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Monday, July 21, 2014

Here Goes

Alright so this may be a mistake, but here goes...

I started this blog some years ago to get my words out, but what I didn't realize was how therapeutic it would be, rather than narcissistic.  Reading over my past blogs over the years has shown that, deep down, I really do trust my own instincts.  I've been completely honest about everything I've written, and because of this, I've helped myself come to terms with ideas that I wasn't previously ready to believe.  I stopped blogging over the past two years because it helped me so much that I didn't feel I needed to do it anymore.

And now enter the relationship.  Since I started this blog, I haven't been in a relationship.  For the past five and a half months now, I have been dating Adam.  As evidenced in my previous post, I fell in love with him.  I fell into a kind of love that I never knew, expected, or even thought I wanted.  Honestly, up until Adam, I was 100% content with dying a single, free man.  I thought I had everything I already needed: a great job, a loving and lovable family, and a close circle of friends that made me happy.  But to be honest, the true reason I didn't want a relationship was because I knew I had deep-seeded demons that I was good at ignoring, and would eventually be forced to face.  Of course since meeting Adam, those demons did eventually surface, and I have down a pretty good job of besting them.  Through Adam, and through my own perseverance, too, he has helped me blast through my walls of uncertainty, of superficiality, and even of envy.  Yes, for whatever reason, I envied my own boyfriend.  I envied how much funnier he was than me, how some people seemed to like him more than me, how undeniably perceptive he is, how unbelievably sexy he looked in my own underwear, and the way he knew how to be himself, even if other people didn't like it.  I've faced those issues -- and more -- because I am a survivor and wouldn't dare let anything defeat me.

But now, other issues have surfaced, and I think that these aren't ones that I can defeat.

Let me clarify -- I think that these issues aren't ones that should be defeated.

Right now, the biggest problem between Adam and me is space.  Quite literally from the day Adam and I met, we were immediately comfortable with each other.  The first night we spent together, we drunkenly listened to music, talked, messed around, and randomly ate some bread.  We've been just that comfortable with each other since then, to the point where Adam pays for an apartment that he spends no more than three nights in per month.  And those nights spent there are usually in between fights.   :(   Right now Adam is sleeping at his own apartment partly because of our fight last night, but also partly because he needs to organize some of his own things.  Obviously an understandable task.  But that second reason is just slightly overshadowed by the fact that he just wants time to himself.  This, I honestly have a problem with.

And already I am starting to feel some sort of resolution out of this.  Thank you, blog.

I am the type of lover who, a lot would say, is the smothering kind.  My thoughts almost never stray from Adam, I devote all of my time to him, and I gladly sacrifice parts of myself and life for him, even if he doesn't want it.  This is both a positive and negative trait, but one more than the other.  It is positive because the recipient of all of this is showered with what a lover should be showered with.  It is, unfortunately, more of a negative trait because it could easily scare off anyone who doesn't perceive love the same way.  Additionally, it's negative because if I don't feel I have received the same kind of devotion, I internalize it and eventually use it as ammunition toward our next fight.

Bad Jesse.

What compounds all of this is that this trait of mine is one that I do not feel needs to be changed.  There are other lovers in this world who are capable of the same.  Yes, I needed to change my ways of being an extremist, which is the first thing Adam helped me with.  Yes, I needed to get over my new-found issues of jealousy since dating Adam, which I, myself, conquered.  But change how much I love someone?  Even if it pushes them away?  I love Adam in a way that I honestly never knew I could love someone, but it truly puts my heart in a sad place when I have to keep my affections from him, just to give him his space.  I don't need space.  When Adam is here, I want to hold his hand.  I want to kiss his face, and I want to tell him that I love him whenever possible.  Sometimes, he responds to it in a way that makes me think I've found something no one else ever has.  Other times?  He moves his hand from mine, or turns his face before I can kiss him, and calls me a "ball and chain".


I don't deserve that.

What makes it worse is that I am not a perceptive person, I can't read minds, and I don't know when Adam will want to reject my affections.  Of course, this leads to fights.

Which is where we are now.  Adam is out drinking with his friends, will spend the night at his apartment tonight, will work until midnight tomorrow night, and may or may not (even though he says he will) come to my bed afterward.

So, what's a boy to do?

Well, I can try to do as he asks and keep from loving him when he's not ready.  But how is that fair to me?  It's good to compromise in a relationship, as that is one of the keys to them, but would compromising that aspect of me hurt me more than help our relationship?  I feel that yes, I just can't do it.  It would hurt my heart too much to stand in the same room with him, try to keep my hands off him, and watch while the other couples kiss and love each other, openly.

As I typed that I thought about actually changing my mind and saying that maybe I could compromise that part of me.  But I still don't believe it.

Adam, I get that sometimes you need your space.  I get that sometimes you don't want to kiss me in public.  But to ask me to hold back is asking me to change a fundamental part of myself.  I can't just can't do that without damaging myself, and eventually us.

So, what's the other boy to do?

Well, Adam can try to work on not rejecting me, even when he wants it.  But then we'll be back in the same situation.  Adam will be holding back wanting to push me away, and eventually it will bottle up into something that hurts us as a whole.

So then, what?

Maybe that's it?  Maybe we're just at a stalemate?  I hate to say that since lately I have been doing what I said I never would and make empty break-up threats.  But honestly, what else are we to do?  These are two parts of two men that are not wrong in their own respective rites.

See?  I just can't come to a conclusion with this.  This may be the proverbial straw.  Dear God, I don't want it to be.  But I also don't want to be up late at night making a melancholy blog post about love when I have to be up for work three hours later.

Oh Adam.  What are you going to do?  Should I wait for you?  Will you change?  Will I change?

Should we?

Guess I can only react to his next move.

Will keep you posted.

Goodnight blog.  Love you.

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