And Life Continues...

So yeah, plenty of content to write about this go 'round.  Let's see...  Since my last post, I've lost a friend, potentially gained two more, and had my nerves tested to their max this past weekend by my own mother.

So Michael sent me a message on Facebook a few days ago and in the interest of saving time (I have a hopefully good gay movie to watch later but I do need to blog this before I lose the feeling), I'll cut and paste the contents here.

Michael Zamora February 25 at 12:00am Report

I'm not only a member, but I'm also the national spokes person.haha, I just remember you talking about the movie oddles of times!
I've been debating with myself if I should text/call/mssg you, and it turns out, itsmost likely a bad idea. Lol. At the risk of putting my heart anywhere other than on my sleeve, I'd like to say that I miss some of you. Apparently I must be a masochist for saying that. Hehe
I'm not exactly sure what parts I miss, but that's probably not important.
I'm also not sure what me mssging you means. But I do know we connected on many levels, and that rarely happens, and I know for sure, that's one thing I miss.
Well, I hope this mssg finds you in good spirits and that all is as it should be in your world.
Ciao

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Jesse Moreno February 25 at 9:38pm

I'd rather not have a conversation like this through a Facebook message over the internet, but if our next face-to-face talk ends as badly as the last, we might as well do it this way.

I honestly don't know how to respond to this. I think I'm still upset, but your message is nice, even if you are going out on a limb. It's true and unfair, both at the same time, that you call yourself a masochist. It's true because you know exactly how I feel, yet you continue to put yourself in these vulnerable situations. It's also unfair because you making such a statement automatically places me as the torturer. I think I did a good job last time of overstating the fact that the last thing I want to do is hurt you, however I do find it more important to be truthful to you -- or to anyone, for that matter.

We did connect quite well, actually. But the friendship I thought I was building was secretly something more to you. Now I'm not damning you for having feelings for me -- that's human nature at least, and very flattering to me at best -- but I honestly felt shattered leaving the IHOP that Saturday night. Not only did I fail at making friends with the one gay guy that I actually got along really well with, but I also found out that that one gay guy was willing to throw weeks of funny back-and-forth messages and birthday well-wishes away because the feelings he had weren't reciprocated.

Apparently I am still upset about it.

Michael, I sincerely mean no harm to you by saying these things, but I told you from the first day we met: I don't want to be in a relationship of any kind with anyone right now. Your last Facebook message to me said the exact opposite, and it's unfortunate I got caught in the crossfire.

You're a funny guy who obviously knows what it takes in life to keep great friends and even greater family. Just stop putting yourself in harm's way. It turns you into something...else.

Michael Zamora February 26 at 8:54pm Report

youre right, this isnt a conversation i want to have over fb....because youre a nice guy and all you just wrote me, make you sound like an ass....and my response, as nice as it sounds in my head would make me sound like an ass too.
so if you wanna meet up we can, and if you dont, well.....may the force be with you. but my guess is....youre not in the mood to meet up.
eh....ok
ciao

So yeah there it is.  I explained this entire story to Mom over the weekend (it took me 6 hours to do this -- more on that later) and I am satisfied to hear that she, Deanna and Grammer all agree that Michael is absolutely not worth continuing a relationship with.  I made that decision myself by removing him from my Facebook and phonebook contacts directly after receiving his message, but hearing it from some of my favorite womens' lips so helped confirm that my way of thinking in this scenario was not at all out of place.  I will admit two things, however: 1) I should have reacted more strongly to Michael's childish behavior, but I wasn't sure if I was being out of line, so I decided to play it somewhat safe, and 2) I probably shouldn't have responded to him via a Facebook message, but at least it helped me end the unnecessary drama quickly.  I'm not at all sad about burning this bridge because Michael, much like Joseph, poses no benefits to me by being called my friend and, in fact, causes unwarranted strife where it's not needed and can be prevented.  Now I understand that as a Christian I should be showing him the right way to break free of the hatred he so quickly harnesses, however I also understand that it's not healthy to continue lingering in the realm of the evil-hearted as I may not be strong enough to suppress the darkness myself.  I'm getting stronger and learning every day, but he nearly got the best of me this weekend and I won't ever let it get that close again.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.   ((dusts hands off))

So yeah that's that.  There's probably a little more that I may go over again later but like I said I'm trying to condense this.  As for the two new potential friendships, I'm so excited!  I met Ricky at the Motion City Soundtrack concert a few weeks ago and thought he was pretty cool (a little unlearned but hey he's a senior in high school), so I struck up a conversation with him on Facebook.  What I thought was super awesome about him is that he's gay and he loves all the things I love!  So even if we don't continue a friendship, I can at least take comfort in knowing this world isn't just filled with Michael Zamoras like I so truly feared!  Now I just have to find a reason to visit Austin and hang out with my new friends (Nathan, Ricky, Ryan and Ashley) so I can keep the friendship up, then BAM my friend network just multiplied!

Now about the other potential friend, Kevin.  I initially saw him at Rico's barbecue last year and after seeing him, my gaydar immediately went off.  Well I was right about that and Mom so kindly setup a little dinner for him and I to meet, as well as for him to meet the rest of the family, and we had a great time!  Mom wasn't trying to set us up or anything and I have to say, I am honestly humbled by her reasoning for us to meet.  Kevin recently came out (I think less than a year ago) and he has always lived a Catholic lifestyle.  He is now doubting his faith and is also struggling with accepting his sexuality.  I am almost in the same position myself, save the fact that I'm more comfortably established living on my own and have six years on him.  But either way, I think it will be quite healthy for us to try and bounce our life experiences off each other in hopes of learning and growing as two maturing young gay males.  I love the idea!  Now let's just see if we can keep it platonic...

Kevin is a cutie and his chub fits him, but I think Mom is spot-on when she says she senses his constant attempt at masking sadness with ever-smiling eyes.  Unstable people like that don't normally make the best of friends, but if I'm going to pretend like I've learned and grown from my recent bout with depression this past month, I had better try my best to help this guy out if he reaches out to me.  But -- ACHTUNG! -- I have to make sure I don't respond to him with my typical knee-jerk reaction and try to "fix" him, since that normally ends with the reason why I've been recently down in the dumps: I'm not strong enough for prolonged exposure to broken people.  Now is the time to test out my newfound strengths.  Nice.

Lastly, Mom really, really, reeeeeeaaaaalllly tested my patience this weekend with her inability to filter her mouth.  I started out telling her about my dilemma with Michael at 10:00 AM Saturday morning and, because of her constant interjections and talkativeness, did not finish until 4:00 PM that day.  Mind you, we shopped and had lunch during this time, but she still had me quite ready to jump out of the car by the time I could finish my story.  In typical Mom form, she managed to turn the conversation to her own recent problems and, surprise surprise, talk about Dad.  However, I think I did finally realize why the other reason she constantly talks about him may be because that's the only other meaningful relationship she's ever had with another man!  Ok so now it's not so bad...  But still, Mom really needs to learn to cut the chatter.  Part of the reason why I don't call her or come around too regularly is exactly because of that.  Plus, it seems to me that the percentage of learning she does from repeating the same self-created drama over and over again is right at about 20%.  Yes that's entirely my opinion and all subjective, but I stand by that statement.  I really wouldn't have a problem listening to her if she just would listen to herself sometimes and try to fix her own problems, rather than run away from them.  What's funny is among the negative traits I was telling her that Michael possessed, was a fear of confrontation, which she willingly admitted to having herself!  Yet she doesn't do anything about it!  Well she thinks she does, but one of the things that infuriates me about her is her amazing capacity for passive aggression.  She thinks she's confronting people when really she holds back so much of what she really wants to say, and then goes around the corner to spew it out into some other pathetic soul's ear.

Geeze this sounds so mean but it is truly how I feel about my own mother.  She's passive aggressive, she bottles up her feelings, she's ridiculously sensitive to the slightest negative reaction, she learns so little of what life has to offer her and she most definitely does not see herself for who she truly is.  Man oh man that sounds so ugly but what's uglier is it is all true.

Now, Mr. Author, how much of those negative qualities do you possess?  Hmmmmmm??  Well let's see, I'm most definitely not passive aggressive, I'm remembering to learn again about what lessons life can offer and I am utterly, masochistically aware of who I am.  So, what's left is: I bottle my feelings up and I can definitely be sensitive to certain situations.  Remember this, Jes!  These are the cracks you need to patch!


Alright enough cynicism; what's good about her?  So much!  Oh so, so, SO MUCH!  She truly lives for her kids.  I can honestly say I have a strong sense of family solely because of that woman.  She's solid as a rock when she needs to be; she quit smoking cold turkey and raised 3 teens practically single-handedly.  How much more solid can you get?  She has a lot of patience when it comes to most matters.  She's the true definition of a mother, and that is so much right there.  So.  Much.


I omitted two other stories where Mom angered me this weekend and, as always, I may bring it up later, but I think I've released a good amount of tension with this blog post (thanks bloggy!).  Plus, she just texted me so I may have to get on the phone with her because she knows how upset I was when I left her place earlier today.  If anything, I want to sit her down before we leave next weekend for Danny's place (Vegas YAAYUHH!) and have a real talk with her, but let's see if that really does happen.

I have no idea why I feel like saying this just now, but I love you.   :)