Alright

So I talked to Deanna today after we worked out and I have to say, I feel better.  I didn't tell her how I was upset that she's back with Oscar or that she's handled herself rather carelessly lately.  What I did tell her was that I'm going through something...different, which I've never gone through before, and to not worry about me.  I think what I meant was don't judge me, but I was afraid to say that because I didn't want her to know that I judge others so easily.  Now that I say that, though, I realize that she already knows how quickly I judge; she was the one who brought it up to me recently to not be so harsh to friends and family.  I also told her that whatever I'm going through, I have to find the answer on my own -- alone.

Funny.  That last sentence was a paradox.  How can I go through something alone, but have to tell someone about it?  I'm not as solitary as I think I'm being.

The point is, after talking to her I felt better immediately.  What was it about those few minutes standing beside our cars that lifted my spirits?  Was it the fact that I finally was able to tell someone Hey, I'm going through something but I'm strong, so don't worry about me?  Or that I was able to explain my inability to limit my anger lately?  Or maybe I felt better because I saw that Deanna was doing better already, and that makes me feel better?

I'm going to go with that one.  I mean I'm sure the prior statements felt good to release, but how crazy is it that I fall into this pit of despair at the same time that Deanna hits her lowest?  And now that I find her doing much better, I want to be better?  It's a little gross!  Why do I have to base my feelings on how my closest loved ones are doing?  HOW ABNORMAL!  I need to stop that.  If I'm going to act like I'm my own person, I should really be it!


Alright Jesse, I think now is the time.  Drop your grudges, lower your defenses, let go of the past.  Yes, Sarah acts like a child at times, but let her be that child and learn on her own!  Yeah Joseph totally screwed you over with money, but you knew it was happening all along!  Sadly, Michael may not be able to be strictly friends with you, but at least you're thought of so highly that someone can't withhold kissing you!  Work is an unfortunate stress, but you're able to pay your bills every month!  BE HAPPY!


It's not a light switch, but it's certainly not dependent on a miracle either.  Work on it, Jes.  Happy comes from hard work, not self-loathing.  Be happy for yours and others' achievements -- don't hate, don't be jealous.  Work at it.


Time for some Lost.