A Little Selfish

Vegas trip's over. We've driven 10 hours to New Mexico and are now staying with Jerry's parents until we shove off at 8:00 PM tonight. Looking back at the last 7 days now I realize that, among other things, the two times I actually blogged on my vacation, I was drunk. :/ I need to be more real about this. My drunk mind has it right: when you're in the moment and get a chance to see the world not fixated on you, blog. I do and that's great, but I need to do it more than just those times, especially since I don't drink that much anymore.

But what's more on my mind is how my attitude has been for almost the entire length of the trip. I look back and although I wasn't a jerk or anything, I certainly wasn't enthusiastic Mr. Happy. Now I do have to admit that I was skippy when I first arrived and Danny, Deanna, Yu Jin and I did have a blast on the strip Monday night. Plus I did get sick for the majority of the trip, which dampened my spirit. So huh, maybe I am just being hard on myself? What I do know is I didn't get to do MANY of the things I wanted to this time, and I wasn't very helpful to Yu Jin with the baby or the house, but as long as I believe that next time will be much better, I'll be able to keep from getting upset. I'm really happy Deanna had a great time on the strip. And Yu Jin was a lot more likeable this go 'round, so that's good too.

Man I am really enjoying having my headphones in, listening to Angels and Airwaves, sitting in the desert, in front of a mountain, blogging. :o)

I got onto Mom last night because I'm finding it more and more difficult to take her sensitiveness, constant down-talk to Jerry, under-breath comments, and general negativity. It's not just this trip that might send me over the edge with her; lately I've discovered that Deanna has become as fed up with Mom as myself and has even snapped at Mom on this trip as well. The more I talk to Deanna about it, the more I feel the situation gets to its boiling point. But here's my dilemma: I tend to have a lot of patience with most situations, so it takes having to get to my breaking point before I'm ready to confront it. I usually wait for this threshold to be met because it gives me a feeling of righteousness while I lay down my speech. The flip side to this, however, is if I wait for said moment, I'll most likely erupt on Mom, and I think we all know how badly she'll take that.

Once again, I must comment on how appealing this moment is. With the earth, my music, my thoughts...

Thanks God. ;)

Anyway, I don't believe I'm reflecting enough from these blogs. It feels seriously therapeutic to be able to release these feelings, and I think for that effect, it's working as it should. But am I growing from all this? Now that I ask myself, yes...yes I think I am. Just at a slow rate hahaha. Obviously, I have to hear myself when I write these things, so there's a bit of self-realization right there, but perhaps I should go read my entries thus far, get a good idea of who I am to the public eye. But not tomorrow. I have TV shows to catch up on. :)