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Sunday, February 28, 2010

And Life Continues...

So yeah, plenty of content to write about this go 'round.  Let's see...  Since my last post, I've lost a friend, potentially gained two more, and had my nerves tested to their max this past weekend by my own mother.

So Michael sent me a message on Facebook a few days ago and in the interest of saving time (I have a hopefully good gay movie to watch later but I do need to blog this before I lose the feeling), I'll cut and paste the contents here.


Michael Zamora February 25 at 12:00am Report
I'm not only a member, but I'm also the national spokes person.haha, I just remember you talking about the movie oddles of times!
I've been debating with myself if I should text/call/mssg you, and it turns out, itsmost likely a bad idea. Lol. At the risk of putting my heart anywhere other than on my sleeve, I'd like to say that I miss some of you. Apparently I must be a masochist for saying that. Hehe
I'm not exactly sure what parts I miss, but that's probably not important.
I'm also not sure what me mssging you means. But I do know we connected on many levels, and that rarely happens, and I know for sure, that's one thing I miss.
Well, I hope this mssg finds you in good spirits and that all is as it should be in your world.
Ciao
Jesse Moreno February 25 at 9:38pm
I'd rather not have a conversation like this through a Facebook message over the internet, but if our next face-to-face talk ends as badly as the last, we might as well do it this way.

I honestly don't know how to respond to this. I think I'm still upset, but your message is nice, even if you are going out on a limb. It's true and unfair, both at the same time, that you call yourself a masochist. It's true because you know exactly how I feel, yet you continue to put yourself in these vulnerable situations. It's also unfair because you making such a statement automatically places me as the torturer. I think I did a good job last time of overstating the fact that the last thing I want to do is hurt you, however I do find it more important to be truthful to you -- or to anyone, for that matter.

We did connect quite well, actually. But the friendship I thought I was building was secretly something more to you. Now I'm not damning you for having feelings for me -- that's human nature at least, and very flattering to me at best -- but I honestly felt shattered leaving the IHOP that Saturday night. Not only did I fail at making friends with the one gay guy that I actually got along really well with, but I also found out that that one gay guy was willing to throw weeks of funny back-and-forth messages and birthday well-wishes away because the feelings he had weren't reciprocated.

Apparently I am still upset about it.

Michael, I sincerely mean no harm to you by saying these things, but I told you from the first day we met: I don't want to be in a relationship of any kind with anyone right now. Your last Facebook message to me said the exact opposite, and it's unfortunate I got caught in the crossfire.

You're a funny guy who obviously knows what it takes in life to keep great friends and even greater family. Just stop putting yourself in harm's way. It turns you into something...else.
Michael Zamora February 26 at 8:54pm Report
youre right, this isnt a conversation i want to have over fb....because youre a nice guy and all you just wrote me, make you sound like an ass....and my response, as nice as it sounds in my head would make me sound like an ass too.
so if you wanna meet up we can, and if you dont, well.....may the force be with you. but my guess is....youre not in the mood to meet up.
eh....ok
ciao


So yeah there it is.  I explained this entire story to Mom over the weekend (it took me 6 hours to do this -- more on that later) and I am satisfied to hear that she, Deanna and Grammer all agree that Michael is absolutely not worth continuing a relationship with.  I made that decision myself by removing him from my Facebook and phonebook contacts directly after receiving his message, but hearing it from some of my favorite womens' lips so helped confirm that my way of thinking in this scenario was not at all out of place.  I will admit two things, however: 1) I should have reacted more strongly to Michael's childish behavior, but I wasn't sure if I was being out of line, so I decided to play it somewhat safe, and 2) I probably shouldn't have responded to him via a Facebook message, but at least it helped me end the unnecessary drama quickly.  I'm not at all sad about burning this bridge because Michael, much like Joseph, poses no benefits to me by being called my friend and, in fact, causes unwarranted strife where it's not needed and can be prevented.  Now I understand that as a Christian I should be showing him the right way to break free of the hatred he so quickly harnesses, however I also understand that it's not healthy to continue lingering in the realm of the evil-hearted as I may not be strong enough to suppress the darkness myself.  I'm getting stronger and learning every day, but he nearly got the best of me this weekend and I won't ever let it get that close again.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.   ((dusts hands off))

So yeah that's that.  There's probably a little more that I may go over again later but like I said I'm trying to condense this.  As for the two new potential friendships, I'm so excited!  I met Ricky at the Motion City Soundtrack concert a few weeks ago and thought he was pretty cool (a little unlearned but hey he's a senior in high school), so I struck up a conversation with him on Facebook.  What I thought was super awesome about him is that he's gay and he loves all the things I love!  So even if we don't continue a friendship, I can at least take comfort in knowing this world isn't just filled with Michael Zamoras like I so truly feared!  Now I just have to find a reason to visit Austin and hang out with my new friends (Nathan, Ricky, Ryan and Ashley) so I can keep the friendship up, then BAM my friend network just multiplied!

Now about the other potential friend, Kevin.  I initially saw him at Rico's barbecue last year and after seeing him, my gaydar immediately went off.  Well I was right about that and Mom so kindly setup a little dinner for him and I to meet, as well as for him to meet the rest of the family, and we had a great time!  Mom wasn't trying to set us up or anything and I have to say, I am honestly humbled by her reasoning for us to meet.  Kevin recently came out (I think less than a year ago) and he has always lived a Catholic lifestyle.  He is now doubting his faith and is also struggling with accepting his sexuality.  I am almost in the same position myself, save the fact that I'm more comfortably established living on my own and have six years on him.  But either way, I think it will be quite healthy for us to try and bounce our life experiences off each other in hopes of learning and growing as two maturing young gay males.  I love the idea!  Now let's just see if we can keep it platonic...

Kevin is a cutie and his chub fits him, but I think Mom is spot-on when she says she senses his constant attempt at masking sadness with ever-smiling eyes.  Unstable people like that don't normally make the best of friends, but if I'm going to pretend like I've learned and grown from my recent bout with depression this past month, I had better try my best to help this guy out if he reaches out to me.  But -- ACHTUNG! -- I have to make sure I don't respond to him with my typical knee-jerk reaction and try to "fix" him, since that normally ends with the reason why I've been recently down in the dumps: I'm not strong enough for prolonged exposure to broken people.  Now is the time to test out my newfound strengths.  Nice.

Lastly, Mom really, really, reeeeeeaaaaalllly tested my patience this weekend with her inability to filter her mouth.  I started out telling her about my dilemma with Michael at 10:00 AM Saturday morning and, because of her constant interjections and talkativeness, did not finish until 4:00 PM that day.  Mind you, we shopped and had lunch during this time, but she still had me quite ready to jump out of the car by the time I could finish my story.  In typical Mom form, she managed to turn the conversation to her own recent problems and, surprise surprise, talk about Dad.  However, I think I did finally realize why the other reason she constantly talks about him may be because that's the only other meaningful relationship she's ever had with another man!  Ok so now it's not so bad...  But still, Mom really needs to learn to cut the chatter.  Part of the reason why I don't call her or come around too regularly is exactly because of that.  Plus, it seems to me that the percentage of learning she does from repeating the same self-created drama over and over again is right at about 20%.  Yes that's entirely my opinion and all subjective, but I stand by that statement.  I really wouldn't have a problem listening to her if she just would listen to herself sometimes and try to fix her own problems, rather than run away from them.  What's funny is among the negative traits I was telling her that Michael possessed, was a fear of confrontation, which she willingly admitted to having herself!  Yet she doesn't do anything about it!  Well she thinks she does, but one of the things that infuriates me about her is her amazing capacity for passive aggression.  She thinks she's confronting people when really she holds back so much of what she really wants to say, and then goes around the corner to spew it out into some other pathetic soul's ear.

Geeze this sounds so mean but it is truly how I feel about my own mother.  She's passive aggressive, she bottles up her feelings, she's ridiculously sensitive to the slightest negative reaction, she learns so little of what life has to offer her and she most definitely does not see herself for who she truly is.  Man oh man that sounds so ugly but what's uglier is it is all true.

Now, Mr. Author, how much of those negative qualities do you possess?  Hmmmmmm??  Well let's see, I'm most definitely not passive aggressive, I'm remembering to learn again about what lessons life can offer and I am utterly, masochistically aware of who I am.  So, what's left is: I bottle my feelings up and I can definitely be sensitive to certain situations.  Remember this, Jes!  These are the cracks you need to patch!


Alright enough cynicism; what's good about her?  So much!  Oh so, so, SO MUCH!  She truly lives for her kids.  I can honestly say I have a strong sense of family solely because of that woman.  She's solid as a rock when she needs to be; she quit smoking cold turkey and raised 3 teens practically single-handedly.  How much more solid can you get?  She has a lot of patience when it comes to most matters.  She's the true definition of a mother, and that is so much right there.  So.  Much.


I omitted two other stories where Mom angered me this weekend and, as always, I may bring it up later, but I think I've released a good amount of tension with this blog post (thanks bloggy!).  Plus, she just texted me so I may have to get on the phone with her because she knows how upset I was when I left her place earlier today.  If anything, I want to sit her down before we leave next weekend for Danny's place (Vegas YAAYUHH!) and have a real talk with her, but let's see if that really does happen.

I have no idea why I feel like saying this just now, but I love you.   :)

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Finally!

Finally for a lot of things! Finally because, first and foremost, I am truly happy today, after feeling so heavy and dragged down for so long! Finally because this damn chest cold looks like it's on its way out! Finally because I found a cool gay guy that is into literally EVERYTHING I'm into, and then some, and isn't totally predictable! Finally because I took the time out of life to go sit at the Bijou, alone but with my trusty Android phone, and watch a good indie flick. Finally because I got my two-months-expired vehicle inspection renewed! And finally because, well, I think I'm really truly on the cusp of adulthood. Yes, I know I've been going through the motions of working, paying my bills and acting civil like a 26-year-old adult should, but I've always felt like someone -- anyone -- could come along and just rip my thinly disguised veil off me and expose me for the vulnerable, unlearned little teenager I secretly acted like. But now, after going through whatever I've been going through for this past month or so, I now realize that my life probably won't return to the happy, simplistic version it was at the end of last year. But that's good. That means that now I'm not simply going to look for a visible solution and hope that applying it fixes all my problems. Instead, I'm going to look around at every one of my demons, recognize their existence and learn to live in harmony with them. Some may dissipate eventually, some may stay with me, taunting me for life; that's just fine. The true demonstration of my adulthood will be when I learn to walk with, but not follow or invite in, my dark mannerisms. That way I can see where they are, but keep them at a safe but entirely visible distance. And this also applies to others demons. I won't let theirs affect me anymore, because I'll keep an eye on them too. But not a judgmental eye, no. Just a cautious one.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Somewhere Along The Way

...something changed.  I stopped learning, growing and exuding utter adulthood, and instead starting just "going through the motions".  I knew it would be a bad idea to allow a certain thing to happen or to continue with an edgy thought, so I wouldn't express it out loud -- but I would let it sink in inside.  I've started judging people again.  I'm holding on to negative thoughts of people and it's making me quite bitter again.  Now I think I know why I've been struggling with my anger lately.  And it probably has a lot to do with why I haven't been keeping up with my apartment lately, or any of my intended tasks either.

Mom called me last night.  On her birthday.  Yeah, she had to call me.  Oops.  I texted her earlier today but she says she didn't get it.  She sounded down and out and was perhaps crying before she called me.  She told me, with great melancholy in her voice, about her day's events.  Her manager forgot her birthday and tried to make up for it, in a very sheepish way, by exclaiming that the cake and the balloons, brought by the co-workers, tipped her off.  That made Mom said.  But as nice and caring as she makes her co-workers sound, why is the story about her manager the first thing she told me?  I mean she did explain how she got the usual cake and balloons, but why was she so upset about her manager forgetting?  She has nothing good to say about her, so why care?  Also, why would you even expect your manager to remember your birthday or, more, want to celebrate it?  I think it's quite silly to get upset over something so trivial.  Mind you, she was probably also upset that none of her kids called her yet, but wasn't dinner with Jerry a nice treat?

Damn it man I see myself in her so much.  She puts herself in harm's way and then sobs like a victim when she gets trampled on as a consequence.  Ick.

So anyway, she proceeded to tell me about one horrible day she had with her horrid manager, which eventually made her cry (without letting her manager see).  She had so many negative things to tell me that day, to include how unnecessarily dramatic she thinks Yu Jin is and how careless Jerry can be.  When she spoke to me I think I may have rolled my eyes once or twice and I even had the urge to hang up on her, but not only did I stay on the line, I fed her ego.  She, once again without fail, mentioned her weight and I made sure to compliment her and tell her that she looks great, even though I didn't want to say it.  When it comes to Mom, she thrives on other peoples' reactions and she fishes for compliments on a daily basis, so of course I appeased her (it is her day, right?).

Anyway, I'm ready to go onto the next topic so I'll just sum up my point: I'm like my Mom and it's not something I'm proud to admit.  I'm dramatic at times, tightly wound, regularly negative, hopeful and forever stuck in this haze, waiting for something significant to happen.  What, exactly, I have no idea.

So Deanna and Oscar came over last night to drop off the baby.  I just cannot be happy about the fact that Deanna and Oscar are back together.  I think it's sweet that Deanna wants to try again with him, especially because she thinks I cut ties with people too easily, but I just don't like him.  Last night proved it.  Once again, we got on the topic of Jeffrey, and once again Oscar got immediately defensive about him, suggesting that I didn't get enough time to know him.  How dare you, Oscar.  You know me so very little, and you want to immediately assume that I didn't care to get to know someone well enough?  Jeffrey skipped out on the last month of rent and utilities and stuck you with the bill!  What does that say about him now?  It's not surprising, though, about Oscar's defensiveness.  Deanna has told me about fights with him, plus I also witnessed how childish he was acting when Deanna expressed pure distaste for the Pentecostal church we once went to.  It's like he tries to convince people to like things they obviously don't.

But that's not all that happened when they were here: A week ago I would've been very quick to dismiss anything they had to say about me, but now I listened to their opinions about how I supposedly treat others.  They say (and I agree with some of this) that I am quick to shut others out -- others who possess qualities that I am not a fan of.  I wholeheartedly agree with this, but it is a defense mechanism that I have created and I personally stand by.  ...well I personally stood by.  They may be right about some of that.  Yes, it's true, I do quite quickly form a wall and separate myself from those who I've noticed contain negative aspects that aren't good for me.  But I mean why would I want to associate myself with people that might hold me back or may just be a dramatic waste of my time?  I wouldn't bat an eye if someone told me they preferred not to be friends with Jeffrey Dahmer.  It's completely understandable.  So why can't people accept that I prefer not to bother even getting close to anyone that exhibits poor qualities that I once had and overcame?

(Hm, I just realized...maybe it's because they may overcome those qualities too?  But see then it's like well good luck to you on that, I'll see you when you've journeyed a bit longer.  Funny thing is, Oscar did explain last night that those who see God are tasked with bringing others to see His light, just by leading as an example.  I think I am entirely capable of doing that.  Hm thanks Oscar, I think I just might take that thought into account...)

Alright so Michael.  Like I said, Michael expressed his interest in me to, well, me and it definitely scared me off.  I do really want to get together so we can talk about it and we can solidify where we stand, but this has been a busy week for me.  Come to think of it, my life has been quite busy since late last year.  Is this how it will remain?  Anyway, he sent me a text message on Sunday and brought up the idea of being each others' Valentine's since we're both single.  Um, no.  How sweet and rude at the same time.  I just got finished telling him that we're just friends and then he springs this Valentine's crap on me.  WTF???  He wanted to get together for dinner this week but Monday I wanted a day to myself, Tuesday LOST was on, Wednesday and Thursday were the concerts and Friday was supposed to be Dollar Night at the Rodeo with Dad & Janice and the kids.  Well they canceled and I forgot about making dinner plans with Michael, so Deanna asked if I would watch the baby and I obliged.  The big problem is, I assume that if I don't get back to people in enough time, they should know that that means we won't be getting together.  I didn't stop to think that not everyone works like that, so I got a text from him at around 6:00 last night while I was doing my laundry.  Here is what was said:


Michael: This is just a hunch, but I'm assuming you're not coming to dinner...since I didn't hear back from you? Lol. Its coolio, have fun and well be in touch soon. 6:08 PM
Me: Whaaaat? What dinner? 6:19 PM
Michael: I asked u yesterday if you wanted to do dinner. But u were gonna see about the rodeo w ur folks n get back w me. No biggie man. 6:23 PM
Me: Ohhh dang it I am so sorry. Are you free tomorrow morning? 6:33 PM
Michael: The morning...lol. Its cool man. Well just get together soon. Lol...I told you its gonna end up being after valentines day. Haha. 6:52 PM
Michael: My apologies for being short. I was on my way to dinner. 7:06 PM
Me: That's alright. I understand if it's more than just that. Let me know if you can meet up after 8:30 tomorrow night. 7:36 PM
Michael: Its not more than anything. I get outta work at 8 tomorrow. So if you wanna make plans let me know. I told ya I'm the kinda guy to wear my heart on my sleeve so 9:29 PM
Michael: I'm sorry if that's wierd for you. I just genuinely enjoy you as a person....nothing more. 9:30 PM

Oh Lord what is going on with this guy?  It's his fault that he continues to feel this way for me.  I explained to him that I wanted only friendship from him, yet he continues to put his heart out there, left hanging.  I hope to see him tonight to get this all out of the way.  I want a fun friendship, not one I have to keep at arm's length.  What I really didn't like, though, was his tone in the text messages.  Dude, I'm sorry you're getting your feelings hurt, but I told you my intentions a week ago.

So not to leave this blog in all dark clouds, I must admit I'm feeling better (emotionally, not physically -- I'm still coughing up masses of whatever).  I felt exhilarated (up until Michael's text) about this weekend and it all started from the concert Thursday night.  (Funny aside: I went all the way to Austin and hung out with Nathan all Wednesday afternoon, just to realize I went a day too early.  Haha.)  So I left late to the concert but was so excited to find Ryan and Ashley there!  We're friends on Facebook now and they were just as much fun that night as they were a few months ago when Sarah and I met them.  The concert itself filled me with so much energy and excitement that it made me realize how much I was missing by moping.  The Swellers were great (and cute!) and did a good job of getting the crowd warmed up.  This Providence totally failed by misidentifying the city as San Antonio, rather than Austin.  And instead of just apologizing and continuing on, the lead singer tried to make a really crap joke out of it and, again, failed.  The crowd was none too excited about this but surprisingly looked it over in favor of the next song.

And now...
SET
YOUR
GOALS!!!!!

Dude Set Your Goals absolutely killed it.  Their mere presence got the crowd excited and I'll admit, my calves hurt so much today from doing so much jumping and pushing.  The singers (rappers?) were all over the stage and set such a high bar for entertainers, in my opinion.  I got a picture with the skinnier one, Matt, later that night.  I'm pretty sure the more energetic one was in the purple gorilla suit (Kimbo) during the meet-and-greet afterward.  But yeah almost everyone knew their songs and Ricky, the guy the girls befriended that night, pushed his way to the front to be able to get closer in on the action.  People were crowd surfing, some were trying to start a mosh pit, and everyone else was jumping in rhythm, hands in the air shouting whatever lyrics they knew.  There was so much energy that it seriously could've been caught right from the air and bottled for later use.  I am definitely, DEFINITELY going back to see Set Your Goals when they come back for the spring -- or wherever else they may be playing in Texas.

Motion City Soundtrack were also a joy to watch and listen to.  The lead singer is quirky, to say the least, and the bassist seemed like a suuuper chill/cool guy (I got a picture with him later too).  Nobody crowd surfed when they were on stage, but the songs were still vibrant as well.  All in all I had a very fun night and can't wait to do it again. The girls will be going back next Wednesday to see We The Kings, Mayday Parade and some others, but I doubt I'll go.  I barely know any We The Kings and I know none of the other bands.  :)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Alright

So I talked to Deanna today after we worked out and I have to say, I feel better.  I didn't tell her how I was upset that she's back with Oscar or that she's handled herself rather carelessly lately.  What I did tell her was that I'm going through something...different, which I've never gone through before, and to not worry about me.  I think what I meant was don't judge me, but I was afraid to say that because I didn't want her to know that I judge others so easily.  Now that I say that, though, I realize that she already knows how quickly I judge; she was the one who brought it up to me recently to not be so harsh to friends and family.  I also told her that whatever I'm going through, I have to find the answer on my own -- alone.

Funny.  That last sentence was a paradox.  How can I go through something alone, but have to tell someone about it?  I'm not as solitary as I think I'm being.

The point is, after talking to her I felt better immediately.  What was it about those few minutes standing beside our cars that lifted my spirits?  Was it the fact that I finally was able to tell someone Hey, I'm going through something but I'm strong, so don't worry about me?  Or that I was able to explain my inability to limit my anger lately?  Or maybe I felt better because I saw that Deanna was doing better already, and that makes me feel better?

I'm going to go with that one.  I mean I'm sure the prior statements felt good to release, but how crazy is it that I fall into this pit of despair at the same time that Deanna hits her lowest?  And now that I find her doing much better, I want to be better?  It's a little gross!  Why do I have to base my feelings on how my closest loved ones are doing?  HOW ABNORMAL!  I need to stop that.  If I'm going to act like I'm my own person, I should really be it!


Alright Jesse, I think now is the time.  Drop your grudges, lower your defenses, let go of the past.  Yes, Sarah acts like a child at times, but let her be that child and learn on her own!  Yeah Joseph totally screwed you over with money, but you knew it was happening all along!  Sadly, Michael may not be able to be strictly friends with you, but at least you're thought of so highly that someone can't withhold kissing you!  Work is an unfortunate stress, but you're able to pay your bills every month!  BE HAPPY!


It's not a light switch, but it's certainly not dependent on a miracle either.  Work on it, Jes.  Happy comes from hard work, not self-loathing.  Be happy for yours and others' achievements -- don't hate, don't be jealous.  Work at it.


Time for some Lost.

Feel Like Ass

Man I can't even type right now.  I woke up this morning feeling just as crappy as I have the past week, but I got worse during the day.  I took one of Pete's Advils but it hasn't hit me yet.  I'm contemplating whether I should go work out or not, or even if I should go to the concert tomorrow night.  I am really excited about the concert but I'm not going to have a good time if I'm still sick.  I want to see those girls that Sarah and I befriended last time but I don't want to waste the gas if 1) I'm sick and unable to have fun, or 2) the girls don't even go.

But anyway, I was writing a new post on Sunday night but Sarah dropped by unexpectedly and took up the rest of my evening.  I noticed she posted a status update on Facebook the next day or that night or whenever saying "Why does distance make us wise?"  She recently watched RENT with Lauryn so she could just be quoting the movie, or she could actually be trying to say that everything's ok after not seeing me for a while.  I don't know, I could be over-thinking it like Liza, but I don't want Sarah thinking time heals my wounds.  Only a good talk, understanding and closure will heal my wounds.

So what I haven't posted yet is what happened Saturday night.  I went to Michael's birthday party and was mildly entertained, but was really more concerned with whether or not he was going to try to put the moves on me.  He did.  He walked me out and talked to me in front of my car for about 5-10 minutes and then eventually kissed me.  I had no idea how drunk I already was because I probably warranted the kiss.  And then I kissed him back.  Why did I do that?  Must be more lonely than I thought.  Anyway, before he kissed me I gave him a hug because he was saying such nice things to me and I wanted to let him know that I cared about him and appreciated his friendship, but I guess the hug was easily misinterpreted.  My mistake.

Anyway I'm unsure about the future of our friendship now because I don't know if he'll be able to carry on an honest, non-romantic friendship with me.  If he can't then, well, I've lost another chance at a gay male friendship. :(

About the party, Michael's cousin Raul was really awesome.  I want to get to know him and his girlfriend more.  He seemed very much like one of those straight guys that likes everybody, including (especially?) gays.  I hope we hang out again soon.  As for the other gay guys that night, it was a little peculiar that they were all sitting on one side and I was sitting on the other -- alone.  I don't mean to say anything in that, other than that's scary how the seating arrangement strangely foreshadowed my feelings about them.  Don't get me wrong, they were nice to me and I tried to keep a good conversation going with them, but yet again I felt like I had nothing in common with them and would probably not being able to carry on a friendship with any of them.  But then again that's horrible of me to assume since I only spent a maximum of 1 drunk, partied-out hour with them.  We'll see.  I have no idea if they liked me or not...

Unfortunately, my lunch hour is over so I have to get back to work.  I'm definitely surprised I'm keeping up with this blog and, in fact, throughout the day I've found myself mentally forming paragraphs for future blog posts.  I have so much more to say and plan on putting it down as soon as possible.  Go me.   :)

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I Don't Like The Redhead

She's super fake.

Don't Know

I'm drunk and high at a party right now. I am glad to be away from Michael but I am now feeling so over partying that I want to go home right now.

I am feeling...I don't know. I'm listening to some girls argue and they're high and they're fun. As long as I can control the situation I'm good.

Ew I just remembered that Michael kissed me. How dare him. I kissed him back. Why did I do that???

:o|

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Better

I'm glad I got some time to blog before Michael's birthday party tonight.  I totally slacked on pretty much everything for the party but I somehow got nearly everything knocked out in time.  I really regret not finding those fingerless skeleton gloves but oh well at least the glow-in-the-dark hoodie + skeleton fee = good enough.

But yeah I was out and about today and couldn't find out what mood I was in.  I know I should be listening to more Motion City Soundtrack, This Providence and Set Your Goals (couldn't really get into The Swellers) in preparation for next week's concert, but I wasn't sure if I was in a rock-y sort of mood or not.  So my fingers eventually meandered themselves over to Matt Nathanson's Some Mad Hope album.  I realize something is going on with me because depression has been pulling super hard at me lately and I've been giving in, but I knew I couldn't get completely lost in it today since I had a party to go to.  Well, Some Mad Hope did a good job of giving me my solidarity but still providing enough momentum to make me smile on the inside today.  The reason why I say there's something going on with me is because I used to listen to this album and feel wrapped in love, imagining how life would be once I met the man I'm supposed to end up with.  My mind wanted to recount that today while being lulled by the album, but the depression wanted to keep reminding me to just be sad -- you're not through it yet.  That's true, I may not be through it, but I can tell my mind wants to be happy.

So what am I sad about right now?  This is one of those moments where I'm glad nobody knows what I'm about to say...

My apartment is a mess.  I know, I know, totally stupid reason to be sad.  But hey, when you're held by depression's grip like I've been lately, anything becomes a good reason to be sad.

Kinda sad and jealous that I'm losing my closeness with Sarah.  I absolutely hate the fact that Sarah can't take confrontation.  She makes up a large portion of what ails me, and the fact that I can't just go to her and let this all out makes me feel cancerous inside.  It's been since last summer since she gave me the silent treatment for a week and eventually apologized, but I never got to say my piece about it, so it's all still bottled up for me.  Plus, I don't like the person she's becoming.  She idolizes women who speak their mind -- great, I'm totally all for strong females -- but I don't think she realizes that we, as humans, have to filter our mouths for society's sake.  Funny thing is, she's nothing like the women she looks up to.  She doesn't know how to talk to me or to others and she runs away at the first sight of trouble.  She is becoming really close to her friend and colleague, Lauryn, and that's perfectly fine, but what kind of person is Lauryn?  Is she a good influence on Sarah or does she enable her?  I have no idea.  The one time I met her, she seemed great.  Also, Sarah is absolutely horrible when it comes to money.  She finally payed me back for my concert ticket that she sold last year, but I had to ask her to do that.  She never offered to help with the drive to Austin when we went to see Cartel, and I purposely waited to gas up until she was in the car, signaling Hey, you can offer your half of the gas any minute now.  But yeah she totally ignored it.  Perhaps my fault for not mentioning it, but in the end I don't think I should have to tell another adult when they need to pull their own weight, so to speak.  I'm not even gonna go into how she still owes Deanna beer money.

But about the jealousy thing, I'm kinda jealous to see Sarah and Lauryn so buddied up on Facebook, but then I have to tell myself that I'm purposely distancing myself from a potentially negative force, no matter how fun that force may be (and man Sarah sure is a hoot when we do get together).

I'm utterly very frustrated at Deanna's hopelessness.  Deanna talks to me about her problems (well she used to until recently), I give her advice, she listens, she tries to implement said advice in future situations.  That's great.  Wonderful.  That's how she used to act and I really, really appreciated it.  Now, she's seeing Oscar again and is just showing her absolute vulnerability to the world right now, practically begging everyone to kick her while she's down.  And then she calls into work when she's all sad about her and Oscar.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  Has she no concern for how this looks on her as a professional?  Dude, we ALL experience horrible, undeserved events in our lives, but seriously pick yourself up, do your job and cry when you get home.

Ugh I hate how I feel like I should be saying this to myself.  Guess that's the point of this, right?

As far as Naomi, Deanna has finally admitted to me that she never wanted a kid and still, do this day, resents being tied down by a child.  That sucks, and I'm sad for both Deanna and Naomi when I hear that.  But hey, Deanna knew what she was doing when she got pregnant.  Yes, she was on birth control pills when she actually got pregnant, but the best birth control is abstinence.  (Easy for me to say, right?  I can't have any kids with or without condoms.)  But that leads me to my next point: I want Naomi.  I know Deanna will never give her up since the guilt alone would probably cause her to commit suicide, but it sure is in Naomi's best interest.  I spent a night making Naomi dinner, doing her homework and putting her to bed.  I freakin' loved every second of it (yeah I was high while doing it so it probably helped my enjoyment but hey I wasn't expecting Deanna to leave me with the baby all night).  But yeah, I want a kid.  Never thought I'd say that, but it's true.  Maybe not right now, but I love Naomi to pieces and even though she's a little shit, I'd love acting as her parent.  But yes I hear you, that was just one night.  True, it was just one nice evening of Naominess, but that's probably why I said "Maybe not right now."

Joseph.  Ugh.  I really, really dislike him.  I never loved him and in fact I got very near hating him toward the end of our relationship, but that shouldn't take away 1) what I learned from being with him, and 2) the true intentions he has as a person.  He owes me a lot of money.  If I added the true amount it'd be pretty close to $1600, but I'm only asking for the recent overages he caused on the phone bill, which came out to right around $400.  He hasn't payed me back and I don't know if he ever will (he promised at the beginning of January he would), but that really bothers me in many ways.  First, I really am down that amount of money.  It's not like Oh well too bad he didn't pay me, I'll just continue on this little shopping spree now...  I really planned on using that money and now it's gone.  Second, I don't know how he lives with himself knowing how bad of a predicament he placed me in.  Yes, I know, I allowed it to happen, but now I've learned my lesson.  Needless to say, I removed him from Facebook and MySpace.  Ooooh you really showed him!  I know, totally heartless, right?  I'm not someone who normally severs ties with anyone, so I consider that a big deal.  I didn't remove him from my actual phone book since I may need his number later and I don't want to have to bother anyone else to get it.

My anger and judgmental side.  This really bothers me.  I have been extremely angry and judgmental lately and I don't know why.  Well ok it probably has to do with the above, work stress, the fact that I quit smoking and eating unhealthily, but I mean man I am REALLY not taking things well lately.  I broke my little blue and pink ball that I got from Dave & Buster's so long ago.  Everybody loved that thing.  Now it's in pieces.   :(   (I threw it against the floor since I was pissed at my phone and I was really not expecting it to shatter the way it did.  Especially on carpet!)  But see what I mean?  Who is that guy?!  I'm never a physically violent person!  Well ok I also broke my phone holder last summer but come on that was like so long ago.

Alright I'm getting tired of complaining.  I'll probably put the rest of my current woes later if I'm still feeling dpressed.  What I really want to say the most is, I need time to myself on a beach.  Soon.  Never thought I'd say this, but summer, where are you?  I reeeeaaallly wished I could've spent some time at Restitution today. I got one 10-minute introduction to that spot a week ago but my phone died quickly so I had to go back home.  I'm glad I finally have a place here in San Antonio where I can go and think and get an interesting view at the same time.  I'm worried about thugs showing up, especially if I decide to smoke before-hand (paranoia, anyone?), but as long as I don't show them any attention I should be fine.

So tonight, like I said in the beginning of this loooooong post, is Michael's birthday party.  I enjoy his friendship but I might have to cut it off soon (already!) if he doesn't learn how to just be friends with me.  Don't get me wrong, I think he's kinda cute and I'd probably enjoy sleeping with him, but it's much more important to try and keep a good gay male friendship since I have none.  I just get along with him so well!  But anyway yeah I might cut out early to go to Chris' party but we'll see.  If I get drunk enough I probably won't feel like leaving.

Man I feel like there's so much more to say and I'm really glad I'm getting to say it all now.  OH this morning or actually I think it was yesterday I had a faint realization that I might not keep up with this blog (whoda thunk?!).  I'm starting to feel better and I'm thinking I might not keep up with it when I'm in a good mood, but we'll see.   :)

Friday, February 5, 2010

New Thoughts

So I totally planned on coming home and writing this sobby blog about how broken I am (seriously I was going to title it I Am A Broken Man) but I'm feeling better now.  It just may be the endorphins from the workout (best workout this week -- FINALLY!) but I really don't feel like being sad right now.  I saw Deanna and she looks great.  She seems to be doing better as well since she got to see Dr. Lundy on Tuesday.

Deanna continuously fills me with inspiration, but what I find absolutely peculiar about that is 1) she has no idea when she's doing it, and 2) it's always so unexpected when it happens.  No joke.  For example, she got the Assistant Manager position at her work and totally lit a fire under me to go for the Sup position at my work.  Go Deanna.

But hey let's not forget why we're here, shan't we?  Alright so yes I'm feeling better already, but there is much I have to work through.  Aside from working the London shift this week, I've had almost no contact with my friends or family, save Michael (who I only just met last Friday).  Before I can return to what they would call my normal self, I really need to get through everything.

Figure it out, Jesse.  Build your faith, see through the world's veil, live for yourself and not for anybody else.  Yeah that last one might as well be something from a fortune cookie.  I don't know if I'll ever stop being so aware of myself and of others, but perhaps I can learn to adjust to that mindset.  In fact, that's what I'm already learning this week: For whatever reason, life is changing rapidly this year, so I must learn to adapt like most other responsible adults.

Ok, time to be responsible and do my laundry.  Wish I could go hang out at Restitution today.    :'(

Genesis

Dramatic title, eh? So what's it mean? Well we all know with a title like that, the answer deserves to be just as enigmatic. For a while now I've been toying with the idea of starting a blog. Recently, some friends of mine started their own and, after reading their colorful and oh-so-well-put-together thoughts, have provided me the final push to start my own.  What it means is this is the start of something...different.  When I think about my faults, I quickly think of something else so that I don't have to dwell on my own shortcomings.  Hopefully with the start of this blog, I will be forced to realize how I think and how utterly hateful my mind can be at times.  It also means that I think I'm finally going to get that "place" that some people get to go when they want to get away.  As long as I keep up with this and keep it mine, it'll be a great haven.

What took you so long to start this? Another great question with an even grander answer. To be honest, I actually started a personal journal back in 2004. This wasn't an online journal, but rather something I just whipped together in Word. I kept up with it for less than a month, I think, and have no idea where that document is now (probably on some Sharpie markered, scratched-up CD in a graveyard of spindles somewhere in that poor excuse for a box of memories I call my closet).  The point is, I didn't keep up with it, which is part of the reason why I never wanted to start a blog in the first place. I'd hate to pour so much time and emotion into a project that would eventually fall by the wayside, periodically making noise somewhere in the depths of my mental to-do list. (This is obviously a vast and near-archaic list with lots of not-scratched-off items.)

Uh huh.  And why else?  This one's darker: I don't like personal blogs for several reasons, but the main one being because they're public.  Don't get me wrong, this blog is free to view by anyone's eyes and I'm all for opening things up to the world (open source FTW!), but personal blogs are only a good idea until the author remembers who's reading their posts. I want to lay down everything -- everything -- that rattles around in my brain now, but I can't do that if I'm afraid of hurting anyone's feelings. I want to completely express myself, no matter how fucked up I sound or who gets mad at what I've written about.  I plan to keep this blog a secret from all my friends and family, that way I have an outlet that I can completely control and let loose on. If any of them stumble upon it, so be it; I will not lie about them or say anything unnecessary, and will therefore have nothing to apologize for.

Any other reason?  Yes...  Like I said earlier, I kept my personal blog secret because it held a lot of information about my inner self that I am terrified to let people know about. (I'll probably bring those up again here, in time.)  I didn't want to visit those feelings ever again, but I think I need to grow past them now.  Let them die.

Then why put all these similarly dark secrets somewhere completely public and, worse, searchable? That one's easy: So I can access it easily, from anywhere. We, as humans, are almost never hit by waves of emotion or creativity while actually sitting in front of a computer screen. With my trusty Android phone (or Chrome OS netbook, if that ever gets released) and a fresh set of emotions, I can publish my thoughts from almost anywhere, anytime.  Plus, I'm kinda hoping that a stranger will stumble upon this and give their objective opinion; would help me grow, in a sick way.

So what's the main reason for this blog?  I need to release! Seriously, there have been times where I just want to completely word vomit but I can't find the right outlet. I hate actually writing (pens suck) and I hate bogging my friends and family down with my constant jibber-jabber. So here we are, even though this technically isn't sharing since I don't plan on making this public knowledge to anyone I know. But at least it goes from my head to somewhere else...

Since starting this entry I've been interrupted many times (probably shouldn't be doing this at work) and have all but lost my train (trains?) of thought. So, I hope that explains my reasoning for this blog and, specifically, this first post. If I think of anything else, I'll see if I can go back and edit it.

Alright, I'm out.