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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Severed Ties With Kevin Today

Yeah I don't usually make my post titles specific so as not to confine myself to writing about one certain topic, but I pretty much won't be talking about anything else tonight haha.  So yes, I've fully removed Kevin from my life as of tonight and I gotta say, I'm feeling a lot of things right now -- sad, hesitant, empty, justified.  The problem is, I don't feel at all like the one emotion I'm supposed to feel after finally doing this: closure.  Dang it I just wrote it and now it's really real.  I am very much a closure-type person.  From my adult life on I've learned that I can move on, learn from and even appreciate any bad situation or relationship, just as long as I get that warm-in-the-tummy, Ziploc'd ending that I so desire -- no, require.  Tonight marked the most mature, fulfilling and easily digestible breakups that this planet and its meandering people have ever witnessed, yet I don't feel whole again.


I'm really not sure I can answer that.  I'm usually able to tell how I'm feeling, put it down in thought and words, and fix it or grow from it!  But tonight I can't!  Did I make a mistake?  Well it's ok if I did 'cause I'm sure Kevin and I will be able to reconnect again (hopefully in the distant future), but I mean where's the closure in that?  Maybe that's it!  Maybe because I took a break from him already, I got used to the wet-blanket feeling that came with it?  I think that's it: I'm waiting for the proverbial "other shoe to drop".  But that's comforting to know because if I know one thing about myself, it's that time is a fantastic catalyst for helping me get back in the "groove" of life again.

Now to see if Kevin will leave me alone.   :/   I deleted him from Facebook and Latitude but he still has my phone number.  If push comes to shove I'll auto-ignore his calls and text messages (I <3 Google Voice).

But anyway, to elaborate on Kevin's and my conversation tonight, I would be happy to vouch for his high potential in becoming a fine human being and man.  He was snappy at first, but understandably, since I spent the last 24 hours snapping at him via text message.  I quickly calmed the situation (how me of me to do) and we sat down to say our pieces.  He obviously still has feelings for me and thinks highly of me, which I unfortunately can't trust since the romantic thoughts are surely blurring his judgment.  BUT, he did eventually agree with me that whatever xxxxxxxtionship we had had successfully run its course after taking our little "break".  So, good.  I appreciate his somewhat-solid demeanor and I truly hope for the best for him and for our (distant) future friendship.

So I guess that's that...

Side note:  I was changing the template for my blog this weekend when I was forced to read my initial posts.  I must say, it is helping.  I'm very happy I started this blog and I know it will continue helping me flesh out the gray areas in life.  Thanks!  Love you and goodnight!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

A Good Place

Found a good spot on the Riverwalk to sit and look all contemplative and such. It rocks. And this guy just secretly (well from what he thinks) hid something in the bushes across the river. He totally looked around first but I guess he didn't see me? Anyway, I parked in the suuuper ghetto and somehow made it through the neighborhood alive. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure of how to get back. Heh. Smart. I've been walking around downtown and the Riverwalk for I think about 2 hours now. This morning, when I was at church, the thought crossed my mind to check out the Riverwalk and see if there was a good spot to get some much-needed blogging time in. I remember Deanna pointing out a nice little serene area at the end where the Riverwalk met a big building, and although I didn't quite find it, this may be a better version. So here I am!

I'm so happy I made it to church this morning. I think I'm going to start tithing but I want to make sure I don't start expecting all these great things to happen to me (as if great things don't already happen) just because I've made the decision to tithe. I fear that may be a struggle in the future so I'm hoping recognizing it now will help fight it back.

But yeah church was fantastic this morning. As long as I make it back in enough time I'm going to order Chinese food and watch a movie or catch up on my shows. Can't wait for this week's FMA!

So I'm feeling more like myself as the days pass (read: not like the idiot who fell to lust two Thursdays ago and slept with Kevin). I'm still not sure I can (want to?) continue a friendship with him, but time will tell. He texted me Friday afternoon asking when he could get his pan back. One of the last things he said was "I'm sorry for everything". That's tragic. I think he's just apologizing because he wants us to start talking again and because he's a nervous person, but does he know why he should and shouldn't be apologizing? Well I'll tell you. He should be apologizing because he kept advancing and took advantage of my momentary weakness. He shouldn't be apologizing because, in the end, it was my decision and he can't take full blame for the end result. I hope he grows into a fine person because thanks to experience, I can tell he has potential.

So Deanna payed a HUUUUGE compliment to me this past Wednesday and, as you can tell now, I'm still beaming from it. Let's see if I can copy/paste the quick convo here...

I love Android.

Deanna: Dude, the guy in cloverfield, his life and friends is totally how I see you! Me: Man it's been forever since I've seen that. How do you mean? (5:08 PM) Deanna: Like he is sucessful, chillaxed and has cool friends that really care for him. Me: OHHHHHH MMMYYY GORRRSHH that is so cool of you to say!!!! THANK YOU! <3 Deanna: Tee hee....but seriously (5:12 PM) Me: Wow that so made my day. I love you. :D(5:13 PM) Deanna: Awesome...glad I could do that ;) (5:13 PM) Me: Dude Blockbuster just mailed me Cloverfield today. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!(7:17 PM) Deanna: No effin way! Woooow! A sign indeed(7:18 PM)

I watched Cloverfield the other night and I cried. I hadn't seen the movie since opening night in the theaters and Deanna's comment made it hit so close to home. I love the main guy's character so much and to be compared with him is so humbling and moving to me. And what I love the most is I actually have to agree with Deanna. I mean I don't think I'm quite as awesome as the guy but I'm happily on my way to it.

Let's see, what else? Work is kickin my ass but I'm lovin it. I'm working hard to earn the guys' trust, as well as Sherrika's, in hopes of getting the Manager position. I didn't want it before but now I'm gunnin' for it. I need to learn to delegate and/or learn when to say I have too much to do. I'm in major development mode right now. ;D

Alright so I'm going to enjoy this view and my music a little bit before I start walking back.

Catch up with ya later!

Monday, April 5, 2010

So Much Is Changing

I guess that adage is true: Be careful what you wish for. I have disliked my coworkers' poor workmanship for the most part, but I wasn't expecting this. I mean did the employees have to lose their status too?? They were golden! And now they're so easily expendable! And what's worse is I'M singled out in all this! If I didn't have a trust problem with the guys before, then I sure do now!

Wow what a day...

So I guess the good news is I'm officially (read: finally) supervisor now, and when I think of it, it makes me smile. But why couldn't Sherrika just give me Exempt status like most other employees? When I asked her how it would work with me working overtime, she pretty much told me to work for free. Hey I don't mind working late without getting overtime pay, but for free?? That rubs me the wrong way. :(

Anyway, I'm continuing this entry from last Wednesday (since I was interrupted) and much has gone on since my last official post. I've blogged numerous times in my head, but obviously that doesn't count. The main thing weighing me down right now is my horrid mistake last Friday night. I broke. I tried to come across as a wise, stable, learned soul to Kevin and instead I end up giving into temptation and proving to be just as superficial as everyone else on this planet. Hm, I just realized how OK that sounds; if everyone else is like that, why should I be so mad that I'm the same? Well either way, I knew better and I didn't do anything to stop it while it was happening. I could have, but I didn't. The fact that he was a virgin should have been warning enough, but of course I was too hungry to care. And to top it all off: IT SUCKED. BAD!! He was inexperienced (of course), a little gross to see naked, his wanger was...pointy...he had fur everywhere, he talked way too damn much, and I effin' came almost immediately after entering him. Hahahaha that all sounds so freakin pathetic. Gotta laugh to keep from crying.

Man I'm so stupid.

What I thought was head-and-shoulders above any other guy interested in me was the fact that he came over last night to talk about it face to face. Bravo, kid. I thought I was the only one who cared to do that. He pleaded that we stay friends and even had the balls to call me a coward for trying to push him away after what happened. I say it again: Bra-freakin-vo. As of right now I don't really see a friendship sprouting between him and I and I don't quite trust that he's ended his feelings for me, but I told him to give me some space and let me contact him on my own time. He wasn't thrilled at that offer but accepted it anyway (did he really have a choice?). To be honest, I'm not exactly counting down the days until I'm over this (on the contrary, I think I need to mourn the recent passing of my wisdom for a good while), but I am interested to see the person Kevin becomes.

So now comes the really bad news: Mom called me today and let me know that Grammer has colon cancer. And I still don't think it has hit me. Because I am a selfish person whose main concern is my own well being. And I'm glad no one's around to try and deflect that comment or convince me that it isn't true...because it is true. I've been that way all my life and I'm not sure any amount of growing will change that. See? I even managed to turn Grammer's story into my own pity party! But the fact is, I need to spend more time with her. God knows what's going through her head right now. And I don't know why Mom wants us to pretend like we don't know. I'm sure more than anything Grammer just wants love from her family right now. Maybe I should just call her.

One thing that has been rattling around in my head for a day or two now is this: I'm going through a lot right now -- maybe more than I ever have at any given time in my life -- but I don't think I've ever felt so alive. I'm being pulled simultaneously in several different directions and there certainly aren't enough hours in the day anymore, but I think it was the book of Matthew (don't quote me on that) who said you're not living life unless you're weathering the storm. Well this storm might as well be a monsoon, 'cause I'm in for a while.