So Much Is Changing

I guess that adage is true: Be careful what you wish for. I have disliked my coworkers' poor workmanship for the most part, but I wasn't expecting this. I mean did the employees have to lose their status too?? They were golden! And now they're so easily expendable! And what's worse is I'M singled out in all this! If I didn't have a trust problem with the guys before, then I sure do now!

Wow what a day...

So I guess the good news is I'm officially (read: finally) supervisor now, and when I think of it, it makes me smile. But why couldn't Sherrika just give me Exempt status like most other employees? When I asked her how it would work with me working overtime, she pretty much told me to work for free. Hey I don't mind working late without getting overtime pay, but for free?? That rubs me the wrong way. :(

Anyway, I'm continuing this entry from last Wednesday (since I was interrupted) and much has gone on since my last official post. I've blogged numerous times in my head, but obviously that doesn't count. The main thing weighing me down right now is my horrid mistake last Friday night. I broke. I tried to come across as a wise, stable, learned soul to Kevin and instead I end up giving into temptation and proving to be just as superficial as everyone else on this planet. Hm, I just realized how OK that sounds; if everyone else is like that, why should I be so mad that I'm the same? Well either way, I knew better and I didn't do anything to stop it while it was happening. I could have, but I didn't. The fact that he was a virgin should have been warning enough, but of course I was too hungry to care. And to top it all off: IT SUCKED. BAD!! He was inexperienced (of course), a little gross to see naked, his wanger was...pointy...he had fur everywhere, he talked way too damn much, and I effin' came almost immediately after entering him. Hahahaha that all sounds so freakin pathetic. Gotta laugh to keep from crying.

Man I'm so stupid.

What I thought was head-and-shoulders above any other guy interested in me was the fact that he came over last night to talk about it face to face. Bravo, kid. I thought I was the only one who cared to do that. He pleaded that we stay friends and even had the balls to call me a coward for trying to push him away after what happened. I say it again: Bra-freakin-vo. As of right now I don't really see a friendship sprouting between him and I and I don't quite trust that he's ended his feelings for me, but I told him to give me some space and let me contact him on my own time. He wasn't thrilled at that offer but accepted it anyway (did he really have a choice?). To be honest, I'm not exactly counting down the days until I'm over this (on the contrary, I think I need to mourn the recent passing of my wisdom for a good while), but I am interested to see the person Kevin becomes.

So now comes the really bad news: Mom called me today and let me know that Grammer has colon cancer. And I still don't think it has hit me. Because I am a selfish person whose main concern is my own well being. And I'm glad no one's around to try and deflect that comment or convince me that it isn't true...because it is true. I've been that way all my life and I'm not sure any amount of growing will change that. See? I even managed to turn Grammer's story into my own pity party! But the fact is, I need to spend more time with her. God knows what's going through her head right now. And I don't know why Mom wants us to pretend like we don't know. I'm sure more than anything Grammer just wants love from her family right now. Maybe I should just call her.

One thing that has been rattling around in my head for a day or two now is this: I'm going through a lot right now -- maybe more than I ever have at any given time in my life -- but I don't think I've ever felt so alive. I'm being pulled simultaneously in several different directions and there certainly aren't enough hours in the day anymore, but I think it was the book of Matthew (don't quote me on that) who said you're not living life unless you're weathering the storm. Well this storm might as well be a monsoon, 'cause I'm in for a while.