But wait -- first things first. As I was typing my blog post last night, I kept thinking about how selfish I wanted to be and how I just wanted Adam in my bed so I could wrap my arms (that he loves so much) around him and smile contently, even if this is not at all what he wanted for the night. And as luck would have it, literally seconds after I publish that blog post, Adam sends me a text and asks if I'm still awake. All schoolgirl giddy-like, I immediately respond, "Yes."
"May I come over"
"Yes." (Translation: "YESSS!")
"My keys are at your place so i can't sneak in"
At this point I am so fragile and excitable that I start to think that he simply wants to come and grab his keys so that he can go back to his own apartment. I mean he did tell me himself that he'd be staying at his place for "personal time", even though I asked him if he was coming over (knowing already that he wanted to sleep in his own bed). So in a sense, I was pulling for him. I wanted to respect his own time, but I just couldn't bear to sleep alone and not talk about everything that transpired the past 24 hours.
In a risky sentence, I give him what I think he wants, and I offer to bring his keys down to him.
"I want you to buzzz me in"
:: squeal! :: He wants to come in! Whether or not it's to yell at me, or grab more of his belongings before leaving, or give me the kisses I'm clamoring for!
"Of course," I tell him.
He then tells me that he's tired, simultaneously signaling to me that:
- he doesn't want to argue or even talk about last night.
- he doesn't want to have sex.
- he wants to sleep in my bed.
Huzzah! As long as 3 pans out, I'm all for it!
He lets me know that he's in a cab on the way to my apartment. I fix him a glass of water and then fumble over what music I should play, if any. I decide to settle on no music at all. He calls me from the gate dialer downstairs and without even asking who it is, I buzz him in. Minutes later he finally comes through my door but I keep myself from immediately swiveling around in my computer chair, giving away my obvious desperation.
And then hear an excitable, "Baby!"
And it's him, looking sexy as he always does in his black H&M jacket, removing his headphones and shoes before he passes through the entrance way.
I finally turn in my chair but keep myself from getting up to hug him. So far he has the upper ground and I don't want to do anything to encroach upon his "personal space" any further. Grinning, he tells me, "You can't touch me until you put on 'Latch'." Apparently he was listening to a mix in the cab over to my place and 'Latch' put him in an immediate club mood.
I happily oblige and have the song (and as many different mixes of it as I could find) queued and playing in seconds. He barks at me to turn it up and I play it as loud I think he needs it. He starts dancing his usual dance moves (sexy, but limited) and tells me I still can't touch him. This is the part where I make a lame joke about him being MC Hammer. Finally, as the chorus busts through the speakers, Adam wheels my chair closer to him and he starts dancing more.
Immediate boner.
And then finally the kiss! Ah, serenity. But apparently I still can't touch him.
As the song continues he eventually settles down and tells me that "this song reminds me of us, baby!"
Oh man, I am so happy right now. Not only is he actually in front me, but he's smiling, he's dancing in front of me, he's kissing me, and he's telling me how a song about latching onto someone reminds him of us.
Why doesn't he ever say these things to me beforehand?! But no matter, it is still a delightful surprise to hear him exclaim. And as the song dies down, I stand up, hovering over him, and kiss him several times. Apparently, he can't get enough of this and keeps asking me for more. And the kisses get more and more passionate.
Thank you, thank you, thank you God. This is all I wanted. :)
As the night progresses, different variations of 'Latch' play and we caress each other, have a few sips of beer, share a cigarette, and then finally settle down into bed. I thought he was going to sleep in his clothes (ugh -- a sure sign of inebriation), but he quickly removes all lower clothing. I am so happy that I get to sleep almost entirely naked next to my baby tonight. :D
We cuddle each other. A lot. We watch a bit of Netflix, and then he falls asleep. It is about three hours now until I have to be awake for work, but I cannot for the life of me fall asleep. I'm still not sure what kept me up -- Adam's snoring, the fact that I napped earlier, or the completely possible notion that I tend to have wars in my head that keep me wide awake when Adam and I are at odds. It is most likely the latter since even though I am cuddling the man that I love, and I'm grinning uncontrollably over this sleeping man, I still know that I am a person of resolution and we would eventually have to talk about everything that transpired the night before.
Finally, about an hour before I have to be up, I succumb to sleep. I groggily snooze my alarm much later than I wanted (guess I'm skipping the shave today) and get ready for work. Knowing that Adam does not like the constant rude awakening of both my alarm and then my subsequent good morning/goodbye kisses, I lightly press my lips against his temple and make my way out the door. On the walk to work, in my headphones I start to play my melancholy "Mellow Mellow" mix, partly because I'm not awake enough to hear anything more upbeat, but also because I knew that the last few hours were only a band-aid over what I considered to be the start of a festering wound. I needed some comfort music for the time being.
Now, fast forward to work. I'm immediately swamped with what I left to do from last Friday, and barely awake enough to speak coherently. Somehow I make it through the morning and even actually find the energy to make it to the gym for my usual lunch time routine.
This was one of the best decisions I've made in recent memory.
After the gym, my energy levels are soaring, but my mind is of course still on Adam. And us. And the wonderful and helpful conversation I had with my mom the previous day. And then my blog post right afterward.
And then it just clicked.
Jesse, why have you spent the last few months depending on one human being to determine your happiness? When you were single, music made your heart smile, friends made you laugh, video games excited you, and the world was just ripe for the picking. Why, now, do you halt all of those wonderful muses and hold your breath for someone? Someone who also enjoys those things, but also knows how to love you separately?
And that was it. I don't need to rest all of my feelings on Adam. What a pressure of a thing to do! No wonder he needs his space! I can be happy doing all the things I did before, living my life, and then making love to my beautiful man when he is here in front of me! It sounds so elementary, but sometimes I can ignore the obvious that easily!
So here I am. I literally cocooned, at work, in a matter of hours, and have come out the victor. I love Adam. Like crazy. But I don't have to sit at home alone, counting the seconds until he arrives, hoping work hasn't been a stress on him and broken his mood, and then feeling gloomy just because he does.
Gosh, what a doofus I've been acting! But I can't say that it was for no real reason. I have known that the one time before Adam I actually felt something for someone, I immediately sacrificed everything about myself to make sure they were happy. That is an admirable trait for a lover to offer, but it clearly is not a healthy one. Adam now no longer has to shoulder both of our emotions. If he is out having fun with friends (and let's me know his agenda), I don't have to pause my life and wait for his return. I have that time to pick up that game I've been neglecting, finish those essays I've needed to write, or actually discover new music again.
Man I love this! I feel so separate but so together now! Like we mesh even better! YAAY! :D
So yes, this may seem like a silly post and realization, but it's mine and I am lit up about it. I can't wait to start this new chapter of my life, with Adam and me, rather than with Adamme, a Frankensteined version of what I thought love had to be.
Thanks again Mom and blog! I love learning through you!
Love,
Jesse
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