...something changed. I stopped learning, growing and exuding utter adulthood, and instead starting just "going through the motions". I knew it would be a bad idea to allow a certain thing to happen or to continue with an edgy thought, so I wouldn't express it out loud -- but I would let it sink in inside. I've started judging people again. I'm holding on to negative thoughts of people and it's making me quite bitter again. Now I think I know why I've been struggling with my anger lately. And it probably has a lot to do with why I haven't been keeping up with my apartment lately, or any of my intended tasks either.
Mom called me last night. On her birthday. Yeah, she had to call me. Oops. I texted her earlier today but she says she didn't get it. She sounded down and out and was perhaps crying before she called me. She told me, with great melancholy in her voice, about her day's events. Her manager forgot her birthday and tried to make up for it, in a very sheepish way, by exclaiming that the cake and the balloons, brought by the co-workers, tipped her off. That made Mom said. But as nice and caring as she makes her co-workers sound, why is the story about her manager the first thing she told me? I mean she did explain how she got the usual cake and balloons, but why was she so upset about her manager forgetting? She has nothing good to say about her, so why care? Also, why would you even expect your manager to remember your birthday or, more, want to celebrate it? I think it's quite silly to get upset over something so trivial. Mind you, she was probably also upset that none of her kids called her yet, but wasn't dinner with Jerry a nice treat?
Damn it man I see myself in her so much. She puts herself in harm's way and then sobs like a victim when she gets trampled on as a consequence. Ick.
So anyway, she proceeded to tell me about one horrible day she had with her horrid manager, which eventually made her cry (without letting her manager see). She had so many negative things to tell me that day, to include how unnecessarily dramatic she thinks Yu Jin is and how careless Jerry can be. When she spoke to me I think I may have rolled my eyes once or twice and I even had the urge to hang up on her, but not only did I stay on the line, I fed her ego. She, once again without fail, mentioned her weight and I made sure to compliment her and tell her that she looks great, even though I didn't want to say it. When it comes to Mom, she thrives on other peoples' reactions and she fishes for compliments on a daily basis, so of course I appeased her (it is her day, right?).
Anyway, I'm ready to go onto the next topic so I'll just sum up my point: I'm like my Mom and it's not something I'm proud to admit. I'm dramatic at times, tightly wound, regularly negative, hopeful and forever stuck in this haze, waiting for something significant to happen. What, exactly, I have no idea.
So Deanna and Oscar came over last night to drop off the baby. I just cannot be happy about the fact that Deanna and Oscar are back together. I think it's sweet that Deanna wants to try again with him, especially because she thinks I cut ties with people too easily, but I just don't like him. Last night proved it. Once again, we got on the topic of Jeffrey, and once again Oscar got immediately defensive about him, suggesting that I didn't get enough time to know him. How dare you, Oscar. You know me so very little, and you want to immediately assume that I didn't care to get to know someone well enough? Jeffrey skipped out on the last month of rent and utilities and stuck you with the bill! What does that say about him now? It's not surprising, though, about Oscar's defensiveness. Deanna has told me about fights with him, plus I also witnessed how childish he was acting when Deanna expressed pure distaste for the Pentecostal church we once went to. It's like he tries to convince people to like things they obviously don't.
But that's not all that happened when they were here: A week ago I would've been very quick to dismiss anything they had to say about me, but now I listened to their opinions about how I supposedly treat others. They say (and I agree with some of this) that I am quick to shut others out -- others who possess qualities that I am not a fan of. I wholeheartedly agree with this, but it is a defense mechanism that I have created and I personally stand by. ...well I personally stood by. They may be right about some of that. Yes, it's true, I do quite quickly form a wall and separate myself from those who I've noticed contain negative aspects that aren't good for me. But I mean why would I want to associate myself with people that might hold me back or may just be a dramatic waste of my time? I wouldn't bat an eye if someone told me they preferred not to be friends with Jeffrey Dahmer. It's completely understandable. So why can't people accept that I prefer not to bother even getting close to anyone that exhibits poor qualities that I once had and overcame?
(Hm, I just realized...maybe it's because they may overcome those qualities too? But see then it's like well good luck to you on that, I'll see you when you've journeyed a bit longer. Funny thing is, Oscar did explain last night that those who see God are tasked with bringing others to see His light, just by leading as an example. I think I am entirely capable of doing that. Hm thanks Oscar, I think I just might take that thought into account...)
Alright so Michael. Like I said, Michael expressed his interest in me to, well, me and it definitely scared me off. I do really want to get together so we can talk about it and we can solidify where we stand, but this has been a busy week for me. Come to think of it, my life has been quite busy since late last year. Is this how it will remain? Anyway, he sent me a text message on Sunday and brought up the idea of being each others' Valentine's since we're both single. Um, no. How sweet and rude at the same time. I just got finished telling him that we're just friends and then he springs this Valentine's crap on me. WTF??? He wanted to get together for dinner this week but Monday I wanted a day to myself, Tuesday LOST was on, Wednesday and Thursday were the concerts and Friday was supposed to be Dollar Night at the Rodeo with Dad & Janice and the kids. Well they canceled and I forgot about making dinner plans with Michael, so Deanna asked if I would watch the baby and I obliged. The big problem is, I assume that if I don't get back to people in enough time, they should know that that means we won't be getting together. I didn't stop to think that not everyone works like that, so I got a text from him at around 6:00 last night while I was doing my laundry. Here is what was said:
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