Returning To Normal

I'm back at work today.  Waking up this morning was hell.  I set my alarm an hour early so I could get to work and catch up on emails, but I eventually snoozed it all the way to my normal wake up time.  Well ok I would have snoozed it all the way if Mom didn't call me first to wake me up.  She thought she found the charger for my bluetooth receiver but it ended up just being Deanna's charger.

As I got ready this morning I started going through the normal wake-up-and-get-ready motions (skip the shave) and was surprised how easily I picked everything back up.  Warming up the car, I realized I didn't need to go back upstairs for anything, which is a rarity.  At work, I managed to wade through the flood of emails (almost 400, to be exact) in an hour's time and start my normal Duty Agent queue checks just about on schedule.  I was relieved to find that the whole notification debacle that left me in such a dire mood the previous Friday actually ironed itself out.  The day thus far has gone smoothly and now it's lunch time.  I should be checking Twitter and Facebook, like usual, but I just have to blog this...feeling...I have right now.  Like I said, I got ready this morning and even started working today as if I hadn't skipped a beat, but I'm now realizing how removed I feel from all this.  I really must've unwound while away, 'cause even though these "motions" fit like usual now, they still feel foreign at the same time.  With these fresh eyes I have a chance to stop and look at my career right now and I'm a little hesitant about it.  Throughout the day today I've recognized a few key moments that normally trigger an increase in my stress levels; I'm sure these will start to grate my nerves again within the next day or two, but as for today I get to step back and see exactly what's causing it all.  Duty Agent responsibility, getting a call in the middle of doing something else, windows not opening when I click them (a frequent occurrence), hearing Rob's bitching, hearing my boss' bitching, working with lackluster subordinates -- all of this winds me up sometimes and sends me into I-need-a-vacation mode on a monthly basis.  And now I'm thinking, Is this where I'm supposed to be?  Is my career self on track?  I think I'm already aware that the answer to that is a hearty NO.  I don't feel like the supervisor position I'll be taking on is something my heart desires, and that's not good.  My passion for technology should be leading my career self; instead, my love for salary is.  I want to learn to code and develop.  I want to work for Google or freelance, but I lack the motivation or experience.

I should work on that.  Soon.

Something else significant I've stumbled across today: I really can make any day feel like a vacation.  I got some superb relaxation time from my vacation, and some profound think/blog time later in New Mexico.  What's funny is I felt the same level of happy last week that I feel when I'm being just as lazy with friends on a Sunday afternoon at home, or when I get time to think and blog clearly on any given day.  I was expecting to have achieved this heightened level of enjoyment or bliss while on vacation, but it turns out I can make myself feel just as happy or blissful right here at home when the timing's right.  That means that this is it.  There's no special level of enlightenment I have yet to achieve; no goal of adulthood I haven't crossed yet.  I'm already living life, even though I act now like I'm still preparing for it.

So why am I not getting that revelation-type feeling?  Who knows, maybe I already knew this...?