There was an error in this gadget

Monday, March 15, 2010

Returning To Normal

I'm back at work today.  Waking up this morning was hell.  I set my alarm an hour early so I could get to work and catch up on emails, but I eventually snoozed it all the way to my normal wake up time.  Well ok I would have snoozed it all the way if Mom didn't call me first to wake me up.  She thought she found the charger for my bluetooth receiver but it ended up just being Deanna's charger.

As I got ready this morning I started going through the normal wake-up-and-get-ready motions (skip the shave) and was surprised how easily I picked everything back up.  Warming up the car, I realized I didn't need to go back upstairs for anything, which is a rarity.  At work, I managed to wade through the flood of emails (almost 400, to be exact) in an hour's time and start my normal Duty Agent queue checks just about on schedule.  I was relieved to find that the whole notification debacle that left me in such a dire mood the previous Friday actually ironed itself out.  The day thus far has gone smoothly and now it's lunch time.  I should be checking Twitter and Facebook, like usual, but I just have to blog this...feeling...I have right now.  Like I said, I got ready this morning and even started working today as if I hadn't skipped a beat, but I'm now realizing how removed I feel from all this.  I really must've unwound while away, 'cause even though these "motions" fit like usual now, they still feel foreign at the same time.  With these fresh eyes I have a chance to stop and look at my career right now and I'm a little hesitant about it.  Throughout the day today I've recognized a few key moments that normally trigger an increase in my stress levels; I'm sure these will start to grate my nerves again within the next day or two, but as for today I get to step back and see exactly what's causing it all.  Duty Agent responsibility, getting a call in the middle of doing something else, windows not opening when I click them (a frequent occurrence), hearing Rob's bitching, hearing my boss' bitching, working with lackluster subordinates -- all of this winds me up sometimes and sends me into I-need-a-vacation mode on a monthly basis.  And now I'm thinking, Is this where I'm supposed to be?  Is my career self on track?  I think I'm already aware that the answer to that is a hearty NO.  I don't feel like the supervisor position I'll be taking on is something my heart desires, and that's not good.  My passion for technology should be leading my career self; instead, my love for salary is.  I want to learn to code and develop.  I want to work for Google or freelance, but I lack the motivation or experience.

I should work on that.  Soon.

Something else significant I've stumbled across today: I really can make any day feel like a vacation.  I got some superb relaxation time from my vacation, and some profound think/blog time later in New Mexico.  What's funny is I felt the same level of happy last week that I feel when I'm being just as lazy with friends on a Sunday afternoon at home, or when I get time to think and blog clearly on any given day.  I was expecting to have achieved this heightened level of enjoyment or bliss while on vacation, but it turns out I can make myself feel just as happy or blissful right here at home when the timing's right.  That means that this is it.  There's no special level of enlightenment I have yet to achieve; no goal of adulthood I haven't crossed yet.  I'm already living life, even though I act now like I'm still preparing for it.

So why am I not getting that revelation-type feeling?  Who knows, maybe I already knew this...?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

A Little Selfish

Vegas trip's over. We've driven 10 hours to New Mexico and are now staying with Jerry's parents until we shove off at 8:00 PM tonight. Looking back at the last 7 days now I realize that, among other things, the two times I actually blogged on my vacation, I was drunk. :/ I need to be more real about this. My drunk mind has it right: when you're in the moment and get a chance to see the world not fixated on you, blog. I do and that's great, but I need to do it more than just those times, especially since I don't drink that much anymore.

But what's more on my mind is how my attitude has been for almost the entire length of the trip. I look back and although I wasn't a jerk or anything, I certainly wasn't enthusiastic Mr. Happy. Now I do have to admit that I was skippy when I first arrived and Danny, Deanna, Yu Jin and I did have a blast on the strip Monday night. Plus I did get sick for the majority of the trip, which dampened my spirit. So huh, maybe I am just being hard on myself? What I do know is I didn't get to do MANY of the things I wanted to this time, and I wasn't very helpful to Yu Jin with the baby or the house, but as long as I believe that next time will be much better, I'll be able to keep from getting upset. I'm really happy Deanna had a great time on the strip. And Yu Jin was a lot more likeable this go 'round, so that's good too.

Man I am really enjoying having my headphones in, listening to Angels and Airwaves, sitting in the desert, in front of a mountain, blogging. :o)

I got onto Mom last night because I'm finding it more and more difficult to take her sensitiveness, constant down-talk to Jerry, under-breath comments, and general negativity. It's not just this trip that might send me over the edge with her; lately I've discovered that Deanna has become as fed up with Mom as myself and has even snapped at Mom on this trip as well. The more I talk to Deanna about it, the more I feel the situation gets to its boiling point. But here's my dilemma: I tend to have a lot of patience with most situations, so it takes having to get to my breaking point before I'm ready to confront it. I usually wait for this threshold to be met because it gives me a feeling of righteousness while I lay down my speech. The flip side to this, however, is if I wait for said moment, I'll most likely erupt on Mom, and I think we all know how badly she'll take that.

Once again, I must comment on how appealing this moment is. With the earth, my music, my thoughts...

Thanks God. ;)

Anyway, I don't believe I'm reflecting enough from these blogs. It feels seriously therapeutic to be able to release these feelings, and I think for that effect, it's working as it should. But am I growing from all this? Now that I ask myself, yes...yes I think I am. Just at a slow rate hahaha. Obviously, I have to hear myself when I write these things, so there's a bit of self-realization right there, but perhaps I should go read my entries thus far, get a good idea of who I am to the public eye. But not tomorrow. I have TV shows to catch up on. :)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

What A Great Time To Blog

My brother and sister are arguing over how drunk I got at the the strip and as mad as I got at my brother for assuming, I understand because Deanna told him that she wanted to keep an eye on me. I'm fine. I always will be fine. Thank you.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Drunk At A Bar

So I'm at Timbers right now with Danny and I got to meet a lot of his friends/coworkers, who are now all very drunk. I'm looking around at everyone and enjoying watching their mannerisms -- some are lovey and huggy, others are super talkative, and some are just plain drunk. I realize that I enjoy this crowd so much. I enjoy it more than any gay guy I've met recently, any fun gay bar I've gone too, any group of friends who are "nice".

This is my type of crowd.

And Danny is staring at some blonde chick.

Starting Early

That's not the moral of this blog or anything, I'm just saying I'm blogging early today. I didn't plan on starting until we got on the road but I have a mountain of anger to release right now and I'm hoping that writing it down will help me get sorted before we actually shove off.

I'm here at Deanna's trying to get my laundry done and I absolutely hate the fact that Oscar's here. I just blew him off and now I feel kind of bad but oh well, I just truly do not like Oscar. Anyway, I'm starting early because, much like last weekend when I was at f I just dropped my phone. I just dropped my brand-new-not-more-than-two-days-old-phone and now it's chipped all around the edges. I am literally on the verge of tears but I'm so tired I can't cry. I didn't even get a chance to tell the story of how work nearly sent me over the edge and now I'm staring at a chipped phone face. God -- no, Satan -- quit it, will you? I want to lose my temper -- and trust me, there are more than enough reasons to do so right now -- but I won't. I want to hate everyone and everything right now, especially the fact that the soft keyboard on this phone sucks so hard. Deanna is going to the T-Mobile store to get her SIM card so maybe she can find me something to cover up this chipped face.

Anyway, I was having a pretty good day today until the last 20 minutes (well ok technically it'd be the last hour). I wanted to make sure I left work feeling accomplished and like my to-do list was cleared. I did get most of my daily and to-do tasks cleared, but leave it to Wayne Dockery to kick off a horrible start to what's supposed to be a centering vacation. 20 minutes before the start of my vacation he sends a supposedly urgent notification request, yet when I need him to urgently approve my draft he's nowhere to be found. After sending several requests to both Wayne and my own managers, I finally get a go-ahead from Todd (who's supposed to be out of office), so I send it. By now it's nearly 6:00 PM and in an ideal world I'm already at Deanna's finish the first load of laundry.