes Deanna beer money.

But about the jealousy thing, I'm kinda jealous to see Sarah and Lauryn so buddied up on Facebook, but then I have to tell myself that I'm purposely distancing myself from a potentially negative force, no matter how fun that force may be (and man Sarah sure is a hoot when we do get together).

I'm utterly very frustrated at Deanna's hopelessness.  Deanna talks to me about her problems (well she used to until recently), I give her advice, she listens, she tries to implement said advice in future situations.  That's great.  Wonderful.  That's how she used to act and I really, really appreciated it.  Now, she's seeing Oscar again and is just showing her absolute vulnerability to the world right now, practically begging everyone to kick her while she's down.  And then she calls into work when she's all sad about her and Oscar.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  Has she no concern for how this looks on her as a professional?  Dude, we ALL experience horrible, undeserved events in our lives, but seriously pick yourself up, do your job and cry when you get home.

Ugh I hate how I feel like I should be saying this to myself.  Guess that's the point of this, right?

As far as Naomi, Deanna has finally admitted to me that she never wanted a kid and still, do this day, resents being tied down by a child.  That sucks, and I'm sad for both Deanna and Naomi when I hear that.  But hey, Deanna knew what she was doing when she got pregnant.  Yes, she was on birth control pills when she actually got pregnant, but the best birth control is abstinence.  (Easy for me to say, right?  I can't have any kids with or without condoms.)  But that leads me to my next point: I want Naomi.  I know Deanna will never give her up since the guilt alone would probably cause her to commit suicide, but it sure is in Naomi's best interest.  I spent a night making Naomi dinner, doing her homework and putting her to bed.  I freakin' loved every second of it (yeah I was high while doing it so it probably helped my enjoyment but hey I wasn't expecting Deanna to leave me with the baby all night).  But yeah, I want a kid.  Never thought I'd say that, but it's true.  Maybe not right now, but I love Naomi to pieces and even though she's a little shit, I'd love acting as her parent.  But yes I hear you, that was just one night.  True, it was just one nice evening of Naominess, but that's probably why I said "Maybe not right now."

Joseph.  Ugh.  I really, really dislike him.  I never loved him and in fact I got very near hating him toward the end of our relationship, but that shouldn't take away 1) what I learned from being with him, and 2) the true intentions he has as a person.  He owes me a lot of money.  If I added the true amount it'd be pretty close to $1600, but I'm only asking for the recent overages he caused on the phone bill, which came out to right around $400.  He hasn't payed me back and I don't know if he ever will (he promised at the beginning of January he would), but that really bothers me in many ways.  First, I really am down that amount of money.  It's not like Oh well too bad he didn't pay me, I'll just continue on this little shopping spree now...  I really planned on using that money and now it's gone.  Second, I don't know how he lives with himself knowing how bad of a predicament he placed me in.  Yes, I know, I allowed it to happen, but now I've learned my lesson.  Needless to say, I removed him from Facebook and MySpace.  Ooooh you really showed him!  I know, totally heartless, right?  I'm not someone who normally severs ties with anyone, so I consider that a big deal.  I didn't remove him from my actual phone book since I may need his number later and I don't want to have to bother anyone else to get it.

My anger and judgmental side.  This really bothers me.  I have been extremely angry and judgmental lately and I don't know why.  Well ok it probably has to do with the above, work stress, the fact that I quit smoking and eating unhealthily, but I mean man I am REALLY not taking things well lately.  I broke my little blue and pink ball that I got from Dave & Buster's so long ago.  Everybody loved that thing.  Now it's in pieces.   :(   (I threw it against the floor since I was pissed at my phone and I was really not expecting it to shatter the way it did.  Especially on carpet!)  But see what I mean?  Who is that guy?!  I'm never a physically violent person!  Well ok I also broke my phone holder last summer but come on that was like so long ago.

Alright I'm getting tired of complaining.  I'll probably put the rest of my current woes later if I'm still feeling dpressed.  What I really want to say the most is, I need time to myself on a beach.  Soon.  Never thought I'd say this, but summer, where are you?  I reeeeaaallly wished I could've spent some time at Restitution today. I got one 10-minute introduction to that spot a week ago but my phone died quickly so I had to go back home.  I'm glad I finally have a place here in San Antonio where I can go and think and get an interesting view at the same time.  I'm worried about thugs showing up, especially if I decide to smoke before-hand (paranoia, anyone?), but as long as I don't show them any attention I should be fine.

So tonight, like I said in the beginning of this loooooong post, is Michael's birthday party.  I enjoy his friendship but I might have to cut it off soon (already!) if he doesn't learn how to just be friends with me.  Don't get me wrong, I think he's kinda cute and I'd probably enjoy sleeping with him, but it's much more important to try and keep a good gay male friendship since I have none.  I just get along with him so well!  But anyway yeah I might cut out early to go to Chris' party but we'll see.  If I get drunk enough I probably won't feel like leaving.

Man I feel like there's so much more to say and I'm really glad I'm getting to say it all now.  OH this morning or actually I think it was yesterday I had a faint realization that I might not keep up with this blog (whoda thunk?!).  I'm starting to feel better and I'm thinking I might not keep up with it when I'm in a good mood, but we'll see.   :)